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THE 

PERILS 

INCLUDING 

A TASTE  OF  THE 

DANGERS  OF  WALL  STREET, 

t 

BY  A LATE  MERCHANT. 

“ A fellow  who  hath  had  losses.” — Shahspearf,, 


PUBLISHED  BY  BETTS  & ANSTICE,  AND  PETER  HILL, 


1834. 


Entered  according  to  Act  of  Congress,  in  the  year  1834,  in  the 
Office  of  the  Clerk  of  the  District  Court  of  the  United  States  for  the 
Southern  District  of  New-York. 


BLISS  & WATSON,  Printers,  135  Water-st.  • 


PERILS  OF  PEARL  STREET. 


» 


THE  PERILS  OF  PEARL  STREET. 


CHAPTER  I. 

Containing  a slight  survey  of  the  ground . 

Of  all  the  various  professions,  occupations,  or  eixo 
ployments  of  life,  none  perhaps  afford  greater  vicissi- 
tudes than  that  of  the  merchant.  None  exhibit  greater 
changes  of  fortune;  none  lead  through  more  trials 
and  difficulties ; none  expose  their  votaries  to  severer 
hazards  of  shipwreck,  both  in  money  and  reputation. 
To-day  they  are  floating  with  gentle  gales  on  the  tide 
of  prosperity;  to-morrow  they  are  driven  by  fierce 
winds  on  the  rocks  of  adversity.  To-day  all  is  sun- 
shine and  hope ; to-morrow  all  is  clouds  and  despon- 
dency. 

The  wheel  of  fortune  is  constantly  moving ; some  are 

making,  and  some  are  breaking.  The  merchant  knows 

little  to-day  of  what  he  shall  be  on  the  morrow;  and  his 

drafts  on  futurity,  in  spite  of  present  appearances,  are 

very  likely  to  be  dishonored.  Whatever  indebtedness 
2 


THE  PERILS  OF  PEARL  STREET. 


\ 

\ 


G 

the  present  may  acknowledge,  the  future  will  coldly  say, 
I owe  him  nothing. 

It  would  astonish  those  who  are  not  in  the  secrets  of 
trade,  to  know  what  troubles,  what  embarrassments  those 
suffer  who  are  fairly  in  for  it.  Those,  who  are  out  of 
the  melee,  look  upon  those  who  are  in,  and  envy  their 
condition.  They  see  them  busy  running  to  and  fro  : 
buying  and  selling  goods  and  merchandize ; handling 
notes  and  bills  of  exchange ; and  counting  and  fingering 
cash. 

They  fancy  that  all  is  fair  within,  as  it  seems  without. 
They  have  no  conception  of  the  daily  miseries  of  trade. 
They  have  no  idea  of  the  vexatious  shifts  the  merchant 
is  driven  to.  Thejr  have  never  been  used  to  the  exercise 
of  shinning ; they  have  never  been  compelled  to  fly  the 
kite ; they  have  never  been  forced  to  beat  the  drum  ; 
they  have  never  had  occasion  for  the  services  of  Peter 
Funk. 

Ah ! sigh  these  lookers  on,  as  they  behold  the  mer- 
chant up  to  the  eyes  in  business,  hoAv  rich  this  man 
must  be  growing ! He  sells  a world  of  goods — he  em- 
ploys a store  full  of  clerks — he  piles  the  boxes  mountain 
high  before  his  door — he  takes  a prodigious  heap  of  pa- 
per— he  has  oceans  of  business  in  the  bank — he  is  con- 
tinually handling  the  cash — he  must  certainly  be  making 
money  like  dust. 

Alas  ! what  a mistake  ! The  poor  man,  who  sighs 


THE  PERILS  OF  PEARL  STREET. 


7 


at  what  seems  to  him  the  happy  fortune  of  the  merchant, 
does  not  know  that  the  world  of  goods  are  not  all  paid 
for ; that  the  store  full  of  clerks  are  not  all  profitably  em- 
ployed ; that  the  mountain  piles  of  boxes  are  not  always 
filled  with  merchandize ; that  the  prodigious  heap  of  pa- 
per is  not  always  signed  by  responsible  men  ; that  the 
oceans  of  business  in  the  bank,  is  no  better  than  so  much 
borrowing  and  paying  ; and  that  a man  may  be  continu- 
ally handling  the  cash,  without  a sixpence  ever  sticking 
to  his  fingers. 

Of  those  who  engage  in  mercantile  pursuits,  it  is  esti- 
mated, that  not  more  than  three  in  every  hundred  retire 
with  absolute  wealth ; while  nine  out  of  every  ten  be- 
come bankrupt.  Some  of  these  fail  once,  some  twice, 
some  thrice,  and  even  more.  Like  adventurers  in  love, 
or  in  a lottery,  one  failure  does  not  discourage  them. 
They  try  again,  and  again — hoping  that,  though  fortune 
may  frown  upon  them  unkindly  to-day,  she  will  smile 
propitiously  to-morrow. 

The  causes  of  the  numerous  failures  in  mercantile 
pursuits,  may  be  chiefly  classed  under  three  heads; 
first,  unavoidable  losses ; second,  imprudent  manage- 
ment ; third,  extravagant  expenditures.  Of  these  causes 
the  second  class  is  perhaps  the  most  common;  though 
the  third  is  by  far  too  frequent  and  too  fatal.  The 
young  merchant  is  no  sooner  started  in  business,  than 
he  fancies  himself  making  money ; and,  relying  on  this 


8 


THE  PERILS  OF  PEARL  STREET 


fancy,  he  is  apt  to  launch  into  a sea  of  extravagance, 
which  would  swallow  up  a much  larger  income  than 
his ; and  the  inevitable  consequence  is,  that  he  is  soon 
involved  in  ruin. 

Having  myself  for  several  years  been  engaged  in 
mercantile  pursuits;  having  passed  through  various 
changes  of  fortune  during  those  years ; having  felt 
much  and  seen  more  of  the  miseries  and  vexations  of 
trade ; having  witnessed  many  rare  and  curious  scenes, 
connected  in  one  way  or  other  with  my  own  pursuits ; 
having  come  in  contact  with  some  very  remarkable 
characters  in  the  way  of  business ; in  a word,  being 
pretty  well  experienced  in  the  vicissitudes  of  trade,  and 
pretty  well  versed  in  the  affairs  of  Pearl  street  for  the 
last  ten,  or  a dozen  years — and  having,  also,  some 
knowledge  of  matters  and  things  in  Wall  street;  I pro- 
pose, in  the  following  pages,  to  give  a sketch  of  my  own 
personal  history  during  those  years ; together  with  such 
other  notices  of  men  and  things — such  anecdotes,  and 
such  reflections,  as  are  naturally  connected  with,  01 
suggested  by,  my  own  history. 


THE  PERILS  OF  PEARL  STREET, 


9 


CHAPTER  It 

Which  gallops  rapidly  over  a period  of  twenty-one  years. 

I was  born  in  the  smart  bustling  little  village  of 
Spreadaway,  in  the  interior  of  the  state  of  New-York. 
My  father  was  a carpenter  by  trade,  and  nearly  every 
building  in  the  town  had  been  reared  by  his  hands.  My 
mother  was  a milliner  ; and  if  the  person  of  any  village 
belie  was  set  off  to  advantage,  or  produced  a killing  effect 
on  the  beaux,  it  was  in  a great  measure  owing  to  her 
skill  in  moulding  and  fashioning  them  to  the  best 
advantage.  Thus  while  my  father  beheld,  with  lauda- 
ble pride,  the  edifices  springing  up  at  the  touch  of  his 
hand ; my  mother  was  no  less  gratified  in  knowing  that 
the  beauties,  who  adorned  those  edifices,  were  formed 
and  fashioned  by  her  skill. 

From  this  account  of  my  parents  it  will  be  seen,  that 
they  were  persons  of  no  little  importance  in  the  village 
of  Spreadaway.  There  were  a few  persons  indeed,  who 
held  themselves  to  be  somewhat  above  them.  Such,  for 
instance,  were  the  families  of  the  two  parsons,  the  three 
lawyers,  the  four  doctors,  and  half  a dozen  merchants, 
2* 


IQ  THE  PERILS  OF  PEARL  STREET 

But  neither  my  father  nor  my  mother  were  willing  to 
acknowledge  this  superiority.  They  considered  their 
claims  to  gentility  to  be  quite  equal  to  those  of  any  of 
their  neighbors  ; and  in  fact  these  claims  were  so  far  al- 
lowed, that  my  parents  never  failed  to  he  invited  by  the 
first  families  to  all  their  wedding  parties,  and  to  such 
other  gatherings  as  threw  the  doors  pretty  wide  open  to 
all  sorts  of  honest  and  decent  kind  of  people. 

With  this  distinction  my  parents  were  fain  to  he  con- 
tent. But  for  my  part,  though  I ever  considered  the  me- 
chanic arts,  as  conferring  equal  dignity  to  any  profession 
whatever,  I could  not  help  seeing  that  those  who  followed 
them  could  never  obtain  a cordial  admission  into  what 
was  accounted  good  society  ; and  I resolved  not  to  he  a 
mechanic.  Farming  seemed  to  me  objectionable  on  the 
same' ground.  Besides,  in  both  these  employments  there 
was  quite  too  much  hard  labor  to  suit  my  taste;  for,  I 
know  not  how  it  was,  but  I had  become  early  convinced 
that  hard  work  was  not  easy. 

I cdrripared  these  laborious  occupations  with  the  pur- 
suit of  the  merchant.  I took  notice  of  the  difference  be- 
tween'pushing  the  fore-plane  or  holding  the  plough,  and 
merely  standing  behind  the  counter  to  measure  tape, 
weigh  tea,  and  wait  upon  the  ladies.  I saw  that  the 
clerks  and  shop-boys  had  comparatively  an  easy  time  of 
it  ; and  I fairty  envied  the  dignity  with  which  they 
moved  about  with  a goose-quill  behind  their  ear.  Then 


THE  PERILS  OF  PEARL  STREET. 


11 


they  were  in  the  highway  to  good  society  ; which  the 
poor  mechanic  or  honest  plough-jogger,  let  him  work  as 
hard  as  he  might,  could  never  fully  attain. 

Considering  all  these  things,  I resolved  to  be  a mer- 
chant; and,  at  the  age  of  fifteen,  I obtained  leave  of 
my  father  to  stand  behind  the  counter  of  Squire  Daw- 
son, the  greatest  shop-keeper  in  all  the  village  of  Spread- 
away. 

“ Billy  will  make  a marchant,”  said  my  father— “ he 
has  the  right  cut-out  for  it.  He’ll  go  to  work  by  the 
square  rule.  Nay,  for  that  matter,  he  can  work  by  the 
rule  of  three — and  thereby  he’ll  thribble  his  money.  He’s 
very  neat  at  figures  as  the  school-master  informs  me.” 

“ And  then  he’s  nice  at  a bargain,”  said  my  mother — 
“ I’ve  seen  him  trade  with  the  neighbor’s  boys,  and  I do 
assure  you  he’s  very  sharp.  It  was  no  longer  ago  than 
last  week,  he  swapped  offa  pair  of  skates  for  a jack-knife, 
and  got  a shilling  to  boot.  Oh,  he’ll  take  care  of  him- 
self, Billy  will- — no  fear  of  him.” 

Such  were  the  fond  observations  of  my  parents ; and 
in  truth,  so  far  as  the  arithmetic  was  concerned,  I was 
no  bad  proficient.  I had  gone  through  Erastus  Root, 
and  Jonathan  Grout,  and  Nathan  Daboll,  from  begin- 
ning to  end.  I was  particularly  conversant  with  deci- 
mal fractions,  the  rule  of  three,  single  and  double  fellow- 
ship, loss  and  gain;  and  indeed  with  all  those  rules 
which  are  necessary  to  men  of  business.  Then  I was 


12  THE  PERILS  OF  PEARL  STREET. 

not  ignorant  of  other  useful  branches  of  learning.  I 
could  spell  accurately,  read  tolerably,  and  write  a fair 
hand.  And,  what  was  more,  I could  write  passable 
grammar — which  many  a merchant,  I am  sorry  to  say, 
cannot.  Such  was  my  school  learning ; but  as  to  my 
acuteness  in  the  way  of  trade,  I am  at  present  sadly  sus- 
picious my  kind  mother  overrated  my  abilities.  She 
certainly  did  so,  if  my  talents  in  that  way  are  to  be 
measured  by  my  subsequent  success  in  pursuit  of  for- 
tune. 

I continued  with  Squire  DaAVSon  till  I was  twenty- 
one.  I had  been  six  years  engaged  in  selling  goods  of 
all  sorts,  and  in  keeping  books— which  I had  learned  to 
do  in  a very  fair,  neat,  accurate,  and  workmanlike  man- 
ner. I had  served  out  my  time,  and  I considered  myself 
perfectly  competent  to  take  charge  of  a mercantile  con- 
cern, either  as  clerk  or  principal.  But  I deemed  a 
country  village,  though  smart  and  bustling  as  that  of 
Spreadaway,  no  place  for  me.  I resolved  on  coming  to 
New- York. 

To  be  sure  I had  no  capital,  and  no  ready  means  of 
obtaining  any.  But  I said  to  myself,  I’ll  clerk  it  awhile. 
My  capacity  for  business  and  my  integrity  of  character 
will  no  doubt  secure  me  good  wages.  I’ll  lay  up  my 
money,  and  shortly  accumulate  a capital,  sufficient  to 
commence  business  upon. 

My  parents  were  loath  to  have  me  so  far  from  them ; 


THE  PERILS  OF  PEARL  STREET 


13 


but  they  approved  my  spirit  of  enterprise,  furnished  me 
with  fifty  dollars  of  money,  and  declared  they  had  no 
doubt  but  I should  be  a rich  merchant,  in  time.  I pro- 
cured recommendations,  both  of  character  and  capacity, 
from  Squire  Dawson,  as  likewise  from  the  minister  of  our 
church,  the  doctor  of  our  family,  and  the  lawyer,  with 
whom  we  had  most  intercourse.  Thus  provided,  I badq 
good-bye  to  my  friends ; kissed  Mary  Dawson,  with  a 
bumping  heart ; and  set  out  to  seek  my  fortune  in  the 
city  of  New-York, 


14 


THE  PERILS  OF  PEARL  STREET. 


CHAPTER  III. 

Wherein  are  set  forth  the  miseries  of  a country  youth , seeking 
employment  in  a strange  city. 

As  I approaehed  the  city  in  the  steamboat,  and  sur- 
veyed the  tall  spires  and  crowded  chimneys  of  the  Com- 
mercial Emporium,  my  heart  beat  high,  and  the  most 
lively  hopes  danced  merrily  in  my  imagination.  I 
beheld  myself,  in  prospect,  a rich  man,  with  a fine  house, 
a store  full  of  merchandize,  money  in  the  bank,  servants 
in  livery,  a coach  and  four,  together  with  all  the 

“ Pride,  pomp,  and  circumstance  of  glorious  wealth 

But,  alas ! it  is  much  easier  to  lay  plans  for  the  ad- 
vancement of  fortune,  than  to  bring  them  to  a successful 
issue.  I soon  found  myself  in  the  city  of  New- Y ork ; 
but  I was  alone  in  the  midst  of  a hundred  and  fifty  thou- 
sand people — that  is  to  say,  I knew  nobody,  and  nobody 
seemed  to  care  in  the  least  about  knowing  me.  To  get 
employment,  where  so  many  are  seeking  it,  is  no  easy 
matter;  and  to  contend  successfully  against  candidates, 
perhaps  as  well  qualified  as  myself,  and  certainly  pos- 


THE  PERILS  OF  PEARL  STREET. 


15 


sessing  some  advantages  over  me  in  the  flexibility  of 
their  manners,  or  the  possession  of  city  acquaintance, 
I soon  found  was  not  a thing  of  very  rational  expecta- 
tion. 

I nevertheless  began  to  exert  myself  most  vigorously 
in  search  of  a place.  My  design  was,  if  possible,  to  get 
into  a wholesale  store — both  because  I expected  larger 
wages,  and  because  I considered  it  a more  dignified 
birth  than  a place  in  a mere  retail  establishment.  Full 
of  these  ideas,  I made  directly  for  Pearl  street,  and  in- 
quired, at  the  first  store  I came  to,  if  they  were  in  want 
of  a clerk  ? 

“No,”  said  a long-faced  man,  standing  at  the  door-r- 
“ I have  more  clerks  now  than  business.  I hav’nt  sold  a 
single  piede  of  goods  to-day;  and  unless  business  im 
proves  between  this  and  to-morrow,  I shall  dismiss  two 
of  the  clerks  I now  have.” 

Little  chance  for  me  here ! thought  I,  and  so  I moved 
on  to  the  next  store. 

“ Do  you  want  a clerk  here?”  bowing  to  a fat  man  at 
the  desk. 

“No;  I have  three  as  good  fellows  as  ever  drummed 
a customer,  footed  a bill,  or  made  a dear  piece  of  goods 
appear  a cheap  one.  And  three  clerks  are  as  many  as  I 
can  afford  to  keep  at  present.” 

I marched  on-— “ Do  you  want  a clerk?” 

“ No.” 


16 


THE  PERILS  OF  PEARL  STREET. 


I marched  again — “ Do  you  want  a clerk  here?” 

“ No,  sir — but  they  want  one  at  the  next  door.” 

My  hopes  now  began  to  brighten.  I proceeded  to  the 
next  door,  and  seeing  a little  old  crabbed-looking  gentle- 
man, whom  I took  to  be  the  principal  man  of  the  con- 
cern, I told  him  I understood  he  was  in  want  of  a clerk. 

“ A dark  ! ” said  he,  “ who  told  you  that  lie?” 

“ I don’t  know  whether  it’s  a lie,  or  not,”  said  I,  “but 
I got  the  information  at  the  next  door.” 

“ Well,  sir,  you  go  back  and  tell  the  fools  at  the  next 
door  to  mind  their  own  business,  and  not  meddle  with 
mine.” 

I saw  that  I had  been  imposed  upon,  but  I did  not 
intend  to  take  any  notice  of  it  to  the  witless  wags,  who 
had  thus  taken  the  liberty  of  sporting  with  a stranger : 
but,  on  coming  out  of  the  store,  I saw  the  fellow  who  had 
given  me  the  false  information,  had  been  peeping  in  at 
the  old  gentleman’s  door  to  see  the  result.  This  raised 
my  dander , as  they  used  to  say  in  the  country;  and  as 
the  rascal  turned  to  retreat  with  a horse-laugh,  I kicked 
him  into  the  gutter,  and  a general  shout  was  now  Taised 
at  his  expense. 

“Well  done!  young  man,”  said  the  little  crabbed- 
looking  old  gentleman — “ if  I had’nt  more  darks  than  I 
can  afford  already,  I’d  employ  you  for  that  very  thing. 
I’m  glad  you  kicked  the  rascal.” 

For  my  own  part,  without  deigning  to  trouble  myself 


THE  PERILS  OF  PEARL  STREET.  17 

farther  with  the  man  in  the  gutter,  I walked  on  in  search 
of  a place.  But  I walked  in  vain.  It  was  all,  “ No” — 

" No”-— to  my  anxious  inquiries.  But  resolving  not  to 
be  discouraged,  I continued  on,  through  all  the  crooks 
and  turns  of  Pearl  street ; and  began  to  think  my  fortune 
as  crooked  as  the  street  itself. 

From  this  street  I passed  into  others.  I tried  Broad- 
way, Maiden  Lane,  Water,  Front  and  South  streets.  I 
wished,  as  I said  before,  to  get  into  a wholesale  employ- 
ment. I preferred  one  in  the  dry  goods  line.  But  I 
was  equally  well  prepared  for  hardware  or  groceries ; 
and  was  ready  to  turn  my  hand  to  any  thing  that  was 
honest,  in  the  way  of  selling  goods,  figuring  accounts,  or 
fingering  cash.  Nor  was  I so  particular  about  whole- 
sale business,  but  that  I would  upon  a pinch  accept  of  a 
place  in  a retail  establishment. 

But  my  tramping  up  and  down  the  city,  was  of  little 
use,  except  to  blister  my  feet,  and  wear  out  my  shoes. 
A countryman,  like  a Jersey  horse,  soon  gets  weary  and 
lame  with  walking  on  the  pavements ; and  the  condition 
of  my  feet  and  ancles  reminded  me  of  a poor  limping 
steed,  who  is  so  foot-sore,  that  he  can  scarcely  get  over 
the  ground.  I was  also  reminded  of  the  anecdote  of  a 
Dutchman  in  this  city,  who,  being  a little  the  worse  for 
liquor,  struck  his  foot  against  the  curb-stone,  and  fell 
upon  the  side-walk.  As  he  gathered  himself  up,  he 


3 


18  THE  PERILS  OF  FEARL  STREET. 

exclaimed — “ Mein  Gott ! dish  tam  shtony  wilternish 
is  enuff  to  preak  a man’s  pones.” 

From  inquiring  at  the  stores  themselves,  I next  ap- 
plied at  the  intelligence  offices.  I paid  my  money,  and 
like  all  others — as  I have  since  learned — I found  myself 
hoaxed.  Perhaps  never  were  greater  cheats  than  these 
establishments.  Strangers,  from  the  country,  are  con- 
stantly imposed  upon ; and  strangers  only,  for  citizens 
are  too  well  acquainted  with  these  misnamed  intelli- 
gence offices,  to  allow  themselves  to  be  deceived. 

In  addition  to  my  other  exertions  for  a place,  I daily 
consulted  the  newspapers.  But  as  often  as  I found  a 
situation  advertised,  I found  myself  too  late  in  applying : 
that  the  place  was  already  engaged : or  that  there  were 
one  or  two  hundred  applicants  for  the  vacancy. 

Not  succeeding  in  gettinga  place  by  the  advertisements 
of  others,  I next  advertised  myself — directing  inquirers 
to  call  on  the  printer ; or  saying,  that  a line  addressed 
to  X.  Y,  Z .,  and  left  in  the  post-office,  would  receive 
immediate  attention.  But  these  proved  unavailing — 
not  being  noticed  at  all. 

However,  after  advertising  in  sundry  papers,  and 
changing  my  initials  to  A.  B.  C.,  and  afterwards  to 
O.  P.  Q,„  I got  an  answer,  expressed  in  the  following 
terms : 

“ Mr.  O.  P.  Cl. — Sir — 

I notis  your  Advertisment  in  to-days  paper — am  in 


THE  PERILS  OF  PEARL  STREET. 


19 


want  of  a clarke — and  if  You  will  cawl  at  4 o’clock 
Shall  be  at  lezzure  to  taulk  with  you. 

SAML.  THUMGUDGEON. 
No Pearl-street.” 

Punctual  to  the  hour  I went,  and  announced  myself 
as  the  Mr.  O.  P.  Q..,  whose  advertisement  the  gentleman 
had  been  so  good  as  to  notice. 

“ But  your  real  name,  sir,  if  I may  presume — ” 

“ Certainly,  sir — my  name  is  William  Hazard.” 
“Hazard? — Hazard? — rather  hazard- ous  name  that. 
However,  young  man,  nothing  venter,  nothing  have,  as 
the  saying  is.  But  to  proceed  to  business — I’m  in  want 
of  a dark,  and  you’re  in  want  of  a dark -skip.  Now  tell 
me  in  two  words,  do  you  understand  drumming?” 

“ No,  sir — I have  very  little  taste  for  martial  music  of 
any  kind ; and  the  drum  would  be  the  last  instrument  I 
should  think  of  playing  on.” 

“ Martial  music ! playing  the  drum ! — what  the 
d — l’s  the  fellow  dreaming  of? — I see  at  once,  sir,  you 
won’t  answer  my  purpose  ” 

“ I have  brought  the  best  of  recommendations,  which 
I will  show  you.”  As  I said  this,  I took  out  the  certi- 
ficates of  Squire  Dawson,  the  parson,  the  doctor,  and  the 
lawyer,  which  I was  about  handing  over  to  the  merchant. 
But  he  put  them  aside  with  contempt,  declaring  that 
there  was  no  use  in  examining  the  papers,  since  I 
had  confessed  with  my  own  mouth,  that  I was  ignorant 
of  the  art  of  drumming. 


20 


THE  PERILS  OF  PEARL  STREET. 


“ X beg  your  pardon,  sir,’’  said  I — “ but  what  has 
drumming  to  do  with  the  business  of  a clerkship?” 

“■Much — much,  sir.  I would  not  give  a tape’s  end: 
for  a dark,  that  does’nt  understand  all  about  drumming. 
But  there’s  no  use  in  talking  to  a man  who  do’nt  know 
the  first  rudiments,  as  a body  may  say,  of  the  mercantile 
life. — Good  bye,  Mr.  Hazard. 

“ Good  bye,  sir.” 

From  a note,  indited  and  spelt  like  the  above,  I ought 
not  to  have  conceived  any  very  flattering  hopes.  But  I 
was  in  want  of  employment,  and  therefore  not  in  a con- 
dition to  be  too  fastidious  about  the  scholarship  of  my 
employer.  ‘ Beggars  must’nt  choose,’  I thought  to  my- 
self; besides,  though  this  man  can’t  spell,  he  may  be  a 
merchant  of  some  consequence,  and  pay  his  clerks  libe- 
rally and  promptly. 

But  I had  missed  of  a place  because  I could  not  drum. 
‘Oh,  all  ye  gods  at  once!’  thought  I,  what  has  a mer- 
chant’s clerk  to  do  with  drumming?  True  I expect  to 
make  some  noise  in  the  world ; but  it  must  not  be  by 
beating  a piece  of  sheep-skin. 

I had  now  got  fairly  discouraged  with  advertising ; 
I had  been  in  the  city  for  some  weeks ; my  fifty  dollars 
were  nearly  spent ; and  I resolved,  with  a heavy  heart, 
on  returning  forthwith  to  the  village  of  Spreadway. 

My  heaviness,  however,  was  in  some  measure  light- 
ened by  remembering  Mary  Dawson.  Sweet  Mary ! I 


THE  PERILS  OF  PEARL  STREET. 


21 


had  seen  nothing  like  her  in  the  whole  Commercial 
Emporium.  But  to  fail  in  my  projects — to  return  to 
my  native  village — to  acknowledge  before  the  inquisitive 
people  of  Spreadaway,  that  the  enterprising  Mr.  Hazard, 
the  rich  merchant  that  was  going  to  be,  could’nt  compass 
even  a clerkship — it  was  too  bad — it  was  a mortification 
I could  not  well  endure.  But  there  was  no  help  for  it. 
Return  I must — or  beg — or  starve.  I packed  up  my 
clothes,  engaged  a berth  on  board  the  steamboat,  and  ■ 
but  I refer  the  reader  to  the  next  chapter. 


3* 


/ 

i>$  ^ Mnttam  du&MNt  flttMJMHt 


' ' • •:  ; 


r : • • 

. 


. 


, 


-- 


THE  PERILS  OF  PEARL  STREET. 


23 


CHAPTER  IV. 

Containing  a peep  at  a fashionable  shopping  establishment. 

i 

As  I was  on  my  way  to  the  boat,  thinking  of  nothing 
less  than  spending  another  day  in  New- York,  I chanced,, 
by  the  merest  accident  in  the  world,  to  stumble  upon  an 
old  acquaintance  of  my  father.  He  knew  me — or  rather 
suspected  me — for  he  had  never  seen  me  before— -from 
the  striking  resemblance  I bore  to  the  old  gentleman. 

“ Is  not  your  name  Hazard  ?”  said  lie. 

“ Yes,  sir.” 

“ A son  of  Jonas  Hazard,  of  Spreadaway  ?” 

“ Yes,  sir — but  the  boat  is  ringingthe  last  bell,  and  I 
shall  be  too  late.” 

“ That  may  be  too.  But  what  need  is  there  of  your 
going  to-day.” 

“ I have  been  spending  several  weeks  in  the  city, 
trying  to  get  a place.  I am  out  of  employment,  out  of 
hopes,  and  nearly  out  of  cash.” 


24 


THE  PERILS  OF  PEARL  STREET. 


“ Never  mind.  I’ll  put  you  in  a way  of  getting  all 
three.  Come,  go  home  with  me.  My  name  is  Jones — your 
father  will  recollect  David  Jones.  We  were  journey- 
men carpenters  together.  But  why  did  he  not  send  you 
to  me  in  the  first  place  ?” 

“ He  did  not  know  of  you  being  here,  I suppose.  I 
have  often  heard  him  speak  of  you ; of  his  working  on 
the  same  building,  &c. ; but  it  was  always  with  refer- 
ence to  some  other  place  than  New- York.” 

“ Ah,  there  it  is  now.  I have  been  very  forgetful 
about  writing,  and  your  father  I dare  say  is  always  at 
home  and  at  work ; and  so  was  not  aware  of  my  being 
here.  I’m  sorry  I did’nt  light  of  you  sooner.  I have 
some  acquaintance  in  the  city,  and  might  have  been  of 
some  service  to  you.  But  come,  go  to  my  house,  and 
we’ll  see  what  can  be  done  for  you.” 

I thanked  the  kind-hearted  Mr.  Jones  for  his  civility, 
and  accepted  his  offer.  I found  him  to  be  a mechanic, 
of  good  standing ; and,  as  a master  builder,  having  a 
rather  extensive  acquaintance  with  men  of  wealth  and 
influence.  I also  found  his  practice  kept  even  pace 
with  his  professions — for  he  exerted  himself  so  well  in 
my  favor,  that  in  a very  few  days,  I was  in  possession 
of  a respectable  place  in  Broadway.  It  was  not,  howe- 
ver, precisely  such  as  I could  have  wished ; and  Mr. 
Jones,  being  aware  of  my  preference,  promised  me  his 
influence  in  obtaining  a wholesale  employment,  as  soon 
as  a favorable  opportunity  should  offer. 


THE  PERILS  OF  PEARL  STREET. 


25 


Mr.  Joseph  Smoothly,  my  employer,  kept  an  extensive 
and  fashionable  dry  goods  establishment,  which  was 
much  resorted  to  by  the  ladies.  He  had  acquired  the 
reputation  of  selling  cheap,  which  is  usually  of  great 
consequence  with  females,  because  they  pride  them- 
selves  on  buying  bargains. 

But  there  was  another  thing,  which,  in  their  estima- 
tion, was  still  more  in  favor  of  Mr.  Smoothly : he  was  a 
dear,  sweet,  smiling  man.  He  was  the  mirror  of  fashion, 
and  the  pink  of  politeness.  He  was  as  neat  as  a new- 
laid  egg,  and  as  courteous  as  a prince.  His  clothes 
were  always  made  of  the  best  materials,  in  the  newest 
possible  fashion,  and  worn  with  the  most  inimitable 
grace.  The  ladies  declared  that  it  was  impossible  to 
catch  him  in  dishabille : that,  go  to  his  store  when  they 
would,  they  were  sure  to  find  him  dressed,  and  looking 
for  all  the  world  as  though  he  had  just  come  out  of  a 
bandbox.  And  then  his  manners  were  so  very  agree- 
able : he  never  spoke  without  smiling,  and  never  moved 
without  bowing.  His  head,  when  attending  to  the 
ladies,  was  continually  on  the  bob,  like  that  of  a Chinese 
mandarin. 

His  hands  were  soft  and  white,  as  though  they  had 
been  steeped  in  new  milk ; and  so  delicately  did  he 
handle  the  silks,  the  laces,  and  the  muslins,  that  he 


'26 


THE  PERILS  OF  PEARL  STREET. 


barely  touched  them  with  the  tip  of  his  thumb  and 
finger. 

In  addition  to  all  these  admirable  qualities  of  look  and 
motion,  the  ladies  declared  that  he  smelt  delightfully ; 
that  his  whole  person  seemed  to  exhale  perfumes ; and 
that,  when  they  were  in  his  shop,  they  could  not  help 
fancying  themselves  in  the  midst  of  Arabia  the  Blest. 

He  was,  besides,  the  most  accommodating  man  in 
the  world — or  in  all  Broadway — which  was  the  same 
thing.  He  did  not,  like  some  other  shopkeepers,  grudge 
the  labor  of  exhibiting  his  goods  to  the  inspection  of 
bright  eyes,  and  submitting  them  to  the  examination  of 
fair  hands,  even  though  he  was  perfectly  assured  that  he 
should  not  derive  any  advantage  from  such  exceeding 
complaisance.  He  would  take  his  goods  from  the  shelf 
with  a bow,  unfold  them  with  a smile,  and  thank  the 
ladies  for  begging  a pattern. 

With  such  talents  for  pleasing,  Mr.  Joseph  Smoothly 
was  accounted  the  very  prince  of  retailers.  His  store 
was  constantly  thronged  with  the  beauty  and  fashion  of 
the  city.  It  was  the  great  shopping  mart — or,  perhaps 
I should  say,  the  great  shopping  theatre — for  the  goods 
were  rather  exhibited  than  sold.  The  ladies  too,  while 
examining  the  merchandize,  had  a chance  of  exhi- 
biting themselves  to  the  lounging  beaux ; and  thus, 


THE  PERILS  OF  PEARL  STREET. 


27 


under  pretence  of  shopping,  might  possibly  make  a 
market  for  themselves. 

But  where  there  was  so  much  smoke,  there  must  of 
eourse  be  some  fire ; and  Mr.  Smoothly  certainly  sold 
a considerable  quantity  of  goods,  and  at  a considerable 
advance  from  the  original  cost.  But  an  extensive  busi- 
ness, with  a good  advance  profit,  does  not  always  render 
the  dealer  rich  in  the  end.  In  a large  and  fashionable 
shopping  establishment,  there,  must  be  a large  number 
of  clerks,  to  wait  promptly  on  the  ladies ; otherwise  there 
will  he  pouting,  fidgetting,  and  withdrawing  of  pa- 
tronage. 

Then  if  the  fair  customer  does  not  purchase,  she  must 
at  least  beg  a pattern.  To  do  otherwise,  would  be  treat- 
ing the  dealer  very  scurvily.  Thus  the  demand  for  sam- 
ples becomes  very  great.  It  was  so  in  the  store  of  the 
obliging  and  accomplished  Mr.  Smoothly — insomuch, 
that  I verily  believe,  one  half  his  goods  were  disposed 
of  in  gratuitous  shreds  and  patches. 

It  is  a most  provoking  thing  to  have  any  thing  to  do 
with  professed  shoppers.  They  require  more  attention, 
without  offering  an  equivalent,  than  any  other  class  of 
people  in  the  world.  If  they  are  young  and  handsome, 
to  be  sure  the  clerk  may  consider  this  as  a tolerable  off- 
set for  his  trouble;  but  the  master — Mr.  Joseph  Smooth- 
ly always  eiccepted — is  very  apt  to  think  it  a poor  return 
for  his  expenditure  of  time,  money,  and  complaisance. 


28 


THE  PERILS  OF  PEARL  STREET. 


But  unluckily  it  happens,  that  many  a fashionable  shop- 
per is  as  ugly  as  sin ; and  yet  she  will  take  upon  herself 
the  same  airs,  demand  the  same  attention,  and-  give  the 
poor  clerk  the  same  trouble,  as  if  she  were  a perfect 
beauty. 

I could  recollect  many  an  amusing,  and  at  the  same 
time,  provoking  exhibition  of  the  shopping  mania,  during 
my  short  stay  in  the  employ  of  Mr.  Smoothly.  There 
was,  however,  a remarkable  similarity  in  these  exhibi- 
tions; and  something  like  the  following  might  be  wit- 
nessed almost  every  day. 

Enter  Mrs.  Callagain,  with  a reticule  in  one  hand  and 
a parasol  in  the  other. 

Mrs.  Call.  Good  morning,  Mr  Smoothly — I’ll  trou- 
ble you  to  show  me  that  bit  of  silk  I was  looking  at 
yesterday. 

Smoothly.  No  trouble  in  the  world,  madam.  I shall 
be  delighted  to  show  it  you,  because  I’m  sure  you’ll  be 
delighted  with  it.  It’s  really  a superb  piece  of  goods. 

Mrs.  Call.  It  is  certainly  very  fine,  Mr.  Smoothly — 
I can  see  it  to  advantage  by  this  light — but  yesterday 
was  so  cloudy — I’m  glad  I called  again  to-day. 

Smoothly.  I’m  very  glad  you  did,  Mrs.  Callagain. 
Indeed  1 should  have  been  very  much  disappointed  if 
you  had  not  called. 

Mrs.  Call.  Indeed  I think  you  would  have  had  rea- 
son to.  It  is’nt  many  days  in  the  year  that  I miss  call- 


THE  PERILS  OF  PEARL  STREET. 


29 


mg  upon  you,  Mr.  Smoothly.  I’m  not  so  neglectful  as 
that.  But  really  there  are  some  days  when  the  weather 
is  too  bad  for  a lady  to  be  out : and  Mr.  Callagain  is  so 
very  economical,  he  thinks  he  can’t  afford  to  keep  a car- 
riage. However,  I don’t  think  you  have  many  custo- 
mers, more  constant  than  myself,  Mr.  Smoothly. 

Smoothly.  You  may  say  that  with  perfect  truth,  Mrs. 
Callagain.  Shall  I cut  you  off  a dress  from  this  piece 
of  silk ! 

Mrs.  Call.  Not  to  day,  Mr.  Smoothly,  I’ll  look  at 
some  of  your  lace,  if  you  please. 

Smoothly.  Certainly,  Madam. 

Mrs.  Call.  I’m  sorry  to  give  you  so  much  trouble, 
Mr.  Smoothly — but — 

Smoothly.  It’s  no  trouble  in  the  world,  madam.  It 
gives  me  infinite  pleasure  to  wait  upon  you. 

Mrs.  Call.  You  are  a dear  good,  accommodating 
soul,  as  ever  breathed.  I do  so  like  to  trade  with  a man 
of  your  politeness — 

Smoothly.  Thank  you,  ma’am — I’m  much  obliged 
to  you.  How  much  of  this  lace  will  you  have  ? 

Mrs.  Call.  Not  any  to  day,  I thank  you. 

Smoothly.  It’s  a superb  article — don’t  you  think 
it  is  ? 

Mrs.  Call.  It  is  beautiful  indeed — but — 

Smoothly.  You  shall  have  it  very  cheap.  I would’nt 

sell  it  to  every  body  so- — but  you’re  so  good  a customer — 
4 


30 


THE  PERILS  OF  PEARL  STREET. 


Mrs.  Call.  I am  a.  great  customer  to  you,  Mr. 
Smoothly,  that’s  true.  But  as  for  the  price — I hope  you 
don’t  think  that’s  any  object  to  me? 

Smoothly.  None  in  the  world,  Mrs.  Callagain — and 
yet — 

Mrs.  Call.  Shall  I trouble  you  to  show  me  that  bit 
of  muslin  once  more — 

Smoothly.  No  trouble  at  all  ma’am. 

Mrs.  Call.  I mean  the  piece  I looked  at  yesterday, 
and  the  day  before,  and  the  day  before  that,  and  so  on. 

Smoothly.  I regret  to  say  that  piece  is  all  gone,  Mrs. 
Callagain.  We  gave  away  the  last  of  it  in  patterns  this 
very  day. 

Mrs.  Call.  Oh,  how  sorry  I am!  I intended  to 
have  got  another  pattern  before  it  was  gone.  But,  do 
tell  me,  who  had  the  last  ? 

Smoothly.  Miss  Begabit. 

Mrs.  Call.  Miss  Begabit ! I do  wonder  people  will 
be  so  troublesome. 

Smoothly.  Not  the  least  trouble  in  the  world,  ma’am. 
Mrs.  Call.  Why  to  be  sure,  where  people  is  in  the 
habit  of  buying  like  I am,  it’s  all  well  enough ; but  for 
such  tiresome  creatures  as  Miss  Begabit,  who  do  nothing 
but  shop,  shop,  all  day  long,  and  every  day  in  the  week — 
it’s  too  bad.  By  the  by,  Mr.  Smoothly,  now  I think  of 
it,  have  you  sold  that  piece  of  calico  I took  a pattern  of 
about  a month  ago,  and  told  you  to  lay  by  for  me  ? 


THE  PERILS  OF  PEARL  STREET. 


31 


Smoothly . No,  ma’am,  here  it  is. 

Mrs.  Call.  Thank  you,  Mr.  Smoothly — you  art  a 
dear  obliging  man,  it  does’nt  signify — and  I’m  so  glad 
you  hav’nt  sold  it,  for  I’ll  take  another  pattern  now. 

Smoothly.  Certainly,  ma’am. 

Mrs.  Call.  A little  bigger  if  you  please. 

Smoothly.  Certainly — certainly,  ma’am. 

Mrs.  Call.  It  is  a charming  piece  of  calico. 

Smoothly.  Superb. 

Mrs.  Call.  Shall  I trouble  you  to  lay  it  aside  for  me 
again  ? 

Smoothly.  No  trouble  in  the  world,  ma’am.  Any 
thing  else  to-day  ? 

Mrs.  Call.  I’ll  take  another  pattern  of  that  silk,  if  you 


Smoothly.  Unquestionably,  madam.  Any  thing  else 
to-day  ? 

Mrs.  Call.  Let  me  see — why,  yes,  now  I think  of 
it,  I’ll  take  some  patterns,  both  of  the  silk  and  calico,  for  a 
couple  of  cousins  of  mine  from  the  country.  They’ll  be 
delighted  with  them. 

Smoothly.  Any  thing  else  to  day  ? Here’s  a new 
species  of  muslin — entirely  a new  style  of  goods — a su- 
perb article. 

Mrs.  Call.  It  is  beautiful.  I’ll  take  some  patterns 
of  that,  if  you  please — a large  one  for  myself,  and  two 
smaller  ones  for  my  cousins. 


32 


THE  PERILS  OF  PEARL  STREET. 


Smoothly.  Thank  you,  madam — much  obliged  to 
you.  Any  thing  else  to  day  % 

Mrs.  Call.  Nothing  more,  that  I can  think  of  now — 
ah,  yes,  I’d  like  to  have  forgot  myself.  I’ll  take  a yard 
of  your  tape,  if  you  please — the  cheapest  kind.  I always 
buy  something  you  know.  It  would’nt  be  right  to  give 
you  so  much  trouble  for  nothing. 

Smoothly,  Don’t  speak  of  the  trouble,  Mrs.  Calla- 
gam,  I beg  of  you. 

Mrs.  Call.  Oh ! if  there  aint  that  odious  Miss  Bega- 
bit,  coming  in  this  very  moment;  I wonder  how  you 
can  endure  such  a troublesome  thing  as  she  is.  For 
my  part  I can’t  bear  the  sight  of  her.  Good  bye,  Mr 
Smoothly — never  mind  the  tape  now — I’ll  call  again  to- 
morrow. [Exit. 

Poor  Joseph  Smoothly!  he  bowed  and  smiled,  and 
then  turned  to  wait  on  Miss  Begabit.  And  so  it  went 
on  from  day  to  day.  He  did  an  immense  business,  such 
as  it  was;  but  he  did  a business  which  would  have 
ruined  any  man.  It  was  much  like  that  of  a certain 
nameless  character,  when  he  sheared  the  swine : ' Great 
cry  and  little  wool.’ 

Mr.  Smoothly  was  to  pay  me  quarterly,  at  the  rate  of 
three  hundred  dollars  per  annum  But  before  the  first 
quarter  had  expired,  he  failed.  Poor  man  ! he  fell  a 
martyr  to  his  excessive  politeness.  All  he  had  left  in 
his  store,  was  a few  odds  and  ends,  strangely  cut  and 


THE  PERILS  OF  PEARL  STREET. 


33 


notched  by  the  practice  of  giving  patterns ; and  all  his 
money  and  effects  would  not  pay  ten  cents  on  the  dollar. 

I had  not  designed,  as  I mentioned  before,  to  continue 
very  long  as  a retail  clerk;  and  my  friend  Davy  Jones — 
as  he  was  familiarly  called — having  in  the  meantime 
been  on  the  look-out  for  my  interest,  procured  me  a 
situation  in  Pearl  street,  into  which  I was  inducted 
pretty  soon  after  the  failure  of  my  employer,  in 
Broadway. 


4* 


1 


>• 


' 

- 


THE  PERILS  OF  PEARL  STREET. 


35 


CHAPTER  V. 

Wherein  the  hero  gets  into  difficulty  with  his  landlady — of  whom , 
together  with  her  house,  the  reader  is  treated  to  a faithful 
sketch . 

Behold  what  a change ! I.  was  now  a clerk  in  Pearl 
street  ; I was  now  in  the  high  road  which  I meant  to 
travel,  to  wealth,  to  happiness,  and  to  mercantile  glory. 
It  would  indeed  be  some  little  time  first;  but  I saw  the 
way  perfectly  clear  before  me,  in  which  I felt  sure  of 
ultimately  reaching  the  goal  of  my  wishes.  My  salary 
was  now  six  hundred  dollars  per  annum — a gain  of  a 
hundred  per  cent  in  the  space  of  a few  short  days. 
This  looked  well ; my  prospects  were  certainly  improv- 
ing ; and  I entertained  very  sanguine  hopes. 

But  I was  destined  to  a vexatious  affair  with  my  land- 
lady. On  taking  possession  of  my  new  place,  I was  re- 
quested by  my  employers,  Messrs.  Smirk,  Quirk  & Co. 
to  take  board  at  one  of  the  principal  hotels,  for  the  con- 
venience of  drumming — they  agreeing  to  pay  the 
difference  between  the  price  of  board  at  a public  and 


36 


THE  PERILS  OF  PEARL  STREET. 


a private  house,  in  consideration  of  the  advantages  they 
expected  to  derive  from  the  change. 

Expecting  to  receive  my  money  from  Mr.  Smoothly 
at  the  end  of  a quarter,  I had  agreed  to  pay  Mrs.  Con- 
niption, my  landlady,  at  the  same  time.  But  the  failure 
of  my  employer  caused  the  failure  of  his  clerk — at  least 
so  far  as  it  regarded  the  engagement  with  Mrs.  Con- 
niption. This  the  good  lady  very  well  knew;  but 
when  I left  her  house,  to  go  to  my  new  lodgings — 
though  I assured  her  she  should  he  paid,  as  soon  as  I 
could  receive  money  from  Messrs.  Smirk,  Quirk  & Co., 
she  seized  upon  my  trunk  of  clothes,  as  security  for  the 
debt.  I suppose,  at  least,  she  took  them  for  security, 
for  I am  pretty  certain  she  could  not  have  designed  to 
wear  them  upon  her  own  lovely  person,  which  was 
somewhat  about  twice  my  circumference,  with  a little 
more  than  half  my  length. 

At  all  events,  the  articles,  which  she  seized,  saving 
such  things  as  I happened  to  have  on,  constituted  my 
entire  wardrobe;  to  wit,  two  pair  of  stockings,  one  vest, 
one  pair  of  pantaloons,  one  dress-coat,  one  surtout,  two 
nightcaps,  three  cravats,  one  pair  of  hoots,  and  one  pair 
of  slippers.  False  collars  had  scarcely  then  come  in 
fashion ; and  dickies,  and  all  other  apologies  for  a shirt, 
I heartily  despised. 

But  apropos  of  my  landlady.  I must  give  a short 
account  of  her.  As  I have  just  hinted,  she  was  a short 


THE  PERILS  OF  PEARL  STREET. 


37 


woman.  True,  she  was  short  in  every  sense  of  the 
word.  Her  person  was  short;  her  neck  was  short ; 
her  fingers  were  short ; her  provisions  were  short ; and 
she  was  short  and  crusty.  In  speaking  of  her  short- 
ness, however,  I should  perhaps  except  her  tongue, 
which  upon  certain  occasions  was  quite  long  enough. 
She  was  a little,  squat  old  woman,  somewhat  wrinkled 
in  the  face,  somewhat  sharp  in  the  matter  of  a nose,  and 
particularly  sharp  in  the  matter  of  money. 

Such  was  Mrs.  Conniption.  She  kept  a four-dollar 
boarding  house;  and  made  money,  not  so  much  by 
the  high  price  which  she  exacted  of  her  guests,  as  by  the 
low  price  of  the  conveniences  with  which  she  furnish- 
ed them.  Her  charge  for  board  and  lodging  was  suffi- 
ciently moderate  ; but  the  rate,  at  which  she  purchaser- 
provisions  for  bed  and  board,  was  quite  too  moderate. 

And  this  was  the  secret  of  Mrs.  Conniption’s  wealtn. 
She  made  money  by  stinting  her  boarders.  She  pur- 
chased the  cheapest  articles  in  the  market — the  very  re- 
fuse of  more  generous  house-keepers.  Whether  it  was 
meat,  vegetables,  or  fruit,  she  took  care  to  obtain  such 
only  as  could  be  purchased  at  half  price.  Fifty  per 
cent,  said  she  to  herself,  is  worth  saving;  and  as  for  my 
boarders — la ! they’ll  never  know  the  difference.  But 
my  pocket  will  feel  it  most  sensibly. 

As  for  me,  I might  say  my  stomach  felt  it  most  sensi- 
bly. 1 shall  never  forget  the  impression  of  Mrs.  Con 


38 


THE  PERILS  OF  PEARL  STREET. 


niption’s  boarding  house,  the  longest  day  I have  to  live. 

I seem  at  this  moment  to  see  every  thing  before  me,  as 
it  happened  at  the  time.  I will  give  a picture — merely 
the  picture  of  a day. 

I must  begin  then  with  the  breakfast  table.  There 
were  some  fifteen  or  twenty  boarders,  and  at  least  two 
dishes — a salt  shad,  or  mackerel,  and  a lean  beef  steak, 
which  had  been  dried,  not  broiled,  over  the  coals.  Per- 
haps one  or  the  other  of  these,  for  a rarity,  was  alter- 
nated with  stale  sausages,  or  salt  leg  of  pork — salted 
almost  beyond  the  possibility  of  being  eaten.  No  fowls, 
no  eggs,  no  oysters,  ever  made  their  way  to  the  break- 
fast table.  Along  with  the  fish  or  flesh,  the  stale  sausa- 
ges or  trebly-salted  pork,  might  be  seen  a plate  or  two 
of  bread,  sometimes  of  rye,  sometimes  of  wheat,  baked 
by  Mrs.  Conniption  herself,  thoroughly  soured,  and  as 
heavy  as  a grindstone ; but  no  admittance  was  allowed 
to  toast,  buckwheat  cakes,  or  hot  rolls.  There  was  a 
small  quantity  of  butter,  such  as  it  was ; but  its  color 
was  nearly  as  various  as  the  rainbow ; and  after  having 
been  doubly  salted  at  home  to  make  it  weigh  more,  it 
had  been  salted  again  by  Mrs.  Conniption  to  make  it  go 
the  further  with  her  boarders. 

So  much  for  the  morning  eatahles.  At  the  head  of  the 
table  sat  the  sweet  lady  herself,  drawing  from  a coffee 
urn  and  distributing — oh  heavens!  I have  not  yet 
found  a name  for  it.  The  basis  of  it,  however,  was  wa- 


THE  PERILS  OF  PEARL  STREET. 


39 


ter,  drawn  from  the  Manhattan  hydrant  or  the  pump, 
which  in  its  purest  state  was  scarcely  drinkable.  Added 
to  this  was  a small  quantity  of  damaged  coffee,  burnt 
crust,  or  roasted  rye,  well  pulverised — which,  having 
boiled  awhile,  was  thoroughly  incorporated  with  the 
water  5 and  both  drawn  together  into  the  cups,  exhibited, 
when  combined  with  a little  milk,  very  much  the  ap- 
pearance of  ashes  and  water.  The  taste  of  this  strange 
mixture,  being  indescribable,  I leave  to  the  reader’s 
imagination.  The  lady  presidentess  never  asked,  Is 
your  coffee — she  certainly  called  it  coffee ! — I say,  she 
never  asked,  Is  your  coffee  agreeable,  sir? — Do  I make 
your  coffee  to  suit  you,  madam  ? lest  some  one  should 
have  the  impudence  to  ask  for  more  sugar  or  milk,  and 
she  should  he  a loser  by  her  ill-judged  politeness. 

At  the  dinner  table,  the  picture  was  a shade  or  two 
brighter.  But  here  there  was  nothing  to  boast  of — for 
the  meat,  having  been  bought  at  a reduced  price  in  the 
market,  did  not  of  course  consist  of  the  prime  pieces ; 
and,  what  was  worse  still,  it  was  spoilt  in  the  cooking.  If 
roasted,  it  had  never  felt  the  softening  and  savory  influence 
of  the  basting-spoon ; hut  was  as  dry  as  a chip,  and  to- 
tally destitute  of  any  inviting  qualities.  Add  to  this,  it 
was  accompanied  by  no  gravy — or  nothing  deserving  of 
that  title — the  contents  of  the  attending  butter-boat  being 
neither  more  nor  less  than  unmingled  grease  at  the  top,  a 
watery  mixture  in  the  middle,  and  a variously  compound- 


40 


THE  PERILS  OF  PEARL  STREET. 


ed  sediment  of  salt  and  other  ingredients  at  the  bottom 
Such  was  the  character  of  the  roast,  whether  it  were  beef, 
mutton,  veal,  or  swine’s  flesh.  As  for  chickens,  ducks, 
or  poultry  of  any  kind,  they  never  winged  their  way  so 
far  as  Mrs.  Conniption’s  table.  A boiled  leg  of  mutton 
was  rarely  seen — and  when  seen,  was  never  accompa- 
nied by  its  legitimate  attendant,  drawn-butter-and- 
parsley.  But  roasted  mutton,  smelling  strong  of  its 
sheepish  qualities  and  reeking  in  its  own  grease,  was 
seldom  wanting  to  grace  the  board.  For  vegetables, 
there  were  round  watery  potatoes,  sliced  beats,  boiled 
cabbage,  and  so  forth ; but  for  celery — crisp,  well-bleach- 
ed, delicious,  appetite-inspiring  celery — we  had  none 
of  it. 

Wait  a minute,  and  you  shall  have  the  dessert — and  a 
desert  indeed  it  was,  nearly  as  barren  of  attraction  as  the 
desert  of  Arabia.  Behold  an  apple  dumpling,  with  the 
crust  so  tough,  that  it  needed  not,  like  that  which  so 
puzzled  old  King  George — as  said  and  sung  by  Peter 
Pindar — to  be  sewed,  to  keep  it  together  ; but  would 
rather  require  an  axe  or  cleaver  to  cut  it  asunder — 
enclosing  an  apple  so  sour  that,  if  you  ate  it,  your 
children’s  teeth  would  be  set  on  edge.  A pudding'made 
of  rice  and  water,  in  which  the  latter  ingredient  most 
plentifully  abounded ; or  a batch  of  boiled  rice,  concreted 
nearly  into  the  hardness  of  a stone,  to  be  eaten  with  W. 
I.  molasses.  An  apple  pie,  with  the  crust  as  strong  as 


THE  PERILS  OF  PEARL  STREET. 


41 


sole-leather,  enclosing  here  and  there  a hit  of  apple,  as 
tart  as  the  woman  that  made  it ; or  sweetened,  if  at  all, 
merely^with  that  same  W.  I.  molasses.  Or  perchance 
your  eye  might  be  feasted  upon  a dessert  of  fruits — but 
what  fruits !— shrivelled  peaches,  purchased  dearly  at 
fifty  cents  a bushel,  sour  pears  not  worth  twenty-five 
cents,  or  wormy  apples  not  worth  a shilling. 

But  all  this,  was  princely  compared  with  the  tea-table, 
which,  in  the  first  place,  was  nothing  but  a suite  of  bare 
boards — mahogany  it  might  be,  and  faithfully  polished 
— but  no  table  can  be  considered  as  properly  set  without 
a cloth.  However,  it  is  not  so  much  the  table  itself  I 
would  depict,  as  the  articles  upon  it,  and  the  mistress  at 
the  upper  end  of  it.  As  at  breakfast,  so  at  tea,  there  sat 
Mrs.  Conniption — heavens,  what  a countenance!  If 
the  milk  had  not  been  watered  beyond  the  possibility 
of  being  soured,  her  face  would  certainly  have  turned  it 
to  bonnyclabber.  The  eatables  consisted  chiefly  of  dry 
bread  and  extra-salted  butter ; but  the  tea,  or  that  liquid 
which  was  so  called,  is  the  object  most  deserving  of  par- 
ticular admiration.  How  so  large  a quantity  of  be  verge 
could  be  made  from  so  small  a quantity  of  the  Chinese 
herb,  would  certainly  have  been  matter  of  marvel  to  any 
one  not  acquainted  with  the  economy  of  Mrs.  Connip- 
tion’s boarding  house.  Some  might  suppose  it  was 
owing  to  a peculiar  virtue  in  the  inside  of  the  good  lady’s 
teapot,  or  to  some  superior  quality  of  the  herb  em- 


42 


THE  PERILS  OF  PEARL  STREET. 


ployed.  But  I can  assure  them  this  was  not  the  case  ; 
and  no  person,  who  had  ever  tasted  the  infusion,  or  rather 
decoction,  could  have  much  doubt  as  to  the  mode  of  its 
preparation.  One  thimbleful  of  tea  was  put  into  a quart, 
a gallon,  or  some  other  assignable  quantity  of  water ; and 
the  leaves  of  the  herb  might  be  seen,  like  the  wrecked 
Trojans,  floating  in  a vast  sea,  few  and  far  apart.  Mrs. 
Conniption  always  measured  her  tea  in  a thimble.  At 
first,  the  teapot  was  filled  with  water,  and  after  a thorough 
decoction  of  the  thimbleful,  it  was  brought  upon  the  table. 
As  soon  as  it  began  to  run  low,  it  was  again  filled  with 
water.  A second  pouring  out  took  place,  and  it  was 
again  replenished  with  water.  And  so  on,  alternately 
pouring  out  and  filling  up,  as  long  as  there  were  any 
guests  to  be  served.  From  this  account  of  its  prepara- 
tion, it  requires  no  Yankee  to  guess  at  the  nature  of  the 
liquid  prepared.  On  the  same  general  principle  of 
economy,  the  boarders  were  not  allowed  to  sweeten  their 
own  tea,  lest  they  should  be  too  profuse  of  the  sugar  : 
nor  to  cream  it,  lest  they  should  draw  too  largely  on 
the  precious  milk  and  water,  whereof  a single  gill  was 
made  to  serve  the  whole  table.  The  presiding  goddess 
of  the  teapot — alias , Mrs.  Conniption — put  into  each  cup 
half  a tea  spoonful  of  brown  Havana  sugar,  and  five  drops 
of  milk.  If  any  one  was  dissatisfied  with  this  quantity, 
and  had  the  impudence. to  send  up  his  cup  for  more,  she 
put  in  perhaps  one  fourth  of  a tea-spoonful  of  sugar,  and 


THE  PERILS  OF  PEARL  STREET. 


43 


three  other  drops  of  milk,  at  the  same  time  glancing-  at 
him  a look  as  if  she  would  bite  his  head  off  But  though 
so  sparing  of  the  sugar  and  milk,  it  is  but  justice  to  Mrs. 
Conniption  to  say,  she  dealt  bountifully  with  us  in  the 
article  of  tea,  for  pump-water  was  cheap,  and  the  process 
of  pouring  in,  very  easily  supplied  the  exhaustion  of 
pouring  out.  In  short,  had  it  not.  been  for  the  expense 
of  sugar  and  milk,  we  might  have  had  the  tea,  like  a 
certain  modern  author’s  poetry, — 

“ In  one  weak,  washy,  everlasting  flood.” 

\ 

It  now  only  remains  to  speak  of  the  commodity  of 
lodging.  We  had,  on  an  average,  half  a dozen  beds  in  a 
room,  where  we  could  sleep  and  snore  in  concert,  or,  if 
more  agreeable,  keep  one  another  awake.  As  for  that 
whereon  we  lay,  there  was  usually  a plentiful  lack  of 
feathers  ; but,  to  make  up  this  deficiency,  we  had  as 
much  straw  as  we  could  wish,  and  so  thrown  up  into 
ridges  and  lumps  and  bumps,  that  we  felt  as  if  we  were 
stretched  across  a pile  of  rails,  or  an  assortment  of  cop- 
ple-stones.  To  add  still  further  to  our  comfort,  ever  and 
anon  our  noses  were  assailed  by  the  odor  of  one  of  those 
sanguinary  animals,  that  come  travelling  over  your 
pillow,  and  insist,  like  Shylock,  upon  having  their  pound 
of  flesh.  Sheets,  which  were  changed  once  a month  ; 


44 


THE  PERILS  OF  PEARL  STREET 


a towel,  which  was  changed  once  a fortnight ; a course 
ewer  and  basin ; and  a hit  of  worn-out  carpeting,  com- 
pleted the  furniture. 

Such  is  a slight  sketch  of  Mrs.  Conniption  and  her 
hoarding  house.  Of  her  seizure  of  my  goods  and  chat- 
tels, I will  speak  further  in  the  next  chapter. 


THE  1’ERILS  OF  PEARL  STREET. 


45 


CHAPTER  VI. 

Wherein  the  hero  has  recourse  to  Davy  Jones. 

When  I first  found  my  clothes  detained,  I was  in  no 
little  trouble.  I knew  not  what  to  do.  I had  not  a 
change  of  linen,  nor  money  to  buy  one.  At  first  I en- 
deavored to  soften  the  heart  of  my  landlady,  by  gentle 
words  and  fair  promises.  I am  not  certain  but  I said 
something  to  her  of  her  charming  looks  and  amiable  dis- 
position. If  I did,  heaven  forgive  me ! never  was  lan- 
guage more  wofully  misapplied,  never  was  flattery  more 
completely  thrown  away.  I might  as  well  have  at- 
tempted to  melt  an  iceberg  with  a farthing  candle.  She 
declared  that  I should  not  have  a rag  of  my  clothes  until 
her  bill  was  paid.  She  said  she  had  seen  such  chaps  as 
me  before,  and  she  knew  how  to  deal  with  them.  She 
could’nt  afford  such  accommodations  as  hers,  indeed  she 
could’nt,  without  being  promptly  paid  for  them. 

Thus  she  went  on,  until  I began  to  get  out  of  all  pa- 
tience, and  told  her  she  might  go  to  Old  Nick  with  her 
5* 


46 


THE  PERILS  OF  PEARL  STREET. 


accommodations,  for  what  I cared ; I would  not  trouble 
myself  with  further  solicitations,  hut  take  some  other 
mode  of  recovering  my  property. 

“ A fiddlestick’s  end  for  your  tother  mood!”  exclaim- 
claimed  the  old  lady,  “ I know  what  the  law  is,  and  I’ll 
maintain  it  too.  You  don’t  catch  me  asleep  with  both 
my  eyes  open,  I warrant  you.” 

When  I spoke  to  Mrs.  Conniption  of  taking  some 
other  mode  of  recovering  my  property,  I had  no  refer- 
ence to  the  law;  and  merely  intended  if  possible  to 
raise  the  money  of  my  new  employers,  Messrs.  Smirk, 
Quirk,  & Co.  I accordingly  applied  to  them,  but  in 
vain.  They  declared  they  would  pay  no  man  his  wages, 
before  he  had  earned  them. 

“ You  are  right,  gentlemen,”  said  I,  “it  is  fair  to  pay 
when  the  work  is  done.  But  it  was  not  exactly  in  the 
shape  of  wages  that  I asked  for  this  money.  My  case 
is  rather  a peculiar  one,  and  owing  to  misfortune  entire- 
ly. It  is  not  above  forty-five  dollars  that  I owe ; and  I 
thought,  as  I was  now  in  your  employ,  you  would  be- 
friend me  so  far  as — ” 

“We  can’t — we  can’t  do  it,”  said  Mr.  Smirk,  speak- 
ing short  and  bustling  about.  “ There’s  no  use  in  talk- 
ing to  us — we  never  do  any  thing  without  a quid  per 
quod,  as  the  lawyers  say — we  never  do  any  thing  for 
mere  friendship — that’s  all  stuff— that  won’t  do  for  men 


THE  PERILS  OF  PEARL  STREET. 


47 


of  business — friendship  starved  a cat.  When  you  earn 
your  wages,  we’ll  pay  them.” 

Hfiving  met  with  this  rebuff  from  my  ungentlemanly 
employers,  I next  had  recourse  to  my  friend  David 
Jones,  who  informed  me — much  to  my  relief — that  Mrs. 
Conniption  had  no  right  to  retain  my  property;  and 
that,  if  I chose  to  push  the  matter,  the  law  would  make 
her  suffer  severely. 

I assured  him  I had  no  desire  to  meddle  with  the  law, 
if  I could  help  it.  That  it  was  a troublesome  and  tedious 
business  at  best,  besides  being  attended  with  a glorious 
uncertainty  in  the  end. 

“ There  is  no  uncertainty  about  it  in  this  case,”  he 
replied — “ however,  I’ll  save  you  the  trouble  of  going  to 
law — I’ll  get  your  clothes  for  you  in  less  than  half  an 
hour,  without  any  expense.  I know  how  to  deal  with 
such  folks  as  old  Mrs.  Conniption.  Leave  her  to  me ; 
I’ll  manage  her.” 

So  saying,  my  friend  Davy  posted  forthwith  to  see 
the  good  woman ; and,  indeed,  in  less  than  half  an  hour 
I was  in  possession  of  my  trunk,  and  all  and  sundry  of 
my  property  which  had  been  detained.  On  inquiring 
how  he  had  so  suddenly  procured  its  release,  he  replied, 
he  had  threatened  the  old  woman  with  the  law. 

“ Well,  how  did  she  take  it  ?” 

“ At  first  she  would’nt  take  it  all.  She  said  she  knew 
as  much  about  the  law  as  any  body — she  had  a right  to 


48 


THE  PERILS  OF  PEARL  STREET. 


retain  the  boarders’  clothes,  if  they  went  away  without 
paying  her- — that  she  had  done  it  time  and  again,  without 
warrant,  or  execution,  or  sisserarrah,  or  any  such  tiling. 

“ All  that  may  he,  good  woman,  said  I ; but  this  will 
be  the  last  opportunity  you’ll  have  of  doing  it,  unless 
you  give  up  Mr.  Hazard’s  clothes  in  the  space  of  three 
minutes.” 

“ How  did  she  take  that  ?” 

“ Oh,  she  took  it  as  gently  as  a lamb — she  was  afraid 
to  do  otherwise — she  knew  me,  and  I knew  her,  and  she 
knew  that  I knew  her — and  so  the  affair  was  settled 
directly.” 

' £. 


THE  PERILS  OF  PEARL  STREET. 


49 


CHAPTER  VII 


Containing  an  account  of  a remarkable  personage . 


The  firm  of  Smirk,  Quirk  & Co.  affected  a great 
parade  and  hustle  in  the  way  of  business.  They  em- 
ployed a large  number  of  clerks,  whom  they  hoarded 
at  the  different  hotels,  for  the  convenience  of  drumming ; 
besides  each  member  of  the  firm  boarding  in  like  man- 
ner, and  for  a similar  purpose.  They  had  an  immense 
pile  of  large  boxes,  such  as  are  used  for  packing  dry 
goods,  constantly  before  their  door,  blocking  up  the  side- 
walk so  that  it  was  nearly  impossible  to  pass.  They 
advertised  largely  in  several  of  the  daily  papers,  and 
made  any  persons  believe,  what  they  boasted  themselves, 
that  they  sold  more  dry  goods  than  any  house  in  the 
city. 

But  those,  who  were,  behind  the  curtain,  knew  belter. 
They  knew  there  was  a great  deal  of  vain  boast  and 
empty  show.  They  knew  that  Peter  Funk  was  much 


50 


THE  PERILS  OF  TEARL  STREET. 


employed  about  the  premises,  and  putting  the  best  possi  - 
ble face  upon  every  thing. 

By  the  hy,  speaking  of  Peter  Funk,  I must  give  a 
short  history  of  that  distinguished  personage.  When, 
or  where,  he  was  born,  I cannot  pretend  to  say.  Nei- 
ther do  I know  who  were  his  parents,  or  what  was  his 
bringing  up.  He  might  have  been  the  child  of  thirty- 
six  fathers  for  aught  I know;  and  instead  of  being 
brought  up,  have,  as  the  vulgar  saying  is,  come  up 
himself. 

One  thing  is  certain,  he  has  been  known  among  mer- 
chants time  out  of  mind ; and  though  he  is  despised  and 
hated  by  some,  he  is  much  employed  and  cherished  by 
others.  He  is  a little,  bustling,  active,  smiling,  bowing, 
scraping,  quizzical  fellow,  in  a powdered  wig,  London- 

brown  coat,  drab  kefseymere  breeches,  and  black  silk 
stockings. 

1 his  is  the  standing  portrait  of  Peter  Funk— if  a 
being,  who  changes  his  figure  every  day,  every  hour, 
and  perhaps  every  minute,  may  be  said  to  have  any  sort 
of  fixed  or  regular  form.  The  truth  is,  Peter  Funk  is 
a very  Proteus;  and  those,  who  behold  him  in  one 
shape  to-day,  may,  if  they  will  watch  his  transformations, 
behold  him  in  a hundred  different  forms  on  the  morrow. 
Indeed  there  is  no  calculating,  from  his  present  appear- 


THE  PERILS  OF  PEARL  STREET. 


51 


ance,  in  what  shape  he  will  he  likely  to  figure  next.  He 
changes  at  will,  to  suit  the  wishes  of  his  employers. 

His  mind  is  as  flexible  as  his  person.  He  has  no 
scruples  of  conscience.  He  is  ready  to  be  employed  in 
all  manner  of  deceit  and  deviltry  ; and  he  cares  not  who 
his  employers  are,  if  they  only  give  him  plenty  of  busi- 
ness. In  short,  he-is  the  most  active,  industrious,  accom- 
modating, dishonest,  unprincipled  convenient  little  varlet 
that  ever  lived. 

Besides  all  the  various  qualities  I have  mentioned, 

Peter  Funk  seems  to  be  endowed  with  ubiquity — or  at 

least  with  the  faculty  of  being  present  in  more  places 

than  one  at  the  same  time.  If  it  were  not  so,  how  could 

# • 

he  serve  so  many  masters  at  once  ? How  could  he  be 
seen,  in  one  part  of  Pearl  street  buying  goods  at  auc- 
tion; in  another  part,  standing  at  the  door  with  a quill 
behind  each  ear ; and  in  a third,  figuring  in  the  shape 
of  a box  of  goods,  or  cooped  up  on  the  shelf,  making  a 
show  of  merchandize  where  all  was  emptiness  behind  ? 

With  this  account  of  Peter  Funk,  my  readers  have 
perhaps,  by  this  time,  gathered  some  idea  of  his  charac- 
ter. If  not,  I must  inform  them  that  he  is  the  very  imp 
of  deception ; that  his  sole  occupation  is  to  deceive ; and 
that  he  is  only  employed  for  that  purpose.  Indeed,  such 
being  his  known  character  in  the  mercantile  community, 
his  name  is  sometimes  used  figuratively  to  signify  any 


52 


THE  PERILS  OF  PEARL  STREET. 

thing  which  is  employed  for  the  purpose  of  deception — 
or  as  the  sharp  ones  say,  to  gull  the  flats. 

Such  being  the  various  and  accommodating  character 
of  Peter  F unk,  it  is  not  at  all  surprising  that  his  services 
should  be  in  great  demand.  Accordingly  he  is  very 
much  employed  in  Pearl  street — sometimes  under  one 
name,  and  sometimes  under  another — for  I should  have 
mentioned,  as  a part  of  his  character,  that  he  is  exceed- 
ingly apt  to  change  names,  and  has  as  many  aliases  as 
the  most  expert  rogue  in  Bridewell  or  the  Court  of  Ses- 
sions. Sometimes  he  takes  the  name  of  John  Smith, 
sometimes  James  Smith,  and  sometimes  simply  Mr. 
Smith.  At  other  times  he  is  called  Roger  Brown,  Si- 
mon White,  Bob  Johnson,  or  Tommy  Thompson.  In 
short,  he  has  an  endless  variety  of  names,  under  which 
he  passes  before  the  world  for  so  many  different  persons. 
The  initiated  only  know,  and  every  body  else  is  gulled. 

Peter  Funk  is  a great  hand  at  auctions.  He  is  con- 
stantly present,  bidding  up  the  goods  as  though  he  was 
determined  to  buy  every  thing  before  him.  He  is  well 
known  for  bidding  higher  than  any  body  else  ; or,  at  all 
events,  for  running  up  an  article  to  the  very  highest 
notch,  though  he  finally  lets  the  opposing  bidder  take  it, 
merely,  as  he  says,  to  accommodate  him — or,  not  par- 
ticularly wanting  the  article  himself,  he  professes  to  have 
bid  upon  it  solely  because  he  thought  it  a great  pity  so 


THE  PERILS  OP  PEARL  STREET. 


53 


fine  a piece  of  goods  should  go  so  very  far  beneath  its 
value. 

It  is  no  uncommon  thing  to  see  the  little  fellow  attend- 
ing an  auction,  in  his  powdered  wig,  his  brown  coat,  his 
drab  kerseys,  as  fat  as  a pig,  as  sleek  as  a mole,  and 
smiling  with  the  most  happy  countenance,  as  if  he  were 
about  to  make  his  fortune.  It  is  no  uncommon  thing, 
to  see  him  standing  near  the  auctioneer,  and  exclaiming, 
as  he  keeps  bobbing  his  head  in  token  of  bidding- — u A 
superb  piece  of  goods  ! a fine  piece  of  goods  ! great  pity 
it  should  go  so  cheap — I don’t  want  it,  but  I’ll  givs 
another  twenty-five  cents,  rather  than  it  should  go  for 
nothing.”  The  opposite  bidder  is  probably  some  novice 
from  the  country — some  honest  Johnny  Raw,  who  is 
shrewd  enough  in  what  he  understands,  but  has  never  in 
his  life  heard  of  Peter  Funk.  Seeing  so  very  knowing 
and  respectable  a looking  man,  bidding  upon  the  piece 
of  goods  and  praising  it  up  at  every  nod,  he  naturally 
thinks  it  must  be  a great  bargain,  and  he  is  determined 
to  have  it,  let  it  cost  what  it  will.  The  result  is,  that  he 
gives  fifty  per  cent  more  for  the  article  than  it  is  worth  ; 
and  the  auctioneer  and  Peter  Funk  are  ready  to  burst 
with  laughter  at  the  prodigious  gull  they  have  made  of 
the  poor  countryman. 

By  thus  running  up  goods,  Peter  i3  of  great  service  to 
the  auctioneers,  though  he  never  pays  them  a cent  of 
6 


64  THE  PERILS  OP  TEARL  STREET. 

money.  Indeed  it  is  not  his  intention  to  purchase,  nor 
is  it  that  of  the  auctioneer  that  he  should.  Goods 
nevertheless  are  frequently  struck  off  to  him  ; and  then 
the  salesman  cries  out  the  name  of  Mr.  Smith,  Mr.  John- 
son, or  some  other  among  the  hundred  aliases  of  Peter 
Funk,  as  the  purchaser.  But  the  goods,  on  such  occa- 
sions, are  always  taken  back  by  the  auctioneer,  agreea- 
bly to  a secret  understanding  between  him  and  Peter. 

In  a word,  Peter  F unk  is  the  great  under-bidder  at  all 
the  auctions,  and  might  with  no  little  propriety  be  styled 
the  under-bidder  general.  But  this  sort  of  characters 
are  both  unlawful  and  unpopular — not  to  say  odious — 
and  hence  it  becomes  necessary  for  Peter  Funk,  alias 
the  under-bidder,  to  have  so  many  aliases  to  his  name, 
in  order  that  he  may  not  be  detected  in  the  underhanded 
practice  of  under-bidding. 

To  avoid  detection,  however,  he  sometimes  resorts  to 
other  tricks,  among  which  one  is,  to  act  the  part  of  a ven- 
triloquist, and  appear  to  be  several  different  persons,  bid- 
ding in  different  places.  He  has  the  knack  of  changing 
his  voice  at  will,  and  counterfeiting  that  of  sundry  well- 
known  persons  ; so  that  goods  are  sometimes  knocked 
off  to  gentlemen  who  have  never  opened  their  mouths. 

But  a very  common  trick  of  Peter’s,  is,  to  conceal 
himself  in  the  cellar,  from  whence,  through  a convenient 
hole  near  the  auctioneer,  his  voice  is  heard  bidding  for 


THE  PERILS  OF  PEARL  STREET. 


55 


goods  ; and  nobody,  but  those  in  the  secret,  know  from 
whence  the  sound  proceeds.  This  is  acting  the  part  of 
Peter  Funk  in  the  cellar. 

But  Peter,  for  the  most  part,  is  fond  of  being  seen  in 
some  shape  or  other ; and  it  matters  little  what,  so  that 
he  can  aid  his  employers  in  carrying  on  a system  of  de- 
ception. He  will  figure  in  the  shape  of  a box,  bale,  or 
package  of  goods ; he  will  appear  in  twenty  different 
places,  at  the  same  time,  on  the  shelf  of  a jobber — some- 
times representing  a specimen  of  English,  French,  or 
other  goods — but  being  a mere  shadow,  and  nothing  else 
—a  phantasma — a show  without  the  substance.  In  this 
manner  it  was,  that  he  often  figured  in  the  service  of 
Smirk,  Quirk  & Co.  ; and  while  people  were  astonished 
at  the  prodigious  quantity  of  goods  they  had  in  their 
store,  two  thirds  at  least  of  the  show  was  owing  to  Peter 
F unk. 


, 


- 


THE  PERILS  OF  PEARL  STREET,, 


57 


CHAPTER  Till. 

Being  a brief  essay  on  the  art  of  drumming . 

Though  much  of  the  apparent  business  of  my  employ- 
ers was  mere  empty  show,  nevertheless  it  must  be  owned 
that  they  got  off  a considerable  quantity  of  goods,  which 
they  did  chiefly  by  dint  of  drumming  : for,  as  I said  be- 
fore, they  boarded  their  numerous  clerks,  as  well  as 
themselves,  at  the  different  hotels  in  the  city,  for  this  very 
purpose. 

As  I have  mentioned  the  practice  of  drumming,  it  will 
doubtless  be  necessary,  for  the  better  understanding  of 
iny  readers — especially  those  in  the  country — to  define 
what  is  meant  by  the  use  of  the  term.  I well  recollect, 
and  indeed  have  already  spoken  of,  my  own  ignorance 
on  the  subject,  when  I first  came  to  the  city ; and  I take 
it  to  be  no  disparagement  to  my  country  readers  in  gen- 
eral, to  suppose  they  are  as  little  acquainted  with  the 
matter  as  I myself  was  at  that  time. 

Drumming,  in  mercantile  phrase,  means  the  soliciting 
of  customers.  It  is  chiefly  used  in  reference  to  country 
6* 


58 


THE  PERILS  OF  PEARL  STREET. 


merchants,  or  those  supposed  to  be  such.  Instead  of 
patiently  waiting  for  these  persons  to  come  and  purchase, 
the  merchant,  or  his  clerk,  goes  to  them  and  solicits  their 
custom.  In  this  manner  the  sale  of  goods  is  often  expe- 
dited ; and  though  the  practice  of  drumming  is  held  by 
some  to  be  neither  very  modest  nor  very  dignified,  still 
it  must  be  owned  to  add  pretty  largely,  in  certain  cases, 
to  the  account  of  goods  sold.  Indeed,  without  drum- 
ming, it  is  greatly  suspected  that  sundry  houses,  which 
make  a remarkable  show  and  noise,  would  do  very  little 
business  ; and  this  for  various  reasons,  the  principal  of 
which  are,  first,  that  they  have  seldom  any  great  variety 
of  goods ; secondly,  that  those  which  they  haye  are  rarely 
of  the  first  quality  ; thirdly,  that  the  price,  however  much 
the  drummers  may  boast  of  their  cheapness,  is,  for  the 
most  part,  actually  beyond  the  value  ; and  fourthly,  that 
merchants,  who  resort  to  these  means  for  selling  their 
goods,  are  apt  to  be  considered  as  very  slippery  fellows. 

Such  are  some  of  the  reasons  which  render  the  prac- 
tice of  drumming  necessary,  in  certain  houses,  in  order 
to  secure  a tolerable  share  of  business.  But  if  the  char- 
acter of  these  houses  is  not  of  the  first  degree  of  respecta- 
bility ; neither  is  the  custom,  which  they  obtain  by  drum- 
ming, in  general  of  the  best  kind.  It  consists  chiefly  of 
the  younger  class  of  country  merchants,  who  have  not 
had  time  to  acquire  property,  who  have  no  money  to  pay 


THE  PERILS  OF  PEARL  STREET.  59 

for  goods,  and  who,  in  due  time,  all  things  considered, 
may  be  expected  to  fail ; or  otherwise  it  consists  of  that 
class  of  country  dealers,  who  have  been  in  business  long 
enough  to  fail  several  times,  or  whose  credit,  for  some 
other  reason,  is  not  very  highly  esteemed  in  Pearl  street. 
Those,  who  are  well  established  in  business,  or  those 
who  have  the  money  in  their  pockets,  are  not  likely,  for 
very  obvious  reasons,  to  become  the  prey  of  drummers. 
They  can  go  to  the  most  respectable  houses  and  pur- 
chase— the  first,  because  they  are  old  customers,  and 
their  credit  is  undoubted ; the  second,  because  they  have 
the  wherewithal  to  purchase  the  best  of  goods,  and  at 
the  lowest  rates. 

All  things  considered,  it  is  not  perhaps  surprising  that 
the  drumming  merchant  should  fail ; and  that  his  coun- 
try customers  should  fail  likewise.  The  truth  is;  they 
mutually  affect  each  other.  The  country  merchant, 
having  purchased  inferior  goods  at  a high  price,  cannot 
sell  them  above  the  first  cost ; or,  if  he  does  put  a profit 
on  them,  it  is  to  such  persons  as  seldom  pay  for  their 
goods.  The  natural  consequence  is,  that  the  country 
dealer  fails.  The  city  dealer,  depending  on  the  country 
one,  fails  also.  And  there  is  an  end  of  the  drumming 
merchant. 

But  the  goods,  which  the  country  dealer  cannot  pa^ 
for,  are  not  his  only  loss.  His  expenses  of  drumming 


m 


THE  PERILS  OF  PEARL  STREET. 


have  amounted  to  no  small  sum.  Besides  employing 
extra  clerks  and  paying  the  extra  price  for  their  board  at 
the  hotels,  he  has  been  very  liberal  of  his  money  in  pay- 
ing for  wine,  oyster-suppers,  theatre-tickets,  and  such 
other  means  of  conciliating  the  favor  of  the  country  mer- 
chant, as  are  usually  resorted  to  by  drummers.  He  has 
laid  out  this  money  in  expectation  of  getting  it  back  sun- 
dry fold,  by  the  profits  he  expects  to  derive  from  his  coun- 
try dupe.  Poor  fool ! in  duping  the  rustic  trader,  he 
has  duped  himself.  He  has  thrown  away  his  drumming- 
money  for  nothing,  and  his  goods  into  the  bargain. 

It  does  not  necessarily  follow,  however,  that  those 
who  are  drummed  into  the  purchase  of  goods,  will  in  all 
cases  fail  to  pay  for  them.  There  are  certainly  many 
instances  to  the  contrary.  Nor  does  it  necessarily  fol- 
low, that  the  merchant,  who  drums  for  customers,  will 
break  in  consequence  thereof.  On  the  contrary,  there 
may,  for  aught  I know,  be  instances  of  such  persons 
surmounting  all  the  difficulties  of  their  situation,  and  be- 
coming wealthy  in  the  end.  But  what  I would  chiefly 
observe,  is,  that  the  general  tendency  of  the  drumming 
system  is,  to  an  unfortunate  result*  both  to  the  drummer 
and  the  drummee. 

Contemptible,  however,  as  the  practice  is,  and  unfor- 
tunate as  the  system  may  in  general  prove,  it  requires, 
some  little  ingenuity  and  tact  to  become  a good  drum- 


THE  PERILS  OP  PEARL  STREET. 


61 


mer.  Besides  possessing  a neck  that  will  bow,  a back 
that  will  bend,  and  a tongue  that  will  flatter,  the  drum- 
mer must  exercise  a tolerable  share  of  discrimination. 
He  must  be  able  to  select  his  men.  He  must  know 
how  to  distinguish  a countryman  from  an  inhabitant  of 
the  city,  and  a country  merchant  from  a farmer,  a me- 
chanic, or  professional  gentleman.  A nd  when  he  has 
done  so,  he  must  be  able  to  give  a pretty  shrewd  guess  at 
least,  whether  he  can  make  any  thing  out  of  his  man 
when  selected.  Whether  he  is  of  the  right  material  to 
be  moulded  into  the  proper  shape  ; or  whether,  like  the 
adamant,  he  is  too  hard  to  receive  any  impression. 

It  is  not  my  intention  to  enumerate  all  the  circumstan- 
ces which  may  render  a man  a fit  subject  for  a drumming* 
operation.  His  countenance,  his  manners,  and  his  lan- 
guage may  no  doubt  afford  some  criterion  to  those  who 
are  conversant  in  such  matters.  Perhaps  by  these  the 
countryman  may  be  distinguished  from  the  citizen  ; but 
the  most  obvious  distinction  is  apt  to  arise  from  the  cir- 
cumstance of  dress.  The  fashion  of  the  country  is  usu- 
ally a long  way  behind  that  of  the  city.  The  people 
fret,  scold,  and  rail  at  the  new  mode  of  dress  ; but  are 
sure  to  adopt  it  in  the  end,  and  generally  after  it  has 
fairly  left  the  city.  Hence  they  may  generally  be  told 
by  the  cut  of  their  clothes,  which,  in  the  eyes  of  the  city 
blades,  has  become  altogether  antiquated. 


62  THE  PERILS  OF  PEARL  STREET 

For  instance,  now  that  I am  writing,  in  the  year  1833, 
man/  a country  merchant  may  be  seen  in  Pearl  street, 
and  elsewhere  in  the  city,  whose  pantaloons  were  all  the 
mode  ten  years  ago — being  the  good  and  comfortable 
fashion  of  large  seats,  plaited  fronts,  and  legs  tapering 
towards  the  bottom,  agreeably  to  the  shape  of  most 
men’s  supporters.  And  then  again  they  look  remarkably 
well-saved,  as  if  they  were  merely  worn  to  church  on 
Sunday  ; and  being  taken  off  as  soon  as  the  wearer  had 
got  home,  were  carefully  brushed  and  laid  in  the  chest, 
only  to  be  worn  again  on  the  next  Lord’s  day. 

A gentleman,  with  such  inexpressibles,  would  bo  in- 
stantly known  for  a countryman.  But  such  gentlemen 
are  not  always  food  for  drummers.  The  man,  who 
makes  a suit  of  clothes  last  six  or  eight  years,  is  generally 
one  who  pays  promptly  for  what  he  purchases,  whether 
it  be  houses,  lands,  or  merchandize.  Nevertheless  the 
thorough-going  drummer  no  sooner  casts  his  eye  upon 
a pair  of  those  pantaloons,  with  the  roomy  seat,  the 
plaited  front,  and  the  tapering  legs,  than  he  forthwith 
pounces  upon  the  wearer,  as  if  he  were  determined  to 
make  sure  game  of  the  careful,  saving  countryman. 

It  is  amusing,  on  some  such  occasion,  to  see  the  dis- 
comfitted  drummer  drawing  off  like  a wounded  hawk, 
who  having  made  a swoop  upon  a stout  barn-yard  fowl, 
has  been  defeated  and  driven  off  with  shame.  Thorough- 


THE  PERILS  OF  PEARL  STREET.  63 

bred  drummers,  however,  are  happily  wanting  in  this 
last  commodity  ; and  though  they  meet  with  many  a hard 
rebuff,  they  turn  directly  to  some  new  game,  which  they 
attack  with  unabated  vigor. 


THE  PERILS  OF  PEARL  STREET. 


65 


\ 


CHAPTER  IX. 

Containing  sundry  specimens  of  the  art  of  drumming. 

Messrs.  Smirk,  Quirk  & Co.  were  allowed  to  be  the 
greatest  drummers  in  all  Pearl  street.  They  were  hand 
and  glove  with  various  hotel  keepers,  from  whom  they 
obtained  information  of  the  name,  residence,  occupation, 
and  so  forth,  of  their  various  guests — a species  of  infor- 
mation which  was  of  essential  service  to  them  in  their 
drumming  operations ; while  they,  in  their  turn,  aided 
the  hotel  keepers  by  bringing  custom  to  their  houses. 

Though,  as  I have  already  hinted,  the  firm  of  Smirk, 
Quirk  & Co.  were  assisted  in  their  drumming  opera- 
tions by  sundry  clerks,  it  must  be  owned  that  none  of 
them  could  equal  Mr.  Smirk  himself  in  real  acute,  un- 
daunted, persevering,  and  indefatigable  drumming.  With 
all  this  talent,  however,  he  could  not  always  succeed  to 
his  wishes.  Indeed  it  is  not  in  the  power  of  the  greatest 
talent,  at  all  times  to  command  success. 

Many  very  amusing,  and  some  rather  ludicrous 
scenes  might  be  painted,  of  the  drumming  operations  of 
7 


66 


THE  PERILS  OF  PEARL  STREET. 


certain  merchants  in  Pearl  street.  Of  those  wherein 
Master  Smirk  was  concerned  I will  endeavour  to  give 
one  or  two,  as  I have  heard  them  described  by  a friend 
of  mine,  who  happened  to  he  present  on  the  occasion. 

The  scene  is  a hotel,  where  there  are  present  several 
city  merchants  and  clerks;  also  sundry  gentlemen,  sus- 
pected to  be  country  merchants. 

Smirk.  [Bowing  genteelly  to  a stout  looking  stran- 
ger.] Ahem ! I understand — ahem ! your  name  is — 

Is*.  Stranger.  Vanderspogle. 

Smirk.  Ah,  yes — Vanderspogle.  From  the  country 
I presume  ? 

1st.  Stranger.  Eheh! 

Smirk.  Come  to  purchase  goods  no  doubt  ? 

1 st.  Stranger.  [Turning  away.]  Umph! 

Smirk.  [Following  up.]  You’ll  \yant  an  assortment 
of  dry  goods,  I presume. 

Is2.  Stranger.  You’re  a presuming  blockhead. 

Smirk.  [Bowing?]  I beg  your  pardon,  sir ; my  bu- 
siness is  to  sell  goods.  I belong  to  the  firm  of  Smirk, 
Gtuirk  & Co.  We  keep  the  best  articles,  in  our  line,  in 
all  the  city  of  New- York. 

1 st.  Stranger.  Well,  you  are  at  liberty  to  keep  them, 
so  far  as  3/m  concerned. 

Smirk.  Shall  be  happy  to  accommodate  you  on  the 
lowest  terms. 

1 si.  Stranger.  You’re  too  low  for  me. 


THE  PERILS  OF  PEARL  STREET. 


67 


Smirk.  Too  low! — Ah,  sir,  you’re  joking  now. 
Surely  every  body  likes  to  buy  goods  as  cheap  as  they 
can,  I hope  you’ll  call — 

1st.  Stranger.  If  I were  to  call  you  any  thing,  it 
would  be — 

Smirk.  Smirk,  sir ; my  name  is  Smirk,  of  the  firm 
of  Smirk,  Quirk  & Co.,  No. Pearl  street. 

Is/.  Stranger.  Whom  do  you  take  me  for? 

Smirk.  Begging  your  pardon,  sir^I  took  you  for  a 
country  merchant. 

Is/.  Stranger.  Well,  sir,  If  I am,  I know  where  to 
look  for  goods  myself,  and  want  none  of  your  contempti- 
ble tricks  to  draw  me  into  a bargain. 

Thus  saying  the  bluff  stranger  turned  his  back  short 
upon  Master  Smirk,  and  left  the  room.  The  drummer, 
being  thus  put  to  a non  plus,  stood  for  a moment  or  two 
like  one  astounded : when  recovering  himself  with  ad- 
mirable tact,  he  began  to  look  about  for  some  other  per- 
son on  whom  to  exercise  his  skill.  He  pretty  soon 
espied  a countrified  looking  fellow ; and  approaching 
him,  with  the  usual  quota  of  bows  and  smiles,  he  began 
the  following  dialogue. 

Smirk.  Fine  morning  this,  sir. 

2d.  Stranger.  Why,  yes  sir,  considerably  so. 

Smirk.  [Aside.]  He’s  my  man — I’ll  fasten  him. — 
Ahem ! sir — from  the  country  I presume  ? Come  to 
purchase  goods  no  doubt? 


68 


THE  PERILS  OF  PEARL  STREET. 


2d.  Stranger.  Why,  yes  sir,  that’s  my  principal  ob- 
ject in  coming  to  the  city. 

Smirk.  My  name  is  Smirk,  of  the  house  of  Smirk, 
Quirk  & Co.,  a very  celebrated  establishment  in  the  dry- 
goods  line — I think  I may  say  the  most  so  of  any  house 
in  Pearl  street. 

2d.  Stranger.  1 dare  say  it  is,  though  I never  heard 
of  it  before. 

Smirk.  Is  it  possible!  Well,  never  mind,  I shall  be 
happy  to  make  you  acquainted  with  it  now. 

2d.  Stranger.  Thank  you,  sir — you’re  very  kind. 

Smirk.  Oh,  sir,  we  like  to  pay  attention  to  stran- 
gers. Our  store  is  at  No. Pearl  street.  Here  is 

our  card.  I hav’nt  the  pleasure  of  knowing  your  name, 
but — 

2d.  Stranger.  My  name  is  Lookabout,  for  want  of  a 
better. 

Smirk.  A better  ! Oh,  sir,  it’s  impossible  to  have  a 
better  : and  while  you’re  looking  about,  I hope  you’ll 
give  us  a call.  You’ll  want  dry  goods,  of  course;  and 
I’ll  be  bound  to  say  you  can’t  do  better  than  to  deal 
with  us. 

2d.  Stranger.  Why  I don’t  know  how  that  is.  For 
my  part,  I’m  just  setting  up  in  the  world  as  it  were,  and 
shan’t  purchase  my  goods  until  I’ve  looked  about  to  see 
where  I can  get  them  cheapest. 

Smirk.  That’s  right — perfectly  right — I see  you’re 


THE  PERILS  OF  PEARL  STREET. 


69 


a sharp  one,  and  I like  you  the  better  for  it.  Y ou’re  just 
the  man  I like  to  deal  with,  because  I’m  certain  I can 
give  you  a bargain  you’ll  be  pleased  with.  Rely  upon  it, 
sir,  you  can’t  do  better  than  to  trade  with  us. 

2d.  Stranger.  Why  there  it  is  now — every  mer- 
chant I suppose  will  say  just  the  same — and  who  am  I 
to  believe  ? 

Smirk.  Us,  by  all  me-ans,  Mr.  Lookabout.  You’ll 
never  find  the  house  of  Smirk,  Quirk  & Co.  otherwise 
than  just  the  thing. 

2d.  Stranger.  What  thing  ? 

Smirk.  A — a — a— the — why,  sir — I mean,  sir,  a— - 
a — just  what  we  are. 

2d.  Stranger.  Why,  if  that’s  the  case,  then  to  be 
sure — 

Smirk.  That’s  exactly  the  case,  I assure  you.  A — 
a — by  the  by,  do  you  ever  go  to  the  Theatre  ? 

2d.  Stranger.  I never  have  been  yet — but  I thought 
I should  before  I left'  the  city. 

Smirk.  By  all  means.  I shall  be  happy  to  treat 
you  to  a ticket  this  evening. 

2d.  Stranger.  I’m  obliged  to  you*  sir — very  much 
obliged  to  you.  I thought  I should  go  to  the  Museum 
too. 

Smirk.  I shall  be  most  happy  to  furnish  you  with  a 
ticket  there  likewise. 

2d.  Stranger.  I’m  very  much  obliged  to  you — 
7 * 


70  THE  PERILS  OF  PEARL  STREET. 

you’re  very  kind.  I thought  I should  go  to  see  the 
caravan  of  living  beasts,  and  all  the  wonderful  sights, 
before  I left  the  city. 

Smirk.  By  all  means,  Mr.  Lookabout.  It  shan’t  cost 
you  a farthing.  I do  hope  you’ll  do  us  the  pleasure  to 
call — our  No.  you’ll  recollect — 

2d.  Stranger.  Why,  yes  sir,  I believe  its  here  on 
this  card. 

Smirk.  So  it  is — I’d  forgot.  Don’t  fail  to  call,  sir. 
You’ll  excuse  me  now — I’m  so  much  engaged — busi- 
ness presses  so  hard — good  morning,  Mr.  Lookabout. 
[Exit. 

2d.  Stranger.  Good  morning,  Mr.  Smirk. — Ha,  ha, 
ha ! now  I dare  say  he  think’s  he’s  got  me.  But  I’m  not 
so  easily  caught.  I’ll  go  to  the  Theatre,  to  he  sure, 
and  the  Museum,  and  any  other  place  he’ll  invite  me  to, 
so  long  as  it  costs  me  nothing.  But  as  to  buying  goods, 
I’ll  get  them  where  I please. 

In  this  case  poor  Smirk  was  fairly  deceived  in  his 
man.  I well  recollect  his  coming  to  the  store  in  high 
glee — boast  jng  of  the  Johnny  Raw  he  had  caught,  and 
the  money  he  calculated  to  make  out  of  him.  But  his 
glee  was  turned  into  chagrin,  when,  after  treating  him 
to  the  Theatre,  Museum,  and  various  other  amusements ; 
his  Johnny  Raw,  as  he  called  him,  purchased  his  goods 
at  another  house. 


THE  PERILS  OF  PEARL  STREET. 


71 


It  is  a part  of  the  system  of  mercantile  drumming,  to 
“ become  all  things  to  all  men,  in  order  to  gain  some.” 
But  the  sum  of  what  is  aimed  at,  is  a sum  of  money. 
Drummers  are  apt  to  he  exceedingly  flexible  in  matters 
of  religion — ay,  and  of  morals  too — being  orthodox  with 
the  orthodox,  and  heterodox  with  the  heterodox ; attend- 
ing the  church  pvith  those  who  incline  churchward,  and 
going  to  the  theatre  with  those  who  prefer  the  theatre ; 
taking  cold  water  with  those  who  are  opposed  to  bran- 
dy, and  drinking  brandy  with  those  who  eschew  cold 
water. 

Jacob  Van  Rant,  a character  well  known  in  Pearl 
street,  was  one  of  these  accommodating  drummers.  I 
will  give  a scene  in  proof.  Meeting,  one  morning, 
with  our  honest  friend  Lookabout,  he  commenced,  as 
follows : 

Van  Rant.  Good  morning,  Mr.  Lookabout. 

Look.  Good  morning,  sir.  But  you  have  the  ad- 
vantage of  me. 

Van  Rant.  [Aside.]  I intend  to  have  before  we  part. — * 
The  advantage  of  you  ! how  so  ? 

Look.  Why  you  seem  to  know  me,  and  I don’t  seem 
to  know  you. 

Van  Rant.  Every  thing  is  not  as  it  seems,  you 
know,  friend  Lookabout.  There  is  a great  deal  of 
seeming  piety,  for  instance,  which  is  nothing  but  mere 
rottenness  and  hypocrisy  at  bottom ; and  a great  deal 


72 


THE  PERILS  OF  PEARL  STREET. 


seeming  honesty  and  fair-dealing,  which  is  merely  a 
cloak  for  roguery.  Don’t  you  find  it  so,  friend  Look- 
about. 

Look.  Why,  perhaps  I shall,  now  I’ve  come  to 
New- York ; though  the  people  in  the  back  settlements, 
where  I come  from,  are  in  the  main  pretty  honest  ’spon- 
sible sort  of  men.  % 

Van  Rant.  No  doubt  of  it  in  the  world.  It’s  the 
people  of  this,  ungodly  city  I meant  to  warn  you  against. 
[Groaning.]  There  are  a great  many  rogues,  I grieve 
to  say  it,  in  Pearl  streetr— a great  many  persons,  who, 
while  they  sell  goods  and  merchandize  by  wholesale, 
also  cheat  and  deceive  by  wholesale. 

Look.  I’m  much  obliged  to  you  for  the  information. 
But  how  shall  a body  know  when  they  meet  with  these 
ungodly  rogues  ? 

Van  Rant.  AVhy,look  at  me  now.  My  name  is 
Jacob  Van  Rant.  I profess  to  be  an  honest  man. 

Look.  Well,  don’t  the  others  do  the  same? 

Van  Rant.  Ah!  there’s  wherein  they  deceive,  sir. 
Profession — mere  profession.  They  are  at  heart  the 
very  children  of  the  Evil  One.  I thought  it  proper  to 
say  this  much  to  you  in  a friendly  way,  so  that  you 
need’nt  be  taken  in— -knowing  you  to  be,  in  a great 
measure,  a stranger  here.  Now  at  my  store  I profess 
to  deal  in  the  fear  of  God.  For  instance,  I give  one 


THE  PERILS  OF  PEARL  STREET. 


73 


half  of  all  my  profits  in  trade  to  certain  devout  and 
charitable  purposes — such  as  the  endowment  of — 

Look.  All ! then  you’re  the  great  Mr.  Van  Rant,  that 
I’ve  heard  so  much  about,  are  you  ? 

Van  Rant.  Not  great — oh  no,  by  no  means.  Hea- 
ven forbid  that  I should  be  called  great.  I’ve  done  some 
good  in  my  time,  to  be  sure ; and  I deal  very  largely 
in  French  goods.  But  my  time  is  precious — I hope 
you’ll  call  at  my  store.  I feel  a friendly  yearning  to- 
wards you;  and  shall  be  happy  to  keep  you  out  of  the 
clutches  of  those  who  are  ready  to  clutch  you — and 
many  such  there  are  in  Pearl  street.  I scorn  to  speak 
ill  of  my  neighbors — “ my  kinsmen  after  the  flesh” — but 
my  duty  cempels  me.  I have  a most  extensive  assort- 
ment of  French  goods,  and  shall  be  happy  to.suppl}r  you 
with  any  thing  in  my  line. 

Look.  I dare  say  you  would,  Mr.  Van  Ranter.  And 
you’re  not  the  first  person  that’s  given  me  the  same 
invitation.  Every  merchant  in  New- York  seems  to  be 
looking  after  my  custom.  Strange  what  stories  people 
will  tell ! I used  to  hear,  before  ever  I came  to  the 
city,  that  the  people  were  as  proud  as  the  nation ; and 
that  they  would’ nt  speak  to  a man  from  the  country, 
unless  ’twas  the  Patroon,  or  the  Governor,  or  some  such 
big  bug.  But  I find  ’tis  no  such  thing.  For  my  part, 

I never  experienced  so  much  attention  in  all  my  life,  as 
I have  since  I come  to  New- York.  Every  body  bids 


74 


THE  PERILS  OF  PEARL  STREET. 


me,  Good  morning,  Mr.  Lookabout.  How  do  you  do, 
Mr.  Lookabout  ? I hope  you’re  well,  Mr.  Lookabout. 

I shall  be  happy  to  see  you  at  my  store,  Mr.  Lookabout. 
And  they  all  want  to  trade  with  me.  Every  one  sells 
cheaper  than  the  rest ; and  every  man  has  better  goods 
than  his  neighbor.  I verily  believe,  if  I stay  a while 
longer,  I can  get  goods  for  nothing — and  on  two  years’ 
credit.  I must  say,  as  far  as  I’m  acquainted  with  ’em, 
the  people  of  New- York — I mean  the  wholesale  mer- 
chants— are  the  politest  and  most  accommodating  gen- 
tlemen I ever  saw  in  my  life.  As  fine  as  they  look,  and 
genteel  as  they  are  drest,  they  are  quite  condescending. 
They  don’t  seem  to  be  in  the  least  ashamed  to  be  seen 
talking  to  a country -looking  man,  or  walking  in  the 
streets  with  him  either.  They  slip  their  arm  into  mine, 
as  familiar  as  though  we’d  been  acquainted  all  our  life- 
time ; and  they  walk  up  and  down  the  streets  with  me ; 
and  they  take  me  to  church  on  Sunday  ; and — 

Van  Rant.  What  church  do  you  attend,  Mr.  Look- 
about ? 

Look.  Why,  that’s  just  as  it  happens,  Mr.  Ranter. 
Sometimes  I go  to  the  Middle  Dutch,  sometimes  to  Tri- 
nity, and  sometimes — 

Van  Rant.  I hope  you’ll  go  to  our  meeting  this  even- 
ing. Dr.  Rend-the-air  is  to  preach.  I shall  be  happy 
to  attend  you,  at  half-past  seven. 


THE  PERILS  OF  PEARL  STREET.  75 

hook.  I’m  much  obliged  to  you,  Mr. 

Van  Rani.  Not  at  all,  Mr.  Lookabout.  I consider 
it  my  duty  to  lead  strangers  in  the  right  way — especially 
youngerly  men  like  you,  who,  however  piously  inclined, 
are  beset  with  a thousand  snares  and  temptations  in  an 
ungodly  city  like  this;  and  unless  they  have  some  con- 
-scientious  person  to  take  them  by  the  hand,  and  lead  them 
in  the  right  way,  may  wander  like  lost  sheep,  and  finally 
fall  into  the  hands  of  the  Evil  One,  or  some  other  whole- 
sale dealer  in  precious  souls. 

Look.  I’m  much  obliged  to  you,  as  I was  saying — - 

Van  Rant.  Not  in  the  least,  Mr.  Lookabout.  I take 
a delight  in  doing  good  in  general ; besides,  I feel  parti- 
cularly interested  in  your  welfare.  There  is  something 
in  your  countenance  which  powerfully  reminds  me  that 
you  are  cut  out  for  good — and  it  would  be  a thousand 
pities  if  you  should  come  to  evil,  and  all  for  want  of  some 
friendly  hand  to — 

Look.  I’m  much  obliged  to  you,  Mr.  Van  Ranter, 
very  much — 

Van  Rant.  Don’t  name  it,  my  dear  friend.  I take 
pleasure  in  doing  good  without  fee  or  reward.— Ah,  by 
the  by,  did  I give  you  my  card  ?- 

Look.  No  sir. 

Van  Rant.  Well,  never  mind.  I liav’nt  one  in  my 
pocket  now.  But  I keep  at  No- Pearl  street. 


76 


THE  PERILS  OF  PEARL  STREET. 


Look.  That’s  just  opposite  Smirk,  Quirk  & Co.’s. 

Van  Rant.  Opposite  in  every  sense  of  the  word,  my 
friend.  It’s  against  my  principles  to  speak  evil  of  my 
neighbors;  but  between  you  and  me,  Mr.  Lookabout, 
they’re  a most  profane  and  slippery  set.  They’ll  take 
you  in,  if  possible.  For  my  part,  I scorn  to  solicit 
any  man  to  purchase  my  goods,  but — hark ! the  clock  is 
striking  seven  now.  Will  you  go  with  me  to  hear  Dr. 
Rend-the-air. 

Look.  I cannot  possibly  this  evening,  for  I’m  just 
going  to  the  theatre. 

Van  Rant.  Oh  ! you  attend  the  theatre,  then,  do  you  ? 
I did’nt  know  that  before.  I really  thought  you  was  one 
of  those  sober  deaconish  fellows,  that  would’nt  be  caught 
in  a theatre  for  the  world : and  I always  like  to  accommo- 
date myself  to  the  morals  and  the  consciences  of  my 
friends.  I’m  very  glad  to  hear  you’re  fond  of  the  theatre  ; 
I’m  fond  of  it  myself,  though  I don’t  wish  it  to  be  gen- 
erally known  ; and,  now  I think  of  it,  I’ll  accompany 
you  there,  instead  of  going  to  hear  Dr.  Rend-the-air. 
Between  you  and  me,  I’d  rather  hear  old  Barnes. 

Look.  It’s  about  time  we  were  off. 

Van  Rant.  That’s  true,  faith.  Shall  I have  the 
honor  of  your  arm  ? [Exit,  with  Lookabout. 

Perhaps  the  most  laughable  scene  of  drumming  is  that 
wherein  one  city  merchant  attempts  to  drum  another,  as 


TtlE  PERILS  OF  PEARL  STREET. 


77 


sometimes  happens  through  mistake : for  so  eager  are 
certain  of  the  drumming  class,  that,  whenever  they  meet 
with  a stranger,  they  do  not  wait  to  ascertain  whether  he 
is  a country  merchant  or  not ; but,  taking  it  for  granted 
he  is  such,  forthwith  endeavor  to  gobble  him  up  before 
he  is  appropriated  by  any  of  their  fellow  drummers.  A 
friend  of  mine  was  once  attacked  in  this  manner,  by  a 
dealer  in  hardware  and  cutlery ; and  being  somewhat 
fond  of  a joke,  he  humored  the  mistake,  as  in  the  fol- 
lowing scene.  Having  lately  gone  to  board  at  a certain 
hotel,  much  infested  with  drummers,  he  was  accosted  by 
one  Simon  Sharp,  notorious  in  that  line. 

Sharp.  Very  hot  weather  to-day,  Mr.  Brown. 

Brown.  That  seems  to  be  the  common  opinion. 

Sharp.  Ahem  ! have  you  purchased  your  hardware 
and  cutlery  yet  ? 

Brown.  I,  sir? 

Sharp.  Yes  ; you’ll  want  those  things  of  course  in 
making  up  your  assortment. 

Brown.  [Aside.]  The  fellow  takes  me  for  a coun- 
try dealer.  Good  ! I’ll  smoke  him. — Ahem  ! sir,  how 
do  you  sell  iron  feather  beds  by  the  groce. 

Sharp.  Iron  feather  beds  ! I never  heard  of  such  a 
thing. 

Brown . No ! What  sort  of  a hardware  dealer  are  you 


78 


THE  PERILS  OF  PEARL  STREET 


that  never  heard  of  iron  feather  beds  ? Why,  sir,  they  are 
all  the  fashion  now  in  the  north  of  Europe. 

Shayp.  Are  they  indeed  ? Well,  if  that’s  the  case, 
I’ll  import  some  by  the  earliest  opportunity  : for  I make 
it  a point  to  keep  a perfect  assortment  in  my  line  of  bu- 
siness. I’m  sorry  I hav’nt  the  article  now ; but  any 
thing  else  you  can  name,  I believe,  I can  accommodate 
you  with  this  instant. 

Brown.  Have  you  any  steel  shirt  collars ? 

Sharp.  Steel  what  ? 

Brown.  Shirt  collars. 

Sharp.  You  must  be  joking  now,  Mr.  Brown,  I never 
heard  of  the  article  before  in  my  life. 

Brown.  Is  it  possible  ? 

Sharp.  Never  did. 

Brown.  You  probably  then  never  read  Captain  Long- 
tong’s  travels  in  Tartary,  where  the  greatest  gentry  have 
no  other  collars  to  their  shirts  but  steel? 

Sharp.  Can’t  say  I have.  My  time  is  so  taken  up 
with  a multiplicity  of  business,  that  I hav’nt  time  to  read 
any  thing  in  the  world,  except  it  may  be  a review  of  the 
market,  a price  current,  or  some  such  matter.  As  to  the 
articles  you  name,  I confess  I hav’nt  got  them ; but  any 
thing  else  you  can  mention  in  my  line,  I’ll  be  bound  I 
can  furnish  you  with. 


THE  PERILS  OF  PEARL  STREET. 


19 


Brown,.  Let  me  see — what  else  do  I want  ? 

Sharp.  Any  scissors,  penknives,  razors — 

Brown.  Razors!  heaven  forefend!  They’re  too 
sharp  for  me.  No,  1 was  trying  to  think  of  something 
which  I had  seen  or  heard  of  somewhere.  Let  me  see 
— ah,  I have  it  now.  Copper  hearth  rugs— have  you 
any  of  them  ? 

Sharp.  I’m  sure  you  must  be  quizzing  now,  Mr. 
Brown ! 

Brown.  Quizzing!  Oh,  no,  sir — I’m  a sober  man  of 
business,  and  don’t  deal  in  that  article  ; but  if  you  have 
any  of  the  goods  I have  named — 

Sharp.  Sorry  to  say  I have  not ; but  I’ll  write  to  my 
correspondent  in  Liverpool,  by  the  very  next  packet.  In 
the  mean  time  perhaps  you’ll  think  of  something  which  I 
have.  By  the  by,  when  do  you  leave  the  city  ? 

Brown.  I shall  not  leave  it  at  all. 

Sharp.  [Staring  with  surprise.]  Not  leave  it ! 

Brown.  No,  sir ; I do  business  in  the  dry-goods  line, 
at  No. Pearl  street. 

Sharp.  The  devil  you  do  ! I thought  I was  talking 
all  this  time  to  a country  merchant. 

Brown.  That’s  a mistake  you  drummers  are  very  apt 
to  fall  into.  You’re  so  eager  to  monopolize  all  the  bu- 
siness, that  you  don’t  wait  to  ascertain  whether  a man  is 
a country  merchant  or  not,  before  you  commence — 


80 


THE  PERILS  OF  PEARL  STREET 


Sharp.  I beg  your  pardon,  sir — I — 

Brown.  Not  at  all  ; so  far  as  regards  myself,  you 
are  a very  amusing  fellow ; and  if  you  will  only  keep 
an  assortment  of  iron  feather  beds,  steel  shirt  collars, 
and — 

Sharp.  Curse  your  iron  feather  beds  ! I won’t  be 
quizzed  any  longer.  [Exit,  somewhat  in  a passion,  and 
mightily  chop-fallen. 


THE  PERILS  OF  PEARL  STREET 


81 


CHAPTER  X 


In  which  the  reader  is  initiated  in  the  art  of  flying  the  kite,  and 
other  modes  of  raising  the  wind . 


Messrs.  Smirk,  Quirk  & Co.,  who,  like  many  other  of 
their  mercantile  brethren,  had  entered  into  business  with 
a credit  larger  than  their  capital,  began  to  be  in  very 
embarrassed  circumstances : and  to  meet  the  daily  de- 
mands for  money,  were  accustomed  to  resort  to  sundry 
of  the  various  shifts,  which  are  well  known  by  the  phrase 
of  RoAsing  the  Wind. 

Besides  the  very  common  one  of  shinning,  and  the 
not  very  uncommon  one  of  being  shaved,  they  had  fre- 
quent recourse  to  Flying  the  Kite.  The  meaning  of 
this  expression  is  well  known  in  Pearl  street ; but,  for 
the  sake  of  the  uninitiated,  I must  define  it  to  be,  a com- 
bination between  two  persons,  neither  of  whom  has  any 
funds  in  bank,  to  raise  money  by  an  exchange  of  checks. 
For  instance,  the  kite-flyer  takes  his  co-worker’s  check, 
say  upon  the  Tradesmen’s  Bank,  which  he  deposites  in 
8* 


82 


THE  PERILS  OF  PEARL  STREET 


the  Bank  of  America,  and  draws  the  cash : while,  on  the 
other  hand,  his  co-worker  takes  his  check  on  the  Bank 
of  America,  which  he  deposites  in  the  Tradesmen’s 
Bank,  and  in  like  manner  draws  the  cash — each  taking 
care  to  deposite  the  requisite  sum  to  meet  his  own  check, 
before  the  usual  Bank  exchanges  are  made  on  the  morn- 
ing of  the  next  day — in  default  of  which  the  manoeuvre 
would  be  exposed,  and  his  credit  very  much  impaired, 
if  not  entirely  broken. 

From  this  account,  the  reader  will  perceive  that  flying 
the  kite  is  rather  a perilous  adventure,  and  subjects  its 
votaries  to  no  little  risk  of  detection,  which  a man,  who 
values  his  credit  as  a sound  and  fair  dealer,  would  by  no 
means  he  fond  of  hazarding.  Nevertheless,  it  was  fre- 
quently done  by  the  house  of  Smirk,  Quirk  & Co.,  who, 
by  a singular  dexterity  and  good  fortune,  kept  up  a very 
considerable  show  for  some  time,  when  all  beneath  was 
perfectly  hollow. 

Another  method,  resorted  to  by  these  gentlemen  for 
sustaining  their  credit,  was,  the  Hypothecation  of  Stock. 
To  hypothecate,  means,  neither  more  or  less  than,  to 
pledge.  A man  may  hypothecate  goods,  notes,  bank 
stock,  and  whatever  else  belongs  to  him  ; and  he  can  do 
so  honorably,  because  they  are  his  own  property.  But 
my  employers  took  a different  and  a bolder  course.  They 
went  more  upon  speculation.  Indeed  they  had  little  re- 


THE  PERILS  OF  PEARL  STREET. 


<o 


maining  of  their  own  which  they  could  conveniently  hy- 
pothecate. They  purchased  goods  on  credit,  and  raised 
the  ready  money  by  pledging  them  for  as  much  as  they 
could  get;  which  of  course  would  generally  he  far  be- 
neath the  price  at  which  they  were  purchased.  But  this 
they  did  not  trouble  themselves  about  not  making  any 
particular  calculations  to  pay  the  purchase  money  for  the 
goods,  or  to  redeem  them.  These  things,  if  they  thought 
of  them  at  all,  they  left  to  the  contingencies  of  providence. 
Their  design  was,  by  hook  or  by  croo  n,  to  raise  the  wind. 
Which  way  it  should  blow,  and  what  should  be  the  ul- 
timate consequence,  they  did  not  trouble  themselves  to 
inquire.  It  was  an  expedient  of  to-day  ; and  to-morrow 
was  left  to  shift  for  itself. 

Thus  my  worthy  masters  went  on,  raising  the  wind  by 
one  expedient  or  other,  and  keeping  up  a show  of  busi- 
ness. But  they  could  not  continue  long.  The  house, 
that  has  no  foundation,  cannot  stain  Being  detected  in 
flying  the  kite,  that  expedient  now  iailed  them ; they 
could  no  longer  get  trusted  for  stock,  whereon  to. raise 
money  by  hypothecation.  Shinning  was  out  of  the  ques- 
tion : and  they  had  no  more  paper  to  be  shaved.  In  short, 
their  credit  was  gone,  and  they  Brut  up  shop.  The  fa- 
mous house  of  Smirk,  Quirk  & Go.  s.topt  payment.  They 
went  to  pieces. 


84 


THE  PERILS  OF  TEARL  STREET 


Such  a catastrophe  might  have  been  foreseen.  A 
drummed- up  custom,  as  I have  already  hinted,  is  suffi- 
cient to  ruin  any  house.  But  there  were  other  reasons 
which  helped  forward  my  masters.  They  lived  at 
rather  a fast  rate.  Smirk  was  married,  and  boarded 
himself  and  family  at  an  extravagant  price.  Quirk 
lived  in  equal  style,  and  besides  sported  a gig  and  tan- 
dem. And  the  third,  and  sole  remaining  partner,  did 
his  share  towards  spending  the  income  of  the  establish- 
ment. 

But  the  shock  of  failure  did  not  come  upon  them 
entirely  unawares.  They  were  in  some  measure  pre- 
pared for  it : and  when  it  did  come,  bore  it  with  true 
mercantile  resignation.  They  neither  shed  tears,  nor 
wore  weeper^.  Though  they  gave  sundry  washer- 
women, boot-blacks,  tailors,  clerks,  and  other  unfortu- 
nate persons,  cause  to  weep  for  them.  For  my  own 
part,  I was  so  fortunate  as  not  to  be  left  among  the 
creditors.  I had  not  the  faculty  of  pleasing  my  employ- 
ers. I made  very  awkward  work  at  drumming.  In 
my  several  attempts  that  way,  during  a stay  of  about 
four  months,  I do  not  recollect  to  have  secured  a single 
customer.  It  was  not  a business  to  my  liking.  I was 
entirely  out  of  my  element ; and  felt  all  the  while  like 
a fool.  I was  either  too  modest,  or  too  proud  ; I have 
not  exactly  settled  which. 


THE  PERILS  OF  PEARL  STREET.  85 

Indeed  I am  not  certain  but  I was  too  honest : for 
I repeatedly  caught  myself  telling  the  truth,  very  much 
in  opposition  to  my  masters’  wishes.  For  instance, 
when  soliciting  custom,  in  all  dutiful  compliance  with 
the  commands  of  my  superiors,  I was  naturally  inquired 
of  as  to  the  quality  of  the  merchandize  offered  ; and 
when  I was  expected  to  pronounce  it  unqualifiedly  of 
the  first  rate,  I have  frequently  caught  myself  in  saying 
- — “ Um ! I don’t  know — about  so  so — middling,  per- 
haps—or  thereabouts” — and  thus,  before  I thought  of  it, 
“ damning”  my  employers’  goods  “ with  faint  praise.” 
Was  such  a man — so  careless  of  letting  out  the  truth — 
fit  for  a drummer  ? I felt  that  I was  not,  and  m}/-  mas- 
ters felt  it  too.  They  declared  I would  be  the  ruin  of 
them — that  I had  no  more  sense  nor  conscience  than  to 
tell  the  truth.  And  so  Master  Smirk,  addressing  me 
one  day,  sometime  previous  to  their  failure,  said,  11  Mr, 
Hazard — ahem ! — I say,  Mr.  Hazard” — * 

“ Very  well,  sir,” 

“ Very  well,  sir  ! — do  you  call  it  very  well,  sir  % I 
say,  sir,  it  is  not  very  well.  Egad,  sir  ! and  by  gad, 
sir  ! you  don’t  answer  our  expectations.  We’re  disap- 
pointed in  you.  You  drum  so  d— * — d awkwardly, 
that — ahem ! — that”— 


86 


THE  PERILS  OF  PEARL  STREET 


“ Very  well,  sir.” 

“ I dismiss  you  at  once,  sir.” 

“ Thank  you,  sir  ” 

Mr.  Smirk,  while  the  fit  was  on  him,  paid  my  salary, 
of  which  I had  received  nothing  till  that  time ; and  I 
departed  to  seek  my  fortune  in  a different  employ. 

The  house  of  Smirk,  Quirk  & Co.,  as  I have  hint- 
ed, had  foreseen  their  failure,  and  got  prepared  for  it. 
Some  time  before  the  final  crash,  Peter  Funk  had  been 
very  busy  in  various  parts  of  the  store,  making  a false* 
show,  and  contriving,  as  well  as  possible,  to  keep  up 
appearances.  Every  exertion  was  at  the  same  time 
made  by  drumming  to  get  off  as  much  of  the  remaining 
stock  as  possible  ; to  get  such  paper  as  they  could  in  its 
room  ; and  to  get  that  paper  shaved  on  any  terms  they 
could  command.  As  much  stock  also,  as  could  be  ob- 
tained, was  purchased  for  hypothecation ; and  the  last 
flying  of  the  kite,  was  for  a higher  amount  than  usual. 
Putting  all  these  ways  and  means  together,  the  house 
of  Smirk,  Quirk  & Co.  did  not  fail  empty  handed. 
They  reserved  enough  to  dash  upon  for  two  or  three 
years.  The  contents  of  the  store  were  indeed  surren- 
dered to  their  creditors,  But  what  were  they?  Little 
else  was  to  be  found,  except  “ a beggarly  account  of 
empty  boxes,”  Even  Peter  Funk,  who  had  figured  so 


THE  PERILS  OF  PEARL  STREET. 


87 


largely  for  some  time  previous,  had  deserted  the  pre- 
mises. Whether  he  came  in  for  his  share  of  the  divid- 
end of  five  per  cent,  I never  could  learn. 


THE  PERILS  OF  PEARL  STREET. 


89 


CHAPTER  XL 


Wherein  are  certain  grave  matters  touching  the  intellectual 
character  of  clerks. 


My  dismission  from  the  employ  of  Messrs.  Smirk, 
Quirk  & Co.  was  for  me,  in  every  respect,  a fortunate 
circumstance.  Besides  getting  my  pay,  which  I should 
not  have  done  had  I continued  much  longer,  I very  soon 
got  into  better  employ  and  at  a much  higher  salary. 

I had  accidently  formed  an  acquaintance  with  John 
and  James  Steady,  of  the  firm  of  Steady  & Sons.  I think 
it  was  at  a meeting  of  the  Mercantile  Library  Associa- 
tion, while  these  young  men  were  yet  in  their  father’s 
establishment.  I had,  on  my  first  engagement  in  Broad- 
way, become  a member  of  that  Association,  where  I 
formed  an  acquaintance  with  many  respectable  young 
men,  some  of  whom  have  continued  my  fast  friends  ever 
since.  Among  these  were  the  two  sons  of  Thomas 
Steady,  who,  as  soon  as  I was  dismissed  from  the  em- 
9 


90 


THE  PERILS  OF  PEARL  STREET. 


ploy  of  Smirk,  Quirk  & Co.,  with  the  entire  approba- 
tion  of  their  father,  took  me  into  their  own. 

They  knew,  both  father  and  sons,  in  what  manner  I 
had  been  discharged  ; but  considering  by  whom,  and  for 
what  cause,  they  declared  they  esteemed  it  rather  a re- 
commendation than  otherwise.  The  elder  Steady,  in 
particular,  congratulated  me  on  my  escape  from  a mise- 
rable drumming  concern.  He  said,  that,  besides  taking 
a man  from  the  legitimate  duties  of  his  clerkship,  it  was 
apt  to  engender  bad  habits : to  beget  idleness,  imperti- 
nence,' and  a disregard  for  truth.  “ It  is,”  said  he,  “ a 
mistaken  notion  that  a man  must  lie,  flatter,  intrigue,  or 
practice  any  of  what  are  called  the  tricks  of  trade,  in 
order  to  make  his  way  in  the  world.  Besides  being 
dishonest  and  beneath  the  dignity  of  a man  of  sense,  it 
does  not  help  him  in  the  end.  He  may  proceed  more 
rapidly  at  first.  But  it  is  like  a man’s  rushing  headlong 
towards  a precipice : the  faster  he  goes,  the  sooner  he 
will  be  dashed  in  pieces.  Trade  cannot  long  be  forced. 
A patient  and  steady  perseverance,  a fair  and  honorable 
course  of  dealing,  will  ultimately  produce  the  best  re- 
sults. Yes,  young  man,  I consider  your  awkwardness 
and  want  of  tact  in  drumming,  rather  as  a recommenda- 
tion in  your  favor.  So  far  from  proving  that  you  are 
unfit  for  mercantile  pursuits,  it  seems  to  me  pretty  good 
evidence  that  you  are  the  better  fitted  for  the  proper 


THE  PERILS  OF  PEARL  STREET. 


91 


duties  of  your  station ; and  that  you  have  a sense  of  pro- 
priety, honesty,  and  independence,  which  give  dignity 
and  respectability  to  the  mercantile  character.” 

Mr.  Steady  was  also  pleased  to  commend  the  interest  I 
took  in  the  Mercantile  Library.  He  had  been  one  of 
the  first  to  encourage  this  useful  institution,  and  to  aid 
in  its  endowment.  He  entertained  a just  value  of  the 
importance  of  education  in  raising  the  character  of  the 
mercantile  community.  He  did  not  think,  like  many 
other  men  of  his  profession,  that  a mere  knowledge  of 
accounts,  a capacity  for  writing  a dashing  hand,  and  a 
sort  of  impudent  tact  at  puffery,  were  all  that  was  neces- 
sary to  form  an  accomplished  merchant.  Though  he 
insisted  on  a correct  knowledge  of  his  business  as  a 
first  requisite,  he  would  not  have  the  merchant  stop 
there ; he  would  not  have  him  be  content,  like  a blind 
horse  in  a mill,  to  be  forever  plodding  onward  in  the 
same  dull  round  of  employment,  without  ever  seeing  a 
step  before  him.  He  rightly  considered  that  it  was  no 
disparagement  to  any  man  to  know  something  beyond 
the  mere  routine  of  his  professional  duties ; and  that  a 
man,  whatever  his  occupation  might  be,  was  just  in  that 
degree  elevated  in  the  scale  of  respectability,  as  he  hap- 
pened to  be  imbued  with  general  knowledge. 

The  Mercantile  Library  Association,  he  saw,  would 
have  a tendency  to  elevate  the  character  of  clerks,  by 


92 


THE  PERILS  OF  PEARL  STREET. 


giving  them  a taste  for  reading  and  for  intellectual  pur- 
suits ; and  that,  instead  of  spending  their  leisure  hours 
in  the  frivolous,  and  perhaps  vicious  pastimes  into 
which  young  men  arc  too  prone  to  run,  they  would  em- 
ploy themselves  with  books  : and  thus,  while  their 
habits  of  sobriety,  virtue,  and  steady  application  were 
preserved,  they  could  not  fail  at  the  same  time  of  im- 
proving their  minds  in  a greater  or  less  degree. 

These  ideas  of  the  worthy  and  intelligent  merchant 
have  since  been  verified — nay,  perhaps  exceeded.  At 
the  time  I speak  of,  the  Institution  was  new,  and  per- 
haps the  advantages  now  enjoyed  by  the  young  men  of 
New- York — particularly  the  annual  lectures,  as  given 
at  Clinton  Hall — were  not  then  contemplated  by  the 
warmest  advocates  of  the  Association.  The  intellectual 
character  of  clerks,  within  the  last  dozen  years,  is 
decidedly  improved.  And  if  the  intellectual,  then  the 
moral : for  I take  it  to  be  an  acknowledged  truth,  that 
the  improvement  of  the  heart  generally  keeps  pace  with 
that  of  the  head ; and  that  the  more  intelligent  a com- 
munity is,  the  more  moral.  Need  I quote  the  enlight- 
ened city  of  Boston  ? need  I name  the  land  furnished 
with  schools  by  the  pilgrims  ? need  I mention  the  little 
towns  in  Massachusetts  and  Connecticut,  almost  every 
one  of  which  has  its  public  library?  In  a word,  need 
I speak  of  New  England  generally,  in  proof  of  the  pu- 
rifying influence  of  intellectual  improvement  ? 


THE  PERILS  OF  PEARL  STREET. 


93 


But  an  improvement  in  the  respectability  of  clerks, 
must  naturally  he  followed  by  a corresponding  improve- 
ment in  that  of  merchants ; who,  as  the  world  goes,  are 
generally  made  out  of  clerks.  And  if  any  gentleman, 
who  was  conversant  with  Pearl  street  a dozen  years 
ago,  will  take  the  trouble  to  examine  it  now,  he  will 
find  a more  intellectual  atmosphere ; he  will  find  that 
the  fogs  of  ignorance  have  very  much  dispersed,  and 
that  the  light  of  knowledge  now  gives  a brighter  and 
more  agreeable  aspect  to  the  scene. 

But  to  return  to  my  narrative.  My  situation,  as  the 
reader  will  naturally  conclude,  was  a very  eligible  one. 
I was  employed  by  one  of  the  most  respectable  houses 
in  the  city.  I was  diligently  employed  during  the 
hours  of  business;  but  I was  not  expected  to  solicit 
custom,  to  keep  watch  of  strangers  at  the  hotels,  nor  to 
spend  my  odd  hours  in  drumming,  as  I had  been  under 
my  late  employers.  I felt  this  to  be  a great  relief,  not 
only  because  I was  rid  of  a very  disagreeable  service,  but 
because  I had  leisure  to  cultivate  my  taste  for  reading 
and  improve  my  mind  with  useful  knowledge. 

The  house  of  Thomas  Steady  & Sons  was  famed  for 
its  accuracy  in  the  transaction  of  business,  as  well  as  for 
promptness  in  the  discharge  of  its  pecuniary  engage* 
ments ; so  that,  while  it  was  to  me  a sort  of  school  in 
mercantile  pursuits,  I ran  no  hazard  of  quitting  the  con- 

9* 


94 


THE  PERILS  OF  PEARL  STREET. 


cern  with  empty  pockets.  My  salary  was  now  a thou- 
sand dollars  per  annum ; and  my  money  was  punctually 
paid  once  a quarter. 

As  I have  before  said,  1 had  early  become  a member 
of  the  Mercantile  Library  Association.  I took  a parti- 
cular interest  in  this  establishment.  I punctually  at- 
tended all  its  meetings,  and  exerted  all  the  influence  I 
possessed  in  adding  to  and  improving  the  library.  I 
am  not  certain  but  I went  so  far  as  to  spout,  at  one  of  the 
meetings,  on  some  question  or  other.  At  any  rate,  I 
began  to  be  something  of  a man  among  the  leading 
clerks  of  the  Association — at  least  my  friends  assured  me 
I was,  and  I was  pretty  well  disposed  to  believe  them. 
They  insisted  on  running  me  for  Vice  President,  and  I 
felt  proud  of  the  idea  of  being  run — not  making  any 
calculation  whatever  of  being  run  down. 

Well,  the  election  came  on ; my  friends,  among  whom 
were  John  and  James  Steady,  were  active  and  respecta- 
able ; but  they  were  not  so  numerous  as  my  opponents ; 
and  so  I lost  my  election.  Some  of  my  flatterers  as- 
sured me  there  was  a “ malign  influence,”  operating 
against  me : otherwise  I could  not  have  failed  of  being 
chosen.  For  my  part,  I begged  they  would  not  trouble 
themselves,  nor  me,  further  on  the  subject.  I declared 
to  them  I was  perfectly  satisfied.  The  will  of  the  ma- 
jority was  fairly  expressed ; and  to  that,  both  they  and  I 


THE  PERILS  OF  PEARL  STREET. 


95 


were  bound  cheerfully  to  submit.  And  as  I expressed 
myself,  so  I acted.  I was  guided  throughout  by  the 
true  republican  principle,  that  office  was  only  to  be 
sought  for  the  good  of  the  whole ; and  that  if  I could 
not  serve  them  in  a public  capacity,  it  should  not  prevent 
me  from  doing  my  best  to  serve  them  in  a private  one. 


* 


THE  PERILS  OF  PEARL  STREET. 


97 


CHAPTER  XI L 


Wherein  the  hero  resolves  on  a perilous  adventure. 

I continued  two  years  with  Steady  & Sons ; and  I 
have  more  than  once  had  reason  to  repent,  that  I did 
not  continue  longer.  But,  like  many  other  young 
men,  I felt  an  itching  desire  to  rush  into  trade ; to  com- 
mence business  on  my  own  account.  I could  not 
endure  the  idea  of  clerking  it,  and  merely  laying  up 
the  moderate  sum  of  live  hundred  dollars  a year.  I 
wanted  to  grow  rich  apace.  And  then,  besides,  I was 
desirous  to  figure  as  principal,  instead  of  clerk. 

It  is  true,  I had  hut  a thousand  dollars  in  the  world, 
the  gains  of  my  two  years  with  Steady  & Sons.  But 
a fellow  clerk  of  mine,  smit  with  the  same  desire  of 
figuring  as  a merchant,  had  an  equal  sum.  We  pro- 
posed to  club  our  purses,  and  with  our  two  thousand 
dollars,  as  joint  stock,  commence  a wholesale  business. 
This  was  certainly  a very  moderate  capital ; hut  then 
we  calculated,  in  addition  thereto,  to  obtain  credit  for 
goods  to  the  amount  of  at  least  thirty  thousand  more. 


the  perils  of  pearl  street. 


This  would  enable  us  to  comence  business  on  a very 
respectable  footing,  though  not  a very  sure  one.  Never- 
theless many  a house  had  begun  the  world  with  less 
real  capital  than  even  two  thousand  dollars ; perhaps 
without  so  mucn  as  two  thousand  mills.  And  yet  they 
had  grown  rich ; at  least  we  had  heard  of  such  in- 
stances ; and,  indeed,  had  some  very  worthy  examples 
before  us,  then  in  Pearl  street.  And,  without  consider- 
ing the  numerous  contrary  examples,  we  thus  reasoned  : 
If  others  have  grown  rich  from  such  very  moderate  be- 
ginnings, why  may  not  we?  Fortune  is  the  same 
kind,  beneficent  goddess  that  she  ever  was.  She  has 
showered  wealth  with  an  unsparing  hand  into  the  laps 
of  others  ; why  may  she  not  into  ours  ? We  are  equally 
deserving  of  her  favors.  At  all  events,  we  will  court 
them. 

My  employers  were  still  desirous  of  retaining  me ; 
and  spoke  in  very  flattering  terms  of  my  capacity,  in- 
dustry, and  faithfulness.  The  elder  Steady  also — being 
more  cautions  through  age,  as  well  as  more  acquainted 
with  the  shoals  and  breakers  of  trade — set  before  me  the 
difficulties  I should  have  to  encounter ; the  wearisome 
days  and  the  sleepless  nights  I must  pass,  in  providing 
the  ways  and  means  to  support  the  credit  of  our  establish- 
ment. That  allowing  for  the  best,  we  had  nine  chances 
in  ten  for  a failure;  and  that  considering  the  fictitious 


THE  PERILS  OP  PEARL  STREET. 


99 


capital  on  which  we  chiefly  relied,  ten  chances  out  of 
ten  for  a failure,  were  nearer  the  mark. 

This  was  very  discouraging  language  ; and  much  as 
I esteemed  Mr.  Thomas  Steady  for  his  love  of  truth,  his 
kind  feelings,  and  his  friendship  towards  me,  I could 
not  help  suspecting — alas,  how  unjustly! — that  he  was 
actuated  in  some  measure  hy  a selfish  desire  of  retain- 
ing me  in  his  service.  I thanked  him  therefore  for  his 
friendly  remarks  ; hut  expressed  anew  my  determination 
of  commencing  business  on  my  own  account, 

“Well,”  said  the  old  gentleman,  “if  you  will  venture 
upon  the  perilous  ocean  of  trade,  and  in  so  frail  a hark  : 
all  I have  to  say,  is,  to  wish  you  a prosperous  voyage ; 
and  to  own  that  I admire  your  spirit  of  enterprise, 
though  I cannot  say  as  much  in  favor  of  your  prudence, 
What  I have  remarked  of  the  troubles  and  difficulties  of 
mercantile  life,  and  the  narrow  chances  of  success  after 
all  your  perils  and  hazards,  has  been  the  result  of  obser- 
vation and  experience  during  a long  course  of  trade. 
Though,  thanks  to  a kind  providence,  I have  thus  far 
been  able  to  weather  every  storm,  and  too  keep  my  head 
above  water ; I have  seen  so  many  others  sinking 
around  me,  that  I am  apt  to  consider  each  new  adven- 
turer as  one  more  candidate  for  shipwreck. 

“ But  an  old  man  is  apt  to  grow  cautious,  as  well  as 
garrulous ; and  since  you  are  resolved  on  your  course, 
I would  not  say  any  thing  which  may  damp  the  ardor 


100 


THE  PERILS  OF  PEARL  STREET. 


of  your  spirit.  I should  be  glad  to  have  retained  you 
longer  in  our  employ ; but  much  as  I esteem  your  ser- 
vices, my  remarks  have  not  been  dictated  in  a selfish 
spirit : and,  since  you  will  venture  forth,  again  I say.  go 
on  and  prosper.’’ 


THE  PERiLS  OF  PEARL  STREET. 


101 


CHAPTER  XIII. 

Which  shows  how  to  embark  in  a considerable  business,  with  an 
inconsiderable  capital. 

The  name  of  the  young  man,  with  whom  I was  about 
to  embark  in  trade,  was  Alfred  Launch.  He  had  been 
a clerk  in  the  same  employ  as  myself;  though  for  a 
somewhat  longer  period.  He  had  a year  or  two  more 
of  age  than  myself ; though  not  a whit  more  of  pru- 
dence. We  were  a couple  of  rash  block-heads.  But 
more  of  that  hereafter. 

We  took  a store  in  Pearl  street,  in  a very  tolerable 
location,  and  engaged  to  pay  a rent  of  one  thousand 
dollars.  We  got  in  a stock  of  dry-goods,  for  which  we 
paid  two  thousand  dollars  cash,  and  gave  our  notes,  pay- 
able in  six  months,  for  thirty  thousand  more.  We  en- 
gaged as  many  clerks  and  apprentices  as  we  thought 
necessary ; we  hoisted  a guild  ed  sign  over  our  door ; we 
advertised  in  two  of  the  morning  papers ; and,  in  a word, 
we  resolved  to  make  our  fortune. 

We  came  out  under  the  title  of  Launch  & Hazard, 


10 


102  THE  PERILS  OF  PEARL  STREET 

The  priority  of  place  was  given  to  the  name  of  my  ass 
sociate,  partly  on  account  of  his  superior  age,  and  partly 
for  the  sake  of  euphony.  Hazard  & Launch  would 
have  sounded  too  abrupt ; would  have  broken  off  too 
short.  It  would  not  ha  ve  “ run  trippingly  on  the  tongue,’  ’ 
like  Launch  & Hazard.  And  a well-sounding  title  is 
not  to  be  despised. 

Launch  & Hazard  then  was  the  name  of  the  new 
jobbing  house,  No.  — — Pearl  street.  I need  hardly 
inform  my  readers  that  wholesale  merchants  are  divided 
into  three  classes — to  wit,  Importers , Auctioneers,  and 
Jobbers . The  latter  purchase  of  the  two  former.  They 
buy  by  the  bale  or  package,  and  sell  by  the  piece.  They 
job  out  their  sales,  if  the  term  be  allowable.  Hence 
they  are  called  jobbers. 

There  have  been  at  times  a good  deal  of  jealousy  and 
dissension  between  the  jobbers  and  the  auctioneers. 
They  are  in  some  measure  rivals.  Both  sell  to  the  re- 
tail dealer  ; and  the  jobbers  complain  that  the  auctioneers 
injure  their  regular  business  by  selling  as  low  to  the 
country,  or  retail  merchant,  as  to  them.  The  auction- 
eers reply,  That  it  is  no  concern  of  ours;  it  is  our  bu- 
siness to  sell  our  goods,  and  find  purchasers  where  we 
can. 

Several  bitter  wars  have  sprung  up,  and  raged  for  a 
time,  both  by  word  and  newspaper,  between  these  two 
classes.  The  jobbers  swore  they  would  not  buy  of  the 


THE  PERILS  OF  PEARL  STREET. 


103 


auctioneers  at  any  rate,  and  entered  into  combinations 
for  that  purpose.  For  a while  they  carried  the  day  : 
but  the  knights  of  the  hammer  were  at  length  triumph- 
ant. Again  the  jobbers  combined,  and  resolved,  if  they 
must  purchase  of  the  auctioneers,  not  to  give  endorsed 
paper — not  to  trouble  themselves  to  find  security  for  the 
payment  of  their  notes ; but  merely  to  give  as  good  as 
they  got  from  their  own  customers.  And  herein  they 
were  too  many  for  the  auctioneers.  They  carried  the 
day ; and  have  maintained  it  ever  since. 

But  to  return  to  ourselves — viz.  Launch  & Hazard. 
We  commenced  business  under  very  fair  auspices ; if 
those,  who  begin  nearly  altogether  on  a fictitious  capi- 
tal, may  properly  be  said  so  to  commence.  By  fair  aus- 
pices I mean  that  no  malignant  star,  so  far  as  we  could 
discover,  hung  over  us.  Our  atmosphere  was  clear  and 
bright.  No  threatning cloud  “ lowered  upon  our  house.’1 
We  were  at  liberty  to  sell  as  many  goods  as  we  could 
find  purchasers  to  trust  withal.  And  nobody  had  a 
right  to  question  our  right  to  sell  to  whom  we  could. 

In  the  matter  of  gaining  customers,  we  felt  at  liberty 
to  make  use  of  all  fair  and  honorable  means.  But  for 
drumming,  we  resolved  unanimously,  that  whoever 
chose,  might  drum,  we  would  not.  The  dignity  of  the 
house  of  Launch  & Hazard  was  not  to  be  compromised 
by  so  low  a procedure.  It  could  not  descend  to  the 
petty  tricks  and  quackery  of  trade.  It  could  not  employ 


104 


THE  PERILS  OF  PEARL  STREET 


spies  and  scouts  to  beset  the  steam-boats,  the  hotels,  and 
the  boarding  houses — to  “go  out”  as  it  were  “into  the 
highways  and  hedges,  to  compel  buyers  to  come  in  ” 
No,  the  firm  of  Launch  & Hazard  would  pursue  a more 
fair,  honorable,  and  independent  course.  It  would  wel- 
come customers  to  its  doors ; but  it  would  not  run  about 
to  solicit  them. 

We  were  not  long  in  want  of  purchasers.  We  had, 
while  clerks,  made  some  acquaintance  among  the  custo- 
mers of  our  employers.  We  had  also  friends  and  ac- 
quaintances of  our  own  in  the  country  ; particularly,  in 
the  places  we  severally  came  from.  We  had  otherwise 
too,  in  the  course  of  our  various  social  relations,  made 
acquaintances  to  considerable  extent.  All  these  were  of 
use  to  us  in  the  way  of  business.  Some  purchased,  and 
others  recommended.  Some  bought  our  goods,  to  en- 
courage us,  because  we  were  enterprising  young  men. 
Others  purchased  our  goods,  out  of  good  will  to  our  per 
sons;  and  because,  in  the  Yankee  sense  of  the  term, 
they  knew  us  to  be  very  clever  fellows.  And  others 
again,  because  our  establishment  was  new,  and  there- 
fore they  took  it  for  granted  we  would  sell  cheap. 

In  short,  from  one  cause  or  other,  we  very  soon  had  a 
tolerable  run  of  custom.  We  did  as  much  as  some  of 
our  neighbors ; though  we  did  not  make  so  great  a show 
of  bales  and  boxes,  piled  before  our  door.  We  did  not 
wholly  block  up  the  side-walk,  so  that  passengers  must 


THE  PERILS  OF  PEARL  STREET. 


105 


per  force  come  into  our  shop,  or  turn  into  the  middle  of 
the  street,  as  many  others  that  I could  name,  were  in  the 
habit  of  doing.  We  did  not  proceed  on  the  principle  of 
force,  solicitation,  or  deception  We  emyloyed  no  trick 
whatever.  We  had  no  connexion  at  all  with  Peter 
Funk;  we  never  employed  him  in  any  way;  nor  allow 
ed  him  to  show  himself,  in  any  shape  Avhatever,  upon 
our  premises. 

The  little  rascal  may  have  owed  us  a grudge  for  this  ; 
for  though  he  is  considered  in  the  main  to  be  a pretty 
good  natured  fellow,  he  is  not  entirely  free  from  malice 
and  revenge ; and  his  opportunities  of  working  mischieh 
when  his  Protean  faculty  of  changing  shape  is  consid- 
ered, must  be  allowed  to  be  somewhat  formidable. 


10* 


* 


THE  PERILS  OF  PEARL  STREET, 


107 


CHAPTER  XIV 


Exhibiting  a certain  noted  character , at  an  auction  room , in  rather 
a ludicrous  pickle. 


Though  we  excluded  Peter  Funk  entirely  from  our 
own  premises  and  employ,  it  was  our  misfortune  fre- 
quently to  come  in  contact  with  him,  while  in  the  em- 
ploy of  others — particularly  at  the  auction  rooms.  As 
though  he  had  set  up  a determined  rivalry  against  us, 
he  seem  resolved  to  be  our  antagonist  in  the  purchase  of 
every  article  of  goods — at  least,  until  we  had  bid  consid- 
erably more  than  it  was  worth ; when  the  unconscion- 
able scoundrel  would  say,  “ I must  let  you  take  it,  I 
believe — I can’t  afford  to  give  any  more;”  and  then  he 
and  the  auctioneer,  giving  each  other  a knowing  wink, 
would  laugh  in  their  sleeves. 

As  the  purchasing  partner  of  our  concern,  it  fre- 
quently happened  to  me  to  meet  this  imp  of  deception. 
I could  no  sooner  fix  my  eye  on  a tolerable  piece  of 


108 


THE  PERILS  OF  PEARL  STREET. 


goods,  and  say  to  myself,  bidders  are  not  numerous  to- 
day— I shall  get  a bargain  ; than  up  would  step  Peter 
Funk,  and  begin  to  bid  against  me.  Sometimes,  when 
the  article  had  been  under  the  hammer  for  a consider- 
able time,  the  price  still  continuing  very  low,  and  the 
auctioneer  crying  out,  “ I can’t  dwell,  gentlemen,  I can’t 
dwell — it  must  go,”  seemed  on  the  very  point  of  knock- 
ing it  down  to  me ; Peter  Funk  all  at  once  would  rise, 
as  it  were  out  of  the  cellar,  and  commence  bidding ; and 
so  all  my  hopes  of  a bargain  would  at  once  be  blown  to 
the  moon. 

I recollect,  one  day,  when  I was  bidding  upon  some 
very  fine  broadcloth ; buyers  were  few,  bids  were  feeble, 
and  I seemed  to  be  on  the  very  point  of  getting  it  for  the 
low  price  of  twenty  shillings  per  yard.  The  auctioneer 
kept  bawling,  and  stamping,  and  hammering  away — 
“ Twenty  shillings,  once  ! twenty  shillings,  twice ! twen- 
ty shillings,  three” — 

Now,  thinks  I to  myself,  I’ve  got  the  start  of  Peter 
Funk.  He’s  not  here  to-day.  I’ll  have  the  goods  at 
my  own  price.  “ Come,  strike  them  off,”  said  I to  the 
auctioneer ; “ there’s  no  use  in  dwelling  so  long.” 

“ Twenty  shillings,  three” — the  auctioneer  had  got  his 
hammer  raised,  apparently  just  ready  to  strike ; when 
suddenly  glancing  about,  he  cried,  “Twenty-one! — do 
i hear  it  ?” 


THE  PERILS  OF  PEARL  STREET. 


109 


“ Ay,  I’ll  give  twenty-one,”  said  a voice,  which, 
though  it  sounded  strangely,  I suspected  to  he  no  other 
than  that  of  Peter  Funk. 

There’s  that  imp  of  mischief  again,  said  I to  myself ; 
however,  he  shall  not  have  the  goods  so  cheap  as  that 
comes  to  : and  so  I cried  out,  “ Twenty-two!” 

“ Twenty-three!”  said  the  voice. 

“ Twenty-four !”  said  I. 

“ Twenty-five!”  said  the  voice. 

“ Twenty-six!”  said  I. 

“ Twenty-seven!”  cried  the  voice. 

Twrenty-eight !”  exclaimed  I. 

“ Twenty-nine !”  shouted  the  voice. 

“ Thirty!”  added  I.  For  my  part,  I had  now  gone 
as  far  as  I intended ; not  hut  that  the  cloth  was  really 
worth  more  money;  but  I resolved  to  stop  there,  partly 
because  I knew  by  experience  that  there  was  little  use 
in  bidding  against  Peter,  and  partly  that  I might  have 
an  opportunity  of  knowing  what  my  antagonist  was 
made  of,  and,  if  I chose,  dispute  the  purchase  with  him. 

“ Thirty-one  !”  said  the  voice ; and  dwelling  for  some 
time,  the  auctioneer  cried,  “ Thirty-one  shillings,  three 
times ! John  Smith,  thirty-one  shillings— -takes  the 
whole  lot.” 

“ Who  takes  the  whole  lot  ?”  said  I. 

“ John  Smith,”  said  the  auctioneer, 

“I  doubt  it,  very  much,”  said  I 


no 


THE  PERILS  OF  PEARL  STREET- 


‘•  You  doubt  it!”  returned  the  auctioneer,  beginning 
to  grow  red  with  passion.  “ My  word  is  not  to  be  doubt- 
ed by  any  man ; and  I say  the  goods  are  struck  off  to 
John  Smith.” 

“ Alias  Peter  Funk,”  said  I,  looking  sharply  in  the 
face  of  the  auctioneer,  Avho  began  to  look  blank,  and 
hardly  knew  which  way  to  turn.  “ And  now,”  con- 
tinued I,  “let  this  Peter  Funk,  alias  John  Smith,  alias 
Tom  Jones,  or  any  other  alias  you  please,  come  for- 
ward and  show  his  face.  I wish  to  see  who  the  buyer 
is” 

“ I’ve  already  told  you,”  said  the  auctioneer.  “ If  you 
doubt  my  word — ” 

“ And  I’ve  already  told  you  I doubted  it,”  said  I. 

“ Come,  gentlemen,”  said  he,  “ let  us  go  on  with  the 
sale — here’s  another  sample  of — ” 

“No!  no!”  exclaimed  twenty  voices — “let  us  first 
see  who  John  Smith  is,  alias  Peter  Funk.” 

The  poor  auctioneer  now  began  to  be  in  trouble.  He 
had  not  been  careful  to  provide  a visible  substitute ; and 
he  now  began  to  look  imploringly  about  for  some  one  to 
step  forward,  as  John  Smith  the  purchaser.  I could 
perceive,  that  he  every  now  and  then  glanced  his  eyes 
furtively  at  a certain  large  box,  which  stood  near  him. 

“ What  have  you  in  that  box,”  said  I,  “Mr.  Knock?” 
for  that  was  the  name  of  the  auctioneer. 


THE  PERILS  OF  PEARL  STREET. 


Ill 


What  have  I ? why  goods,  to  be  sure.’5 

“ I did’nt  know  but  it  might  be  John  Smith,  alias  Peter 
Funk;” 

“ I’ll  bet  a dollar  it  is,”  said  one  of  the  crowd. 

“ I’ll  go  your  halves,”  said  another ; and  they  seemed  to 
be  making  their  way  towards  the  box,  as  if  to  examine 
its  contents. 

“ Come,  don’t  let  us  waste  time,  gentlemen,”  said  the 
auctioneer,  “ I certainly  thought  I heard  Mr.  Smith’s 
voice ; but  it  seems  I was  mistaken,  and  of  course  the 
goods  belong  to  Mr.  Hazard,  as  the  highest  bidder.” 
Then  looking  towards  the  clerk,  he  said,  “ Mr.  Hazard, 
thirty  shillings.” 

I was  content  with  my  purchase;  and  though  I 
shrewdly  suspected  that  Peter  Funk — the  villain  who 
had  made  me  pay  ten  shillings  per  yard  more  for  the 
goods  than  I should  otherwise  have  got  them  for — was 
concealed  in  the  large  box,  I had  no  design  to  trouble  my- 
self with  the  rascal,  or  further  expose  the  auctioneer 
Not  so,  however,  with  others  who  were  present — partic- 
ularly a number  of  stout  countrymen,  who  were  deter- 
mined  to  see  what  sort  of  a fellow  Peter  Funk  was. 

“ Come,  gentlemen,”  said  the  auctioneer,  looking  unea- 
sily at  the  suspicious  box,  “ here’s  another  fine  specimen 
of  broadcloth — much  superior  to  the  last — what’s  bid  ? 
Any  thing  you  please.  Is  three  dollars  bid?  Is  t«^nty 


112 


THE  PERILS  OF  PEARL  STREET. 


shillings  bid  ? Any  thing  you  please.  Two  dollars — - 
does  any  body  say  two  dollars  ?” 

“ No,”  said  one  of  the  countrymen,  “let  us  see  Peter 
Funk” 

“ Yes,”  said  another,  “ let  us  see  Peter  Funk — let  us 
know  what  kind  of  a looking  fellow  he  is.” 

With  that,  a number  of  them,  pressing  forward  to  the 
box,  tore  off  the  cover,  and  up  rose  the  very  fellow  they 
were  looking  for — the  identical  Peter  Funk.  He  look- 
ed prodigiously  foolish,  to  be  so  caught ; and  at  first, 
hardly  knew  which  way  to  turn  himself.  But  pretty 
soon  recovering  all  his  native  impudence,  he  tapped  his 
snuff-box  with  an  air  of  defiance,  took  a large  pinch,  and 
was  about  returning  it  to  his  breeches-pocket ; when  one 
of  his  persecutors,  snatching  the  box  out  of  his  hand, 
discharged  the  contents  in  the  little  fellow’s  eyes.  This 
was  only  the  signal  for  further  mischief.  They  now 
pulled  him  out  of  his  hiding  place,  blinded  as  he  was 
with  snuff,  and  hoisting  him  over  their  heads,  they 
passed  him  on  to  their  next  neighbors,  and  they  to  their 
next,  and  so  on,  a la  Tammany  Hall , until  he  was  finally 
landed  in  the  middle  of  the  street. 

Poor  Peter  Funk  ! he  picked  himself  up,  rubbed  the 
snuff  out  of  his  eyes,  brushed  the  dirt  from  his  unmen- 
tionables, and  disappeared  amidst  the  shouts  and  hoot- 


THE  PERILS  OF  PEARL  STREET. 


113 


ings  of  the  boys ; and  so  much  was  he  mortified  by  his 
sad  pickle,  or  so  much  were  his  eyes  inflamed  by  the 
snuff,  that  he  did  not  show  his  face  in  an  auction  room 
for  a whole  fortnight  afterwards. 


THE  PERILS  OF  PEARL  STREET. 


115 


CHAPTER  XV 

Containing  a peep  into  a bank , just  before  three. 

Six  months  soon  passed  over  the  house  of  Launch  & 
Hazard.  I say  soon,  because,  though  it  was  the  fuli 
half  of  three  hundred  and  sixty-five  days,  it  seemed  to 
he  of  exceedingly  short  duration — -scarcely  more  than  a 
winter’s  day. 

Time,  as  every  body  knows,  flies  swift  to  those  who  are 
interestingly  employed.  Both  those  who  are  immersed 
in  business,  and  those  who  are  immersed  in  pleasure, 
scarcely  note  the  period  of  his  duration.  But  there  is 
another  class  to  whom  time  flies  swift ; or,  as  Shaks- 
peare  says,  “ gallops  withal.”  I mean  those  who  are 
in  expectation  of  a certain  evil  day,  the  time  of  whose 
advent  is  fixed,  and  whose  coming  is  sure.  And,  not 
to  mention  those  who  are  going  to  the  gallows,  as  is 
done  by  honest  Motley  in  Shakspeare ; time  may  be 
said  to  gallop  withal — and  to  gallop  fast  enough — with  all 
such  as  have  notes  to  pay,  by  a specified  time — a day, 
an  hour,  a minute — and  know  not  where  to  get  the 


116 


THE  PERILS  OF  PEARL  STREET. 


money.  These,  though  they  are  in  no  danger  of  being 
literally  hung  for  a failure  of  prompt  payment,  are 
assured  nevertheless  that  it  will  prove  the  gibbet  of  their 
credit,  to  be  caught  in  such  a delinquency.  To  he  'pro- 
tested ! and  all  for  want  of  an  hour’s  delay ! Time 
may  indeed  be  pronounced  to  gallop  withal. 

As  for  ourselves,  I mean  the  house  of  Launch  & 
Hazard,  we  had  apparently  gone  on  in  a tolerably 
prosperous  manner.  We  had  sold  a very  considerable 
quantity  of  goods,  for  a new  establishment;  and,  for 
aught  we  knew,  to  such  persons  as  would  pay  for  them, 
at  the  time  specified. 

But  the  end  of  the  first  six  months,  to  all  new  houses 
not  built  on  real  capital,  is  apt  to  be  a time  of  peril — a 
most  dangerous  crisis.  As  the  revolution  was  the  pe- 
riod which  “tried  men’s  souls,”  so  this  is  that  which 
tries  men’s  purses.  More  debts  become  due,  than  the 
means  come  in  for  discharging  them.  The  merchant 
has  irfoney  out,  when  he  wants  money  in.  His  debtors 
are  all  over  the  country,  while  his  creditors  are  near  at 
hand.  When  he  is  commanded  to  pay,  his  resources 
are  not  at  command. 

Then  his  creditors  are  not  so  lenient  to  him,  as  he  is 
to  his  debtors.  His  creditors  are  mostly  the  banks, 
where  his  paper  has  been  discounted,  or  lodged  for 
collection.  And  a bank,  as  many  a poor  fellow  has 
experienced,  has  no  soul.  It  has  no  compassion  what- 


THE  PERILS  OF  PEARL  STREET. 


117 


ever.  It  will  not  only  have  the  pound  of  flesh  specified, 
but  it  will  have  it  at  the  time  specified.  Y ou  may  wait 
as  long  as  you  will  of  your  own  debtors ; the  hank  will 
not  wait  of  you.  It  declares,  Now  only  is  the  accepted 
time— now  only  is  the  hour,  the  minute  of  payment. 
The  clock  strikes  three — the  dreadful  three  !— and 
the  hour,  the  minute  of  grace  is  past.  Y ou  are  handed 
over  to  the  notary  public.  You  are  protested  for  non- 
payment. Your  credit  is  gone. 

Having  mentioned  a notary  public,  it  is  perhaps 
proper  that  I should  give  some  account  of  that  charac- 
ter, as  employed  in  AVall  street. 

A Notary  Public  then,  in  a hank,  may  be  said  to 
perform  much  the  same  office  as  the  devil  is  represented 
to  do  in  the  other  world.  He  acts  in  a similar  capacity, 
namely,  to  take  charge  of  delinquents ; to  become  the 
instrument  of  punishing  those  who  have  been  dilatory 
in  the  discharge  of  their  obligations ; who  have  not  been 
prepared  for  the  last  and  important  hour.  In  a word,  he  is 
a s yft  of  caco-demon,  who  is  employed  to  make  men 
miserable  on  earth,  instead  of  the  other  world.  But  his 
office  is  more  invidious  than  even  that  of  the  old  Gene- 
ral Tormenter.  The  latter  is  the  agent  only  for  pu- 
nishing moral  delinquences  ; the  former  is  employed  to 
scourge  misfortunes.  I leave  it  to  the. reader  to  judge, 

which  is  the  more  creditable  office. 

11* 


118 


THE  PERILS  OF  PEARL  STREET. 


It  is  curious  to  be  in  a bank  when  the  clock  strikes 
three — to  be  there  as  a spectator,  and  not  as  the  drawer 
of  a note  which  is  unpaid.  There  you  may  see  a pile 
of  unlucky  paper,  waiting  to  be  taken  up.  There  you 
may  see  the  notary  public,  watching  the  hour-hand  of 
the  clock,  and  smiling  maliciously  as  it  approaches  three. 
Y ou  may  see  his  eye  glance  from  the  fated  pile  of  notes 
to  the  door,  and  from  the  door  to  the  pile  of  notes — 
watching  carefully  to  see  how  many  persons  come  in, 
how  fast  the  pile  diminishes,  and  what  is  the  probable 
chance  of  his  making  a profitable  swoop,  when  the 
fatal  minute  arrives. 

At  last  the  hour-hand  ranges  horizontally,  the  mi- 
nute hand  perpendicularly;  the  former  points  to  the 
right,  the  latter  points  upwards.  The  hand  of  the  nota- 
ry is  poised,  palm  dowmwards,  over  the  pile  of  notes, 
like  a hawk  ready  to  pounce  upon  a brood  of  chickens. 
You  may  observe  a sort  of  nervous  twitching,  or  invo- 
luntary contraction  of  the  fingers,  as  if  they  could  hardly 
be  restrained  from  clutching,  even  before  the  fatal  mi- 
nute. 

At  length  the  clock  strikes:  one!  the  hand  of  the 
notary  descends  a little ; two ! it  falls  nearly  to  the  pile ; 
three  ! it  grasps  the  entire  heap  ; and  the  notary,  look- 
ing about  with  a smile  of  satisfaction,  leaves  the  bank, 
to  go  and  make  out  his  protests  and  chuckle  over  his 
gains. 


THE  PERILS  OF  PEARL  STREET. 


119 


In  regard  to  the  latter,  he  is  not  very  particular  whe- 
ther they  are  legal  or  not ; and  herein  he  again  shows 
his  caco-demonic  principles.  The  law  fixes  the  fee  of 
protest  at  fifty  cents.  The  notary  exacts  one  dollar 
fifty  1 Besides  this  extortionate  fee,  when  a protest  is 
actually  served,  he  charges  an  unlawful  seventy-five 
cents,  when  the  note  is  paid  within  an  hour  of  its  becom- 
ing due,  and  of  course  no  protest  is  yet  made.  The  law 
gives  him  leave  to  torment,  and  specifies  the  amount  of 
infliction ; hut  he  outruns  the  law. 

Such  are  some  of  the  miseries  and  vexations  incident 
to  the  mercantile  life.  If  I have  described  the  above 
strongly,  it  is  because  I have  had  occasion  to  feel  deep- 
ly. If  I should  ever  again  fall  into  the  hands  of  the 
notaries,  I shall  of  course  expect  no  mercy ; and  shall 
look  to  pay  three  dollars  at  least  for  a protest,  instead  of 
one  dollar  fifty  cents. 


THE  PERILS  OF  PEARL  STREET. 


121 


CHAPTER  XVI. 


Which , besides  other  interesting  matters,  contains  some  account 
of  the  perilous  exercise  of  shinning. 

The  portentous  period  of  six  months,  which  I have 
said  is  apt  to  be  so  pregnant  of  perils  to  the  young  mer- 
chant, did  not  find  the  house  of  Launch  & Hazard  en- 
tirely free  from  danger.  On  the  contrary,  we  began  to 
be  beset  with  a variety  of  difficulties.  Notes  and 
accounts  of  various  kinds  were  becoming  due  on  every 
side.  We  were  called  upon  for  our  second  quarter’s 
rent.  We  were  dunned  for  the  payment  of  clerks’ 
salaries.  We  were  horrified  with  the  sight  of  hoard- 
hills.  But,  what  was  worst  of  all,  our  notes  to  im- 
porters and  auctioneers  were  becoming  due.  We 
could  get  some  little  respite  on  the  other  demands.  We 
•could  tell  our  clerks  a fine  story;  we  could  tell  our 
landlord  another ; and  we  could  put  off  our  landlady 
with  a third.  But  the  holders  of  our  notes  could  not 
be  so  easily  dealt  with.  The  banks  could  not  be  quiet- 
ed with  a sop  of  fair  words. 

Originally  we  had  entered  into  a league  of  amity  and 


122 


THE  PERILS  OF  TEARL  STREET. 


commerce — if  I may  so  speak — with  another  new  house, 
nearly  as  rich  as  our  own.  The-sum-and-substance  of 
this  treaty  was,  that  the  house  of  Launch""  & Hazard 
was  to  endorse  for  the  house  of  Gumption  & Plunket  j 
and,  vice  versa , the  house  of  Gumption  & Plunket  was 
to  endorse  for  the  house  of  Launch  & Hazard.  Thus, 
empty  -handed  as  we  were  on  both  sides,  we  were  to  help 
fill  each  other’s  pockets ; to  aid  and  assist  one  another, 
by  means  of  our  respective  credit,  the  foundation  where- 
of was  about  as  substantial  as  that  of  a castle  in  the  air. 

But  this  is  one  of  the  modern  modes  of  getting  rich ; 
of  making  money  out  of  nothing.  The  banks  operate 
on  the  same  principle.  They  start  upon  credit ; they 
continue  to  do  business  upon  credit ; they  live,  breathe, 
and  subsist  upon  credit.  Look  into  their  vaults — what 
is  there  ? Emptiness.  It  is  the  popular  faith  that  sup- 
ports them — a faith,  which  is  able  to  remove  mountains ; 
ay,  and  create  them  too. 

Upon  a similar  faith  merchants  proceed.  They 
launch  forth  upon  a fictitious  capital.  A,  with  empty 
pockets,  boulsters  up  the  credit  of  B ; while  B,  with  the 
like  empty  pockets,  supports  the  credit  of  A.  But  with 
all  this  advantage  of  reciprocal  aid,  the  chance  of  main- 
taining their  credit  is  inferior  to  that  of  the  banks.  The 
difference  is,  that  the  latter  are  seldom  called  upon  for 
money,  and  then  in  comparatively  small  sums.  Their 
paper  circulates  all  over  the  country : and  as  long  as 


THE  PERILS  OF  PEARL  STREET. 


123 


their  credit  is  not  impugned,  they  are  considered  as 
abundantly  able  to  pay : and  as  long  as  they  are  consi- 
dered able  to  pay,  few  persons  trouble  them  for  the 
cash.  Not  so  with  the  unlucky  merchant.  His  paper 
will  not  circulate  till  it  wears  out.  Though  his  credit 
be  ever  so  good,  his  creditors  insist  upon  testing  it  at 
limited  periods;  and  when  those  periods  arrive,  he 
must  be  prepared  to  prove  it  good. 

As  I said,  at  the  end  of  six  months,  we  began  to  be 
hard  pushed.  Our  credit,  however,  was  still  fair.  Our 
note  had  never  been  dishonored.  But  we  were  daily 
driven  to  very  hard  shifts.  Our  goods  had  mostly  been 
sold  on  six  months  credit ; and,  as  yet,  we  had  collected 
little  or  nothing  from  our  customers.  They  were  mostly 
country  merchants,  living  at  a considerable  distance 
from  the  city,  and  in  general  very  little  known  either  to 
the  city  banks  or  the  brokers. 

Of  course,  it  was  not  easy  to  get  their  notes  dis- 
counted, or  to  raise  money  on  them  by  any  means, 
except  on  very  disadvantageous  terms.  To  sell  them 
at  a great  loss  to  the  brokers ; or,  in  other  words,  to 
get  them  unmercifully  shaved , was  what  we  wished,  if 
possible,  to  avoid. 

Some  of  our  clerks,  we  sent  into  the  country,  to  col- 
lect. My  partner  went  also  on  the  same  errand.  I 
staid  at  home,  and  daily  shinned  it.  By  shinning,  in 
mercantile  phrase,  is  meant  running  about  to  one’s  ac- 


124 


THE  PERILS  OF  TEARL  STREET. 


quaintance,  to  borrow  money  to  meet  the  emergency  of 
a note  in  bank.  It  is  doubtless  so  called,  because,  in 
the  great  hurry  of  picking  up  cash  to  meet  the  hour 
of  three,  which  perchance  is  just  at  hand ; the  borrower, 
not  having  the  fear  of  wheelbarrows,  boxes,  barrels, 
piles  of  brick,  and  other  obstacles,  before  his  eyes,  is 
very  apt  to  run  [furiously  against  them  with  his  shins, 
the  bark  whereof  is  apt  to  be  grievously  battered  off  by 
the  contact.  In  this  respect,  it  is  much  like  bee-hunting, 
in  a new  settlement — though  it  is  not  always  followed 
by  the  sweets  which  the  bee-hunter  looks  to  as  the  re- 
ward of  his  perils  and  fatigues.  The  bee-hunter,  having 
fixed  his  eye  upon  the  insect,  follows  it  with  his  face 
upturned,  running  swiftly  to  keep  it  in  sight,  as  it  wings 
its  way  to  its  waxen  habitation  in  the  hollow  of  some 
distant  tree.  He  cannot  watch  his  foot  steps,  because  he 
is  watching  the  bee.  He  comes  in  contact  with  stumps, 
stones,  logs,  and  the  like,  until  his  shins  bleed  again. 
So  fares  it  with  the  poor  merchant,  while  he  is  looking 
out  for  an  acquaintance  of  whom  he  may  ask,  Any  thing 
over  ? 

This  is  an  expression  used  by  shinners,  on  applying 
to  their  acquaintance  for  the  needful ; and  means,  Have 
you  any  money  over  and  above  the  sum  requisite  for 
discharging  your  own  notes.  If  so,  it  is  of  course  ex- 
pected, that,  in  the  way  of  mercantile  courtesy,  or  of  a 
friendly  reciprocity,  you  will  oblige  the  shinner  so  far 


THE  PERILS  OF  PEARL  STREET. 


125 


as  to  hand  it  over  to  him.  It  is  a common  way,  among 
those  who  have  business  in  hanks,  of  obliging  one  ano- 
ther. If  they  have  any  thing  over,  they  do  not  consider 
themselves  at  liberty  to  withhold  it  from  their  neighbor, 
lest  the  neighbor  in  his  turn  should  act  the  same  un- 
neighborly  part  towards  them. 

Shinners  may  be  divided  into  two  classes  : those  who 
shin  from  necessity,  and  those  who  shin  for  profit. 
The  latter  may  be  called  professional  shinners ; and 
they  consist  chiefly  of  merchants  of  some  time  standing, 
who  make  it  their  business  to  find  out,  and  get  into  the 
good  graces  of,  those  who  are  just  starting  in  trade. 
Correctly  judging  that  these  last  will  have  no  notes  to 
pay  under  six  months,  and  that  they  will  naturally  be 
taking  considerable  money  in  the  mean  time,  they  do 
them  the  favor  to  borrow  their  surplus  cash,  in  large 
sums,  and  for  a considerable  time,  promising  in  their 
turn  to  lend,  whenever  the  other  shall  stand  in  need. 

But  when  that  time  comes,  these  cunning  old  shinners 
take  especial  care  not  to  have  any  thing  over ; and  when 
the  young  merchant  reminds  them  of  their  former  pro- 
mise, they  call  him  an  ungrateful  dog  for  presuming  to 
mention  such  a thing;  then  coldly  turning  their  back 
upon  him,  commence  a new  shinning  account  with 
some  more  fresh  dupe,  who,  in  like  manner,  is  to  be 
abandoned  whenever  he  requires  an  interchange  of  the 
favor. 


12 


126 


THE  PERILS  OF  PEARL  STREET. 


It  has  been  considered  a matter  deserving  of  some 
attention,  how  one  may  ascertain  the  occupation,  busi- 
ness, or  profession  of  those  he  happens  to  meet,  without 
the  necessity  of  inquiry.  In  some  cases  this  is  not  diffi- 
cult. A sailor  may  be  told  by  the  motion  of  his  sea* 
legs  ; a printer,  by  the  turning  out  of  his  toes  ; a seam- 
stress, by  the  marks  of  the  needle  on  the  fore-finger  of 
her  left  hand ; and  a merchant,  if  you  can  get  sight  of 
his  shins,  by  the  discolored  and  battered  condition  in 
which  you  are  almost  sure  to  find  them.  So  convinced 
am  I of  the  exactness  of  this  criterion,  that,  out  of  a hun- 
dred citizens,  I would  engage  to  tell,  in  at  least  ninety- 
nine  cases,  whether  they  had  been  much  addicted 
to  shinning.  And  if,  in  the  case  of  the  hundredth 
man,  this  criterion  failed,  I should  be  very  likely  to  de- 
tect him  by  the  involuntary  use  of  the  phrase,  Any 
thing  over.  For  my  part,  though  my  experience  is  not 
so  old,  nor  my  habits  so  confirmed  as  those  of  some 
others,  I am  sadly  afraid  I should  be  detected  in  both 
ways. 

At  all  events,  I have  had  experience  enough  in  the 
miserable  business  of  shinning.  It  was  my  daily  exer- 
cise. After  dreaming  all  night  of  bills  payable,  pro- 
tests, and  failures,  the  first  thing  I did,  after  swallowing 
my  coffee,  was  to  start  forth.  Having  the  whole  morn- 
ing before  me,  I used  to  set  out  with  a tolerable  degree 
of  moderation;  but  always  increasing  the  rapidity  of 


THE  PERILS  OF  PEARL  STREET. 


127 


my  steps  in  proportion  to  the  shortness  of  my  remain- 
ing time,  or  the  greatness  of  the  sum  of  money  still-  to 
be  obtained. 

At  first  I would  commence  merely  with  a smart 
walk,  and  ask,  in  rather  a moderate  tone,  Any  thing 
over  ? By  and  by,  as  time  advanced,  and  the  money 
lagged  behind,  I would  begin  to  increase  my  walk  to 
a trot,  and  demand  with  considerable  impatience,  Any 
thing  over  ? But  when  the  hour  of  three  was  hard  by, 
and  the  necessary  sum  was  not  raised,  I would  hasten 
my  steps  to  a furious  run,  and  demand  in  the  most  hur- 
ried tone  imaginable,  For  God’s  sake!  any  thing 
over?  * 

Scenes  of  a very  ludicrous  nature  not  unfrequently 
take  place  in  the  exercise  of  shinning ; and  I cannot  help 
laughing  to  myself,  even  at  this  day,  when  I reflect  on 
the  figure  I am  sensible  I must  sometimes  have  cut  in  my 
various  shinning  expeditions. 

I recollect  one  day,  it  was  a little  before  three,  when 
I had  a considerable  sum  of  money  to  make  up,  passing 
furiously  along  Pearl  street ; when,  espying  an  acquain- 
tance of  mine,  I bawled  out,  as  soon  as  I came  within 
hailing  distance,  Any  thing  over? 

“Yes,  by  J s!”  said  an  Irish  voice,  “ your  oun 

self  is  over  a whale-barrow .”  And,  sure  enough,  as  the 
Irishman  intimated,  I found  myself  lying  across  the  one- 


128  THE  PERILS  OF  PEARL  STREET 

wheeled  vehicle,  having,  unknowingly,  run  against  arid 
fallen  over  it. 

At  another  time,  on  singing  out  to  a friend  of  mine 
whom  I saw  in  the  street  just  ahead,  Any  thing  over  ? 1 
was  answered,  in  a gruff  angry  voice  from  beneath,  “ No 
confound  your  careless  soul  ! but  I’m  under  P And,  on 
looking  down,  I perceived  that  I had  overthrown  a little 
old  gentleman,  whom,  in  my  shinning  frenzy,  I had  not 
before  seen.  I could  do  no  less  than  help  him  up,  brush 
the  dirt  from  his  clothes,  and  beg  his  pardon — -all  which 
I accomplished  in  the  space  of  three  seconds,  and  then 
— shinned  it  again. 

I could  paint  many  another  ludicrous  scene,  whereof 
I was  the  hero ; but  if  I sometimes  appeared  in  a very 
ridiculous  light,  during  the  rage  of  shinning,  others  ap- 
peared no  less,  so.  I remember  one  day  running  up 
Pearl  street,  while  another  shinner  came  running  down. 
In  his  haste  he  came  plump  against  an  iron  lamp-post : 
and  supposing  he  had  encountered  a firm  friend,  he  im- 
mediately asked,  “ Any  thing  over  ?”  when,  wondering 
that  he  received  no  answer,  he  found  that  he  had  spoken 
to  a deaf  and  dumb  post. 

But  if  there  is  much  misery  and  vexation  in  being  op- 
pressed with  pecuniary  difficulties,  there  is,  on  the  other 
hand,  no  little  pleasure  in  being  relieved  from  them,  even 
if  it  be  only  for  a short  season.  I observed  a notable  in- 


THE  PERILS  OF  PEARL  STREET. 


129 


stance  of  this,  one  day : It  was  just  two  minutes  before 
three  on  a Saturday,  when  I was  overtaken,  in  Wall 
street,  by  an  acquaintance  of  mine,  who  was  hastening 
to  the  hank,  with  the  most  smiling  face  imaginable. 

“ Well,  Hazard,”  said  he,  slapping  me  on  the  shoulder, 
“ I’m  the  happiest  dog  in  all  New-York.” 

“ Indeed !” 

“Yes,  I’ ve  got  a young  eternity  before  me.  I’ve  made 
up  my  bank  account  for  to-day,  and  hav’nt  another  note 
to  pay  between  this  and  Tuesday  morning.” 


12* 


i 


THE  PERILS  OF  PEARL  STREET 


131 


CHAPTER  XVII 


Which  shows  in  what  manner , and  to  what  depth,  a man  may 
he  shaved . 


While  I was  exerting  myself  to  keep  up  the  credit  of 
our  house,  by  shinning  it  in  the  city,  my  partner  and 
some  of  our  clerks  were  endeavoring  to  make  collec- 
tions, by  running  about  the  country.  At  length  they 
returned.  Some  of  the  notes,  bills,  and  so  forth,  they  had 
collected.  Some  they  had  collected  in  part ; and  of  others 
they  had  brought  home  fair  promises  of  payment.  But 
in  some  cases,  they  were  not  so  fortunate  as  even  to  get  a 
promise,  for  the  very  sufficient  reason,  that  they  could 
not  find  the  debtor  : while  in  other  cases,  where  they 
did  find  him,  they  found  he  had  failed. 

This  was  certainly  discouraging,  after  so  much  run 
ning  to  and  fro,  and  so  much  breath  spent  in  dunning,  to 
bring  back  so  little  money.  However,  we  made  the  best 
use  we  could  of  the  little  we  had  got.  We  paid  some 


132 


THE  PERILS  OF  PEARL  STREET. 


of  our  most  urgent  debts,  and  got  an  extension  of  credit 
on  others. 

We  still  held  various  notes  of  our  customers,  on  some 
of  which,  as  I mentioned  before,  we  had  got  fair  pro- 
mises ; while  others,  being  of  later  dates,  were  not  yet 
due.  On  these  we  were  forced  to  raise  money.  But 
what  a falling  off  was  there  from  the  face  thereof!  True, 
they  were,  to  the  best  of  our  belief,  good.  But  we  could 
not  prove  them  to  be  so.  The  drawers  were  mostly  at 
a distance.  They  were  unknown  in  Wall  street;  and 
we  could  not  convince  the  brokers  of  their  responsibility. 

But  we  were  at  the  mercy  of  these  gentlemen;  and 
must  make  the  best  we  could  of  our  condition.  They 
would  indeed  lend  us  money  on  the  pledge  of  our  cus- 
tomers’ notes;  but  in  sums  most  ruinously  dispropor- 
tioned  to  the  amount  of  the  pledge. 

In  the  first  place,  they  would  make  but  a part  advance 
on  a note,  or  number  of  notes ; and  as  our  necessities  in- 
creased, they  would  be  sure  to  demand  an  increase  in  the 
amount  of  the  pledged  paper — thus  getting  into  their 
possession  all  our  negotiable  means,  and  holding  us  en- 
tirely at  their  mercy/ 

This  was  being  shaved  till  the  blood  followed  the  razor. 
But  what  could  we  do  ? It  seemed  to  us  better,  in  the 
state  of  our  finances,  to  submit  even  to  such  terms,  than 
not  to  raise  money  at  all.  This,  however,  might  be 


THE  PERILS  OF  PEARL  STREET.  133 

questionable  policy : for  those,  who  get  thus  shaved,  to 
meet  the  present  emergency  and  to  put  further  off  the  evil 
day,  but  make  that  day  the  more  certain  in  the  end,  and 
the  more  disastrous  when  it  arrives.  Their  prudence  is 
much  the  same  as  that  of  the  man,  who  strips  the  cover- 
ing from  the  outside  of  his  house,  in  order  to  warm  the 
inside.  He  makes  one  glorious  fire,  with  which  he 
warms  himself  to-day ; and  then  freezes  to  death  on  the 
morrow. 

To  make  the  better  bargain  out  of  those  unfortunate 
persons,  who  are  obliged  to  have  recourse  to  their  mercy, 
the  brokers  frequently  resort  to  certain  tricks,  among 
which  a very  common  one  is,  to  delay  the  applicant,  un- 
der one  pretence  or  other,  until  the  very  last  minute  of 
grace ; when,  it  becoming  too  late  to  apply  elsewhere, 
they  exact  an  enormous  premium. 

For  instance,  when  the  borrower  goes  to  them,  they 
will  affect,  perhaps,  not  to  understand  the  object  of  his 
visit,  and  be  ready  to  talk  about  every  thing  except  the 
subject  of  money.  They  will  prate  about  the  weather, 
politics,  religion,  matrimony,  the  latest  fashion  ; in  short, 
any  thing  but  that  nearest  the  heart  of  the  borrower. 

I recollect  once  calling,  in  a great  strait,  upon  Mr.  Dan 
Doubloon,  a character  well  known  in  Wall  street- — he- 
al ways  went  by  the  name  of  The  Don.  It  was  about 
two.  o’clock. 


134 


THE  PERILS  OF  PEARL  STREET 


“ Mr.  Doubloon,  I want — ” 

“ Well,  how  do  you  come  on,  friend  Hazard  ? How 
is  business  ? Making  a fortune  I suppose  ?” 

“ I am  just  now  in  great  want,  Mr.  Doub — ” 

“ Fine  weather  this.  I thought  it  would  rain  this 
morning,  but  it  has  cleared  off  charmingly.” 

“I  say  Mr.  Doubloon,  I — ” 

“ What  do  you  think  of'these  new-fashioned  hats  that 
are  getting  to  be  all  the  go  ?” 

“ I’ve  no  time  to  think  of  any  thing,  except — ” 

“ For  my  part,  I think  the  brim  is  quite  too  narrow.” 

“ That  may  be  too — but  just  now  I’ve  other  matters 
to—” 

“ Ah,  by  the  by,  Hazard,  have  you  read  the  president’s 
message  ?” 

“ Confound  the  message ! I wish — ” 

“ I should  like  to  have  your  opinion  of  that  document.” 
“ I’ve  no  opinion  of  it.  I came  to  you  for  the  pur- 
pose— ” 

“ That  was  rather  curious  though,  was’nt  it,  about  your 
friend  Gumption  getting  married  just  as  he  did?” 

“ I know  nothing  about  it,  nor  care.  I called,  I 
say—” 

“That  affair  of  the  Reverend  Mr.  Thumpcushion 
makes  a great  deal  of  noise  in  the  world,  does’nt  it?” 

“ I see,  Don — I would  say  Mr.  Doubloon — you’re 


THE  PERILS  OF  PEARL  STREET. 


135 


not  disposed  to  attend  to  business,  and  therefore  I bid 
you  good  morning.” 

“Stay,  stay,  friend  Hazard — don’t  be  in  haste.” 

“ I came,  upon  a great  emergency,  to — ” 
“Emergency!  surely  that  cannot  be — that’s  impos- 
sible.” 

“ But  it’s  true  nevertheless — I want  a thousand  dol- 
lars between  this  and  three  o’clock.” 

“A  thousand  dollars!  and  on  so  short  a notice  too! 
If  you’d  called  a little  sooner,  I might  have  done  some- 
thing for  you ; but  at  present — ” 

“ Don’t  you  think  you  can  help  me  ?” 

“ I don’t  know,  indeed,  friend  Hazard,  money  is 
prodigious  scarce  just  now,  and  the  time  is  so  short — - 
however,  for  friendship’s  sake,  I’ll  just  step  out  and  see 
what  I can  do  for  you.  Walk  into  the  back  room,  and 
sit  down.  I’ll  return  in  five  minutes. 

Saying  this,  the  broker  put  on  his  hat  and  left  the 
office.  The  five  minutes  passed  away — nay,  ten — fif- 
teen— half  an  hour — and  the  broker  had  not  returned. 
I began  to  grow  very  impatient ; and  I had  reason  to, 
for  the  hour  of  three  was  fast  approaching.  At  length, 
after  waiting  nearly  an  hour,  Mr.  Doubloon  came. 

“ Never  was  money  so  hard  to  be  got,”  said  he,  “ I’ve 
been  running  and  running — ” 

“ But  have  you  got  it  ?” 

Whew ! I’m  all  out  of  breath  now  with  running.” 


186 


THE  PERILS  OP  PEARL  STREET. 


“ But  have  you  got  the  money,  I say?” 

“Why,  how  impatient  you  are!  Y-e-s,  I’ve  made 
out  to  raise  it,  hut—” 

“ But  what  ?” 

“ On  such  disadvantageous  terms,  that-^” 

“ Never  mind  the  terms.  Money  I must  have  if  it 
costs  me  thirty  per  cent.” 

“ That’s  just  what  I’ve  been  obliged  to  give — but  as  I 
must  charge  something  for  my  trouble—” 

“ Charge  any  thing  you  please — but  let  me  have  the 
money.” 

“You  won’t  think  three  per  cent  a month  unrea- 
sonable?” 

“ What  I think  is  of  no  consequence — but  let  me 
have  the  money  soon,  or  I shall  be  too  late.” 

Doubloon  counted  out  the  money,  and  I arrived  with 
it  at  the  bank  just  twenty-five  seconds  before  three. 
-Such  were  some  of  the  extortions  to  which  we  were 
obliged  to  submit,  to  sustain  the  credit  of  a falling 
house. 

But,  to  return  to  the  onward  course  of  my  narrative  . 
Besides  the  pledge  of  notes,  we  were  obliged  to  resort  to 
the  hypothecation  of  our  stock.  But  here,  as  in  the 
case  of  the  paper,  the  amount  of  the  money  obtained 
was  most  ruinously  disproportioned  to  the  value  of  the 
pledge. 

But  -this  state  of  things  could  not  long  continue.  Our 


THE  PERILS  OF  PEARL  STREET. 


137 


race  seemed  to  be  nearly  run.  The  goal  of  failure  was 
evidently  in  view.  Our  inventions  for  raising  the  wind 
were  almost  wholly  exhausted.  Though  we  shinned 
it  and  got  shaved  in  the  day  time  ; though  we  lay  awake 
o’  nights  to  study  out  the  ways  and  means  of  meeting 
the  demands  of  the  morrow  ; the  time  seemed  likely 
soon  to  arrive  when  we  must  confess  our  inability  to 
move  another  step — in  a word,  acknowledge  ourselves 
bankrupt. 

We  felt  a horror  at  the  thoughts  of  such  a catastrophe. 
It  would  he  a new  event  to  us — a first  failure ; and  we 
no  doubt,  felt  differently  from  those  old  and  experienced 
merchants,  who  have  failed  a dozen  times;  who  are 
hackneyed  in  the  ways  of  stopping  payment ; and  the 
edge  of  whose  feelings,  on  the  subject  of  mercantile 
credit,  is  blunted,  or  worn  away. 

For  my  part,  I felt  exceedingly  sensitive  on  the  sub- 
ject. I had  set  out  with  high  hopes  and  honorable  feel- 
ings. I had  made  fine  calculations  of  arriving  to  wealth ; 
and  arriving  there  only  through  the  path  of  fair  and 
honorable  dealing.  I could  not  endure  it  should  be 
said,  Hazard  is  bankrupt ; his  race  is  soon  run ; poor 
devil ! he  could’nt  hold  out  for  a year ; but  it  is’nt  strange 
at  all,  for  he  has  no  tact,  no  business  talent — neither  he 
nor  his  partner. — Or,  perchance,  to  have  it  whispered, 
Ah,  well,  they  did’nt  fail  for  nothing,  depend  upon  it. 

They  would’nt  shut  up  shop  so  soon,  unless  for  good 
13 


138 


THE  PERILS  OF  TEARL  STREET. 


and  substantial  reasons — ay,  for  solid  ones. — And  thus 
to  have  a hint  circulated  against  our  honor ! as  if  loss, 
poverty,  and  the  resting  under  a burden  of  debt,  were 
not  sufficient,  without  having  the  character  assailed  by 
a charge  of  dishonorable  conduct. 

Messrs.  Gumption  & Plunket,  who,  as  I said,  were 
our  reciprocal  endorsers,  had  begun  as  well  as  we,  to  get 
into  considerable  difficulties;  and  they  proposed  that, 
still  further  to  aid  each  other  in  our  mutual  emergencies, 
we  should  fly  the  kite.  For  my  part,  I was  opposed  to 
every  thing  like  trick,  or  hollow  dealing  of  any  kind  ; 
and  my  partner,  I believe,  was  no  less  so.  Besides,  such 
management  would  only  afford  a temporary  relief.  The 
evil  day  must  come:  and  since  that  is  the  case,  said  I. 
let  it  find  us  honest. 

It  did  come : and  it  was  a consolation  to  reflect,  that  it 
found  us  honest.  The  day  before  Christmas,  in  the 
year  182 — , the  firm  of  Launch  & Hazard  stopt  pay- 
ment— failed! — having  continued  something  less  than 
eleven  months.  Our  acquaintance  wished  us  a merry 
Christmas.  But  there  was  little  cause  of  mirth  for  us. 


THE  PERILS  OF  PEARL  STREET. 


139 


CHAPTER  XVIII. 


Containing , among  other  things , the  model  for  an  innkeeper. 


We  had  little  difficulty  in  arranging  with  our  credi- 
tors. Not  only  two  thirds , but  all,  with  two  exceptions 
consented  to  our  release  upon  the  lawful  surrender  of 
our  effects.  The  first  of  these  exceptions  was  Janus 
Fairface,  the  well  known  keeper  of  the  Superb  Hotel,  in 

street,  to  whom  we  owed  something  like  three 

hundred  dollars,  for  board  and  lodging.  The  other  was 
Malcolm  McGrip,  an  emigrant  from  the  ‘ land  o’  cakes,’ 
and  an  importer  of  Scotch  goods,  to  whom  we  owed  a 
thousand  dollars  more. 

Janus  declared  he  would  take  up  with  nothing  less 
than  his  full  demand.  We  had  eaten  and  drank  at  his 
table,  we  had  slept  in  his  beds,  and,  by  George,  we 
should  pay  for  it.  While  the  Scotchman,  who  had 
formerly  turned  bankrupt  and  paid  his  creditors  one 
shilling  in  the  pound,  swore  by  St.  Andrew’s  cross,  that 
he  would  have  his  money,  or  he  would  have  our  hides, 
“ the  tane  or  the  tither.” 


HO 


THE  PERILS  OF  PEARL  STREET. 


But  the  small  minority  of  Janus  and  Me  Grip,  against 
the  great  majority  of  all  the  rest,  had  very  little  effect. 
We  surrendered  all,  and  we  were  released.  Some  of 
our  debts  we  had  been  careful  to  pay  before  our  failure  : 
such  as  the  salaries  of  our  clerks  and  apprentices,  the 
bills  of  our  tailors,  shoe-makers,  and  indeed  all  that 
class  of  creditors,  who,  depending  chiefly  on  the  labor 
of  their  hands  for  a subsistence,  were  in  general  least 
able  to  suffer  any  loss.  For  my  part,  I could  not  have 
slept  o’  nights,  with  the  reproach  on  my  conscience  of 
leaving  these  bills  unpaid. 

To  end  the  history  of  our  bankruptcy  here,  I will 
barely  state,  that  our  effects  went  so  far  as  to  pay  sixty 
cents  on  the  dollar.  This  was  all.  But  it  was  more 
than  our  creditors  expected;  and  our  old  friend  Janus, 
and  the  Scotch  importer,  in  spite  of  the  opposition  they 
had  made  to  our  release,  pocketed  their  share  of  the 
dividend,  with  quite  as  much  zeal  as  any  of  the  rest. 

Apropos  of  Janus  : I must  give  some  account  of  him, 
and  his  famous  establishment.  Janus  Fairface,  in 
stature,  was  about  five  feet  eight.  He  was  not  plump, 
like  the  better  specimens  of  hotel-keepers  ; neither  was 
he  altogether  lean ; but  what  a butcher  would  call  in 
middling  case.  There  was  nothing  very  remarkable  about 
his  countenance,  except  a certain  leaden  cast  of  the  eye, 
which  seemed  never  to  express  any  intelligence  or 
meaning  of  any  kind,  except  at  the  sight  of  money ; or 


THE  PERILS  OF  PEARL  STREET. 


141 


when  money,  or  money’s  worth  was  the  subject  of  con- 
versation. Then  his  eye  lighted  up  in  a surprising 
manner,  and  seemed  to  flash  with  a very  considerable 
degree  of  intelligence. 

His  soul  was  absorbed  in  gain  ; his  whole  mind  was 
bent  on  the  advancement  of  his  fortune.  He  had  a talent 
at  bowing,  and  fawning,  and  making  fine  speeches, 
where  his  interest  was  concerned.  This  he  thought  he 
could  turn  to  good  account  among  strangers ; and  who 
has  more  to  do  with  strangers  than  a tavern-keeper  % 
They  are  mostly  the  people  out  of  whom  he  gets  his 
money.  Smooth  words,  fair  promises,  and  pliant  bows 
are  apt  to  pass  current  with  them,  because,  in  the  in- 
stance in  question,  they  have  not  yet  become  acquainted 
with  their  value. 

Janus  procured  an  excellent  stand,  in  one  of  the  most 
business  parts  of  the  city,  where  merchants  would  be 
most  likely  to  congregate.  On  his  sign  was  displayed, 
in  flaming  gold  letters,  “ The  Superb  Hotel.”  How 
the  name  accorded  with  the  character,  was  left  for  Ja- 
nus to  make  out.  There  was  nothing  very  lofty,  or 
very  splendid,  in  the  exterior  of  the  building ; nor  wras 
there  anything  very  remarkable  in  the  interior.  There 
were  indeed  something  like  sixty  rooms,  of  all  sizes ; 
but  furnished  in  the  plainest  manner.  Nor  was  there 
any  thing  striking  about  the  table,  either  in  the  splen- 


13* 


142 


THE  PERILS  OF  PEARL  STREET. 


dor  of  the  furniture,  or  the  preparation  and  variety  of 
the  dishes. 

But  Janus  had  a way  of  making  the  most  of  every  thing. 
His  dining  room  had  sufficient  extent  to  accommodate 
a hundred  persons  comfortably;  and  a hundred  and 
fifty  uncomfortably.  His  chambers  and  beds  could 
afford  tolerable  lodgings  to  some  seventy  or  eighty 
persons ; and  intolerable  ones  to  a much  larger  num- 
ber. 

In  speaking  of  his  accommodations,  to  strangers, 
Janus  would  say,  while  his  leaden  eyes  gleamed  like 
scoured  pewter,  “ I have  the  most  superb  accommoda- 
tions in  the  whole  city — at  least  I profess  to  have. 
You  shall  hear,  and  then  judge.  In  the  first  place,  I 
can  lodge  two  hundred  persons  with  all  the  ease  in  the 
world,  and  nearly  three  hundred  upon  a pinch.  And 
then  I’ve  the  most  superb  dining-room  in  the  seven 
continents.  I can  seat  upwards  of  two  hundred  persons. 
And  then  my  table — but  it  does’nt  become  me  to  speak 
of  that : however,  my  accommodations  are  superb  in 
every  respect — most  superb ; — and  those,  who  put  up 
with  me,  will  tell  you  the  same  story — if  you’ll  take  the 
trouble  to  inquire,  wherever  they  are.” 

As  I said  before,  Janus  had  a way  of  making  the 
most  of  every  thing.  This  he  did,  not  only  in  the  ma- 
nagement of  his  affairs,  but  likewise  in  his  practice  of 
setting  forth  the  excellence  and  extent  of  his  accommo- 


THE  PERILS  OF  PEARL  STREET. 


143 


dations ; and,  had  I not  been  well  assured,  that  Peter 
Funk  was  employed  exclusively  by  the  merchants,  I 
should  have  strongly  suspected  that  the  imp  of  decep- 
tion was  figuring  away  for  my  friend  Janus,  in  various- 
parts  of  the  Superb  Hotel. 

In  the  first  place  there  was  deception  in  regard  to  the 
number  of  rooms.  The  very  figures,  attached  to  the 
bells,  strung  along  one  side  of  the  bar-room,  were  made 
to  lie.  They  represented  a much  higher  number  than 
there  was  in  reality.  Instead  of  beginning  at  1,  2,  3, 
and  so  on ; they  jumped  all  at  once  to  40,  as  any  per- 
son, by  examining,  might  have  perceived ; though  it 
would  naturally  escape  the  notice  of  a stranger.  Be- 
sides this  large  leap  of  number  forty  to  begin  with, 
there  were  other  smaller  strides  of  five,  ten,  fifteen,  and 
so  forth- — on  the  whole,  raising  the  last  numbers  to  a 
very  respectable  height. 

This  was  quite  convenient,  and  saved  the  conscien- 
tious Janus  the  qualms  and  the  trouble  of  more  direct 
lying.  His  guests  could  read  the  numbers  for  them- 
selves ; or,  if  disposed  to  inquire  of  the  host  how  many 
rooms  he  had,  the  ready  reply  would  be,  “ Why,  we 
number  as  high  as  200,  I think.  But  you  can  see  for 
yourself,  under  the  last  of  the  bells  there — it  is  two 
hundred  is  it  not  1 Oh,  sir,  we  have  the  most  superb 
variety  of  rooms,  I’ll  be  bound  to  say,  in  the  seven 
continents.1’ 


144 


THE  PERILS  OF  PEARL  STREET. 


All  this  was  a mere  trick  of  Janus’s,  put  in  practice  to 
give  a sort  of  eclat  to  his  hotel,  as  having  so  many 
rooms  ; and  he  was  obliged  to  resort  to  another  method, 
too  common  among  inn-keepers,  of  stowing  away  seve- 
ral guests,  perhaps  entire  strangers  to  each  other,  in  the 
same  room.  He  had  also  a trick  of  making  the  most 
of  his  beds,  by  dividing  them,  when  his  house  was 
crowded  with  guests — giving  to  one  the  straw  bed, 
another  the  mattress,  and  a third  the  feather  bed — thus, 
upon  a pinch,  making  three  beds  out  of  one.  At  table, 
where  there  was  a plentiful  lack  of  silver  spoons,  the 
deficiency  was  made  up  by  substituting  pewter,  copper, 
or  iron ; while,  to  supply  the  scarcity  of  sugar-tongs, 
such  guests,  as  happened  to  get  a seat  near  the  lower 
end  of  the  table,  were  under  the  necessity  of  substituting 
their  fingers.  In  a word,  Janus,  in  all  his  arrange- 
ments, went  upon  the  principle,  that  ‘ a penny  saved  is 
a penny  got and  from  that  maxim,  so  far  as  I have 
heard,  he  was  never  guilty  of  departing. 

There  is,  however,  another  maxim,  about  being  ‘ pen- 
ny wise  and  pound  foolish/  But  Janus,  in  his  haste 
to  grow  rich,  did  not  seem  to  think  of  this ; nor  to  be 
aware,  that,  by  taking  in  and  deceiving  a stranger  once, 
he  was  never  likely  to  get  his  custom  again.  Or,  if  he 
was  awareof  it,  he  trusted  so  to  fleece  him  at  first,  that 
he  should  have  no  occasion  for  a second  operation. 


THE  PERILS  OF  PEARL  STREET. 


145 


It  was  quite  edifying  to  witness  the  behavior  of  Janus, 
on  the  arrival  of  guests.  He  had  a sort  of  winning 
way,  which  took  very  much  with  strangers.  He  was 
ever  ready  to  receive  and  attend  to  them.  He  did  not 
want  for  hows  nor  compliments.  He  especially  abound- 
ed in  fair  professions.  He  was  ready  to  promise  any 
thing,  and  every  thing,  in  relation  to  the  comfort  of  his 
guests.  But  having  once  got  them  secured,  his  pro- 
mises were  no  longer  remembered;  their  comfort  and 
his  own  word  were  the  last  things  he  thought  of ; and 
to  remind  him  of  either,  was  hut  to  spend  breath  in 
vain. 

When  a stranger  came,  and  inquired  if  he  could 
have  a comfortable  room  to  himself?  Janus  would 
reply,  with  many  hows,  “Yes,  sir,  yes  sir;  oh,  yes 
sir.” 

“ With  a good  bed  ?” 

“ Certainly,  sir,  certainly.  I have  the  best  beds  in  the 
city  of  New-York  ; or,  for  that  matter  in  the  seven  conti- 
nents.” 

“ Shall  I look  at  the  accommodations  ? Oh,  yes  sir, 
certainly  sir.  Here,  John,  show  this  gentleman  to 
No.  193.” 

John  does  as  he  is  directed,  and  the  gentleman,  find- 
ing sundry  things  wanting  to  make  the  room  comfortable, 
returns  and  reports  the  same  to  the  landlord. 


146 


THE  PERILS  OF  TEARL  STREET. 


“ Oh,  very  well,”  says  Janus,  “ whatever  is  wanting 
shall  be  supplied  to  your  satisfaction.” 

“ I wish  to  occupy  it  for  some  time — hut  in  its  present 
condition — ” 

“ My  dear  sir,  every  thing  shall  he  put  to  rights — 
every  thing  shall  he  arranged  to  your  satisfaction.  I 
shall  be  extremely  pleased  to  accommodate  you ; and 
Pm  sure  I can  do  it  as  well  as  any  man  in  the  city  of 
New- York,  or  the  seven  continents  either.” 

“ Have  you  no  other  room  to  spare  ?” 

“ Not  just  at  present,  sir — Pm  so  crowded  at  pre- 
sent— ” 

**  There’s  a pane  of  glass  broke  out  of  the  window, 
which  lets  in  the  wind  and  storm.” 

“ That  shall  be  repaired  directly.” 

“ The  bed  does’nt  suit  me.  I wish  for  a feather  bed, 
in  addition  to  that  mattress.” 

“ Certainly,  certainly,  sir.  The  bed  shall  be  changed 
according  to  your  wish.” 

“ I want  some  rush-bottomed  chairs,  in  room  of  that 
hard  wooden  one.” 

“ Yes  sir,  yes  sir — you  shall  have  them,  sir.” 

“ There’s  no  key  to  the  door  lock.” 

“ There  shall  be  one  immediately,  sir.” 

Believing  in  these  professions,  the  gentleman  orders 
his  baggage  to  the  room.  At  the  hour  of  bed  time,  he 
begs  a lamp  and  retires.  He  is  astonished  to  find  every 


THE  PERILS  OF  PEARL  STREET. 


147 


thing  as  it  was  before  : the  mattress,  the  hard-bottomed 
chair,  the  lock  without  a key,  and  the  window  minus  a 
pane  of  glass.  He  returns  to  the  landlord— 

“ That  room  is  not  in  order,  as  you  promised.” 

“I’m  very  sorry  for  it,”  says  Fairface,  “ very  sorry 
indeed ; but  the  fact  is,  I could’nt  find  a locksmith  or  a 
glazier  to  do  any  thing ; and  as  for  the  bed  and  the  chairs 
— but  really,  sir,  every  thing  shall  be  arranged  to-mor- 
row to  your  entire  satisfaction.” 

The  stranger,  not  having  yet  found  out  the  exact  value 
of  his  landlord’s  promises,  returns  to  his  room,  in  hopes 
matters  will  be  speedily  mended.  He  stuffs  his  unmen- 
tionables in  the  broken  pane,  in  expectation  of  its  being- 
repaired  on  the  morrow ; and  he  throws  himself  on  the 
mattress,  in  the  full  belief  that  he  shall  enjoy  the  luxury 
of  feathers,  the  succeeding  night. 

But  how  much  is  he  mistaken  ! the  succeeding  night 
comes,  and  every  thing  remains  as  it  was : the  hard 
chair,  the  uncomfortable  mattress,  the  keyless  lock,  the 
window  with  the  open  pane.  He  goes  once  more  to  the 
landlord  to  remonstrate. 

“ Nothing  is  done  to  my  room  yet,  as  you  promised.” 

“ My  dear  sir,”  says  Janus,  “ you  don’t  know  how 
very  difficult  it  is  to  get  any  thing  done  in  New- York 
at  this  season  of  the  year : the  locksmiths,  the  glaziers, 
and  every  body  is  so  busy.” 


148 


THE  PERILS  OF  PEARL  STREET. 


“ But  surely  the  bed  and  the  chairs  do  not  require  the 
aid  of  locksmiths  or  glaziers.” 

“ What!”  exclaims  Janus,  as  if  in  great  surprise,  and 
his  leaden  eyes  lighting  up  with  a true  metalic  lustre, 
“ is’nt  that  done  yet  ? I gave  my  folks  orders  to  see  to 
it  yesterday.  But  rely  upon  it,  sir,  it  shall  be  attended 
to  directly.” 

“ The  next  day  comes,  and  the  day  following,  and  the 
day  after  that ; hut  the  alterations  in  the  comforts  of  the 
room,  though  daily  promised,  are  not  made.  At  last, 
the  guest,  coming  to  the  landlord,  in  somewhat  of  a pas- 
sion, exclaims — “ I must  say,  Mr.  Fairface,  you’re  a man 
of  your  word !” 

“ Certainly,,  certainly,  sir,”  says  Janus,  bowing  pro- 
foundly— •“  I profess  to  he— that  is,  I think — I pre- 
sume— ” 

“ I say,  sir,  you’re  a man  of  your  word : when  you 
say  you  will,  it’s  very  certain  you  will  not .” 

“ Janus  now  looks  a little  confused.  He  casts  his 
leaden  eyes  on  the  ground  and  begins  again  to  pelaver, 
and  make  some  excuse,  and  complain  of  glaziers,  and 
carpenters,  and  servants,  and  chamber-maids. 

“ I beg  your  pardon,”  interrupts  the  guest,  “ the  fault 
is  entirely  your  own  : you  make  promises,  as  a woman 
does  pie*crust,  merely  to  be  broken.” 

“ Sir !”  exclaims  Janus,  at  last  falling  into  a passion — 
44  do  you  say  this  to  me  in  my  own  house  ?” 


THE  PERILS  OF  PEARL  STREET. 


149 


“ Don’t  fret  yourself,”  says  the  guest,  coolly,  “ but 
make  out  my  bill.” 

Janus  now  begins  to  soften  down  again.  He  has  no 
desire  to  lose  a customer,  before  he  has  had  time  to  give 
him  a thorough  fleecing.  He  therefore  makes  a thou- 
sand apologies : is  vastly  sorry  the  gentleman  has  not 
been  accommodated  to  his  mind ; and  renews  his  pro- 
mise that  the  room  shall  be  put  in  perfect  order  forthwith. 
But  he  has  lied  too  often ; his  guest  now  perfectly  un- 
derstands the  value  of  his  promises,  and  treats  him  ac- 
cordingly. He  pays  his  bill,  and  seeks  other  lodgings. 

In  this,  or  a similar  manner,  guest  after  guest  forsook 
the  house  of  Janus.  His  promises  were  never  fulfilled. 
His  favorite  principle,  of  getting  much  out  of  little,  did 
not  prove  profitable  in  the  end.  Nobody,  who  could 
readily  pay  his  bill,  would  stay  long  in  his  house.  His 
fair  professions,  indeed,  deceived  many.  It  was  thus 
myself  and  partner  were  taken  in  ; and  our  embarrass- 
ments afterwards  kept  us  in,  much  longer  than  we  should 
otherwise  have  staid. 

Besides  a large  weekly  price  for  board,  Janus  charged 
enormously  for  extras ; which,  with  him,  was  a very 
comprehensive  term,  spread  out  and  extended  with  great 
ingenuity,  so  as  to  include  sundry  things  which  no  other 
boarding-house  or  hotel  would  have  made  any  account 
of.  For  instance,  if  a guest  were  unwell,  and  required 
a little  broth  or  gruel  in  his  room ; Janus,  in  addition  to 
14 


150 


THE  PERILS  OF  PEARL  STREET. 


the  regular  charge  for  hoard,  added  the  price  of  a sepa- 
rate meal  for  every  dish  of  the  kind  which  the  unfortu- 
nate invalid  required.  Then  again  he  never  failed  to 
charge  for  every  meal  which  you  invited  a friend,  to  eat : 
though  he  never  gave  you  credit  for  any  of  the  meals 
which  you  happened  to  take  abroad,  even  if  they  should 
be  three  times  as  numerous  as  those  to  which  you  invit- 
ed your  friend.  This  principle  of  reciprocity,  Janus 
could  never  understand. 

It  would  be  an  edifying  matter  to  inspect  one  of  his 
board-bills.  I have  one  by  me  now,  which,  for  the  bene- 
fit of  taverners  and  boarding-house-keepers,  I will  copy  : 
just  premising,  that  though  friend  Janus  was  a very  good 
penman,  he  was  a very  bad  speller. 


“ New- York,  Dec , 31,  182- 
Mr.  William  Hazzerd  to  Janus  Fairface,  Dr. 


To  3 months  bord 
To  frend  tea 
To  do  diner  - 
To  Botle  wine  - # - 
To  Boal  grewell  in  room  . - 
To  do  - 

To  Boal  Chick  Broth  in  room 
To  Mut  Do  - 
To  Glass  Water  in  room 
To  Frend  breckfist 


$100  00 


2 50 


38 

38 

50 

44 

6 

44 


38 

50 


THE  PERILS  OF  PEARL  STREET. 


151 


To  Botle  Mad  wine 

2 20 

To  Inch  Kandle  extra 

6 

To  frend  Tea 

38 

To  Brakige 

3 00 

To  Bottle  Shampain 

3 00 

To  2 inches  Kandle  extra 

13 

To  Sundrys  not  spessified 

1500 
$129  35 

Received  payment.” 

The  above  is  a true  bill,  as  I can  prove  by  exhibiting* 
the  original,  in  the  hand-writing  of  Janus.  Besides, 
many  of  my  readers  must  have  collateral  proof  in  their 
own  possession;  having  been  boarders  of  Janus,  as  well 
as  myself. 

The  truth  is,  Janus  had,  for  some  time,  a well-fre- 
quented house.  His  guests  were  numerous  and  respect- 
able. How  he  contrived  to  get,  and  keep  them,  so  long 
as  he  did,  I have  sometimes  been  greatly  inclined  to 
wonder.  It  was  mostly,  I suspect,  owing  to  the  excel- 
lence of  his  local  situation.  But  whatever  was  the 
cause,  he  could  not  preserve  the  advantages  he  had 
gained.  He  was  too  close  for  his  own  interest.  By 
screwing  too  hard,  he  failed.  The  extras  could  not 
save  him.  The  Superb  Hotel  went  down ; and  Janus 
went  away — between  two  days. 


: : 


' 


THE  PERILS  OF  PEARL  STREET, 


153 


CHAPTER  XIX- 

Which  begins  with  a descent , and  ends  with  an  elevation. 

After  the  failure  of  the  house  of  Launch  & Hazard, 
as  already  mentioned,  I was  fain  once  more  to  clerk  it 
for  a livelihood.  This  was  indeed  somewhat  galling  to 
my  pride,  after  having  flourished  as  a merchant — a 
wholesale  merchant,  in  Pearl  street ! It  was  descending 
rather  too  much  at  one  step.  It  wTas  a sad  falling  off 
from  my  late  dignity. 

But  what  was  I to  do  ? Money  I had  none.  Friepds, 
it  is  true,  I had ; but  they  were  not  inclined  to  support 
me,  neither  was  I inclined  they  should.  I thought  of 
returning  to  my  native  village  of  Spreadaway.  I longed 
to  see  Mary  Dawson.  I had  not  met  with  her  equal 
among  the  city  belles— her  equal  I mean,  not  in  wealth 
and  fashion,  but  in  unadorned  beauty  and  modest  loveli- 
ness. I wished  likewise  to  see  my  parents — my  father 
who  fashioned  the  houses,  and  my  mother  who  fashioned 
the  ladies  of  the  village.  I wished  to  see  all  my  rustic 

acquaintance  with  whom  I used  to  join  in  the  sports  of 
14* 


154 


THE  PERILS  OF  PEARL  STREET. 


the  country — the  boys  with  whom  I used  to  play  at 
ball,  and  the  girls  with  whom  I used  to  play  at  romps. 

In  a word,  I was  desirous  of  seeing  all  my  old  ac- 
quaintance ; and  then,  again — I desired  not  to  see  them. 
I could’nt  bear  the  thoughts  of  appearing  before  them 
as  a bankrupt ; or,  as  some  of  the  country  people,  in 
their  peculiar  language,  might  term  me,  a bancrafi ! 
What ! said  I to  myself,  shall  I appear  before  my  quon- 
dam friends,  my  late  fellow  villagers,  a broken  merchant  ? 
A man  who  came  to  New- York,  to  make  his  fortune, 
after  several  years  return  pennyless,  and  a thousand 
times  worse  than  pennyless ? To  have  my  rustic  ac- 
quaintance look  me  in  the  face,  with  a smile  of  pity  for 
my  madness,  or  of  contempt  for  my  folly ! To  have  it 
said  of  me,  as  I walked  the  village  streets,  There  goes 
Bill  Hazard,  the  New- York  merchant ! the  wholesale 
dealer  in  Pearl  street ! I never  thought  he  w~ould  find 
pearls  there  though.  It’s  turned  out  just  as  I expected. 
He  was  too  proud  to  work.  He  despised  us  poor  vil- 
lagers. He  must  needs  go  to  New-York,  and  turn  mer- 
chant. And  now  see  what  he’s  come  to  ! If  I was  in  his 
place,  I would’nt  have  shown  my  face  here  again. 

Could  I endure  to  be  thus  thought,  or  thus  spoken  of? 
Besides,  what  was  I to  do  in  the  country  ? Work — I 
mean  mechanic’s  or  farmer’s  labor — I knew  very  little 
of ; and  if  I had  better  understood  it,  I confess  it  would 
have  sorely  galled  my  pride  to  return  from  Pearl  street 


THE  PERILS  OF  PEARL  STREET. 


155 


to  the  work-bench  or  the  plough.  A country  clerkship 
was  hut  little  better — though  I had  half  a mind  to  go 
back  to  Squire  Dawson’s,  for  the  daily  pleasure  of  seeing 
Mary.  But  to  measure  tape,  to  weigh  tea,  to  draw  mo- 
lasses, to  handle  pork,  to  barter  merchandize  for  beans, 
butter,  beef,  lard,  and  what  not; — and  to  do  all  this  at  the 
rate  of  ten  dollars  per  month  and  found — with  the  chance 
of  being  sneered  at  into  the  bargain — I could  not  do  it, 
even  with  the  privilege  of  daily  seeing  Mary  Dawson. 

To  tell  the  truth,  I had  resolved  never  again  to  show 
my  face  in  Spreadway,  until  I could  show  it  a richer 
man  than  when  I came  away.  I determined  to  start 
anew ; to  travel  the  road  of  fortune  once  more.  My 
pride  was  enlisted  not  to  quit  the  ground  for  one  unfor- 
tunate step.  But  I was  not  now  prepared  to  set  forward 
on  a second  enterprise.  I wanted  the  ways  and  means  ; 
and  I resolved  to  set  patiently  to  work  to  acquire  them. 

My  worthy  and  “ approved  good  masters,”  Thomas 
Steady  & Sons,  were  ready  to  welcome  me  back  to  their 
employ ; and  I became  once  more  a clerk,  with  an  in- 
creased salary.  It  was  gratifying  to  me  to  reflect,  that, 
in  my  failure  in  trade,  I had  not  failed  in  retaining  the 
confidence  of  these  respectable  men.  I could  not  help 
acknowledging  the  truth,  the  sincerity,  and  the  foresight 
of  the  elder  Mr.  Steady,  in  what  he  had  formerly  re- 
marked as  to  my  so  suddenly  embarking  in  trade ; and 
I felt  grateful,  that,  on  kindly  offering  me  a place  imme- 


156  THE  PERILS  OF  PEARL  STREET. 

diately  after  my  failure,  he  never  so  much  as  alluded  to 
my  imprudence,  or  magnified  his  own  superior  judg- 
ment, as  many  another  man  would  have  done.  Having 
spoken  his  sentiments  freely  at  first,  there  was  an  end  of 
the  subject. 

I met  with  the  same  sincere  and  judicious  friends,  in 
the  house  of  Thomas  Steady  & Sons,  that  I had  been  so 
well  satisfied  with  in  my  former  engagement.  They 
were  still  the  friends  and  benefactors  of  the  Mercantile 
Library  Association ; of  which,  in  again  becoming  a 
clerk,  I once  more  became  a member.  Considerable 
additions  had  been  made  to  the  library  during  the  last 
year ; and  being  now  free  from  the  exercise  of  shinning, 
and  all  the  other  engrossing  torments  and  vexations  of 
raising  the  wind,  I had  reason  to  rejoice  in  my  descent, 
from  a merchant  to  a clerk,  if  it  were  for  no  other  reason 
than  the  renewed  opportunity  of  indulging  myself  in  the 
luxury  of  books. 

With  my  return  to  the  Association,  however,  my  for- 
mer ambition  for  office  had  by  no  means  returned ; and  I 
was  very  much  surprised  one  day  to  find  that  I had  been 
elected  President.  I had  the  interests  of  the  Institution 
as  much  as  ever  at  heart,  and  did  what  I could,  in  a quiet 
way,  to  promote  them.  But  I did  not  dream  of,  much 
less  seek  for,  office : and  after  my  former  defeat  in  the 
election  for  a minor  place,  I should  as  soon  have  expect- 


THE  PERILS  OF  PEARL  STREET. 


157 


ed  to  be  made  President  of  the  United  States,  as  of  the 
Mercantile  Library  Association. 

However,  entertaining  the  same  judicious  sentiments 
with  the  great  man  at  the  head  of  the  general  govern- 
ment, namely,  that  office  was  neither  to  be  sought  nor  re- 
fused, I accepted  the  high  dignity  to  which  I had  in  so 
flattering  a manner  been  raised.  How  I fulfilled  the 
office,  it  becomes  not  me  to  say ; but  being  a second 
time  elected,  in  the  same  unsolicited  manner  as  at  first,  I 
set  it  down  as  a tolerable  proof,  at  least,  of  the  popularity 
of  my  administration. 


v 


THE  PERILS  OF  PEARL  STREET. 


159 


CHAPTER  XX. 

Wherein  the  hero  re-embarks  in  the  perils  of  trade , and  runs  upon 
the  rocks  of  speculation. 

I continued  to  clerk  it  for  nearly  three  years,  when 
I began  to  get  weary  again,  and  to  wish  to  figure  once 
more  as  a merchant.  True,  my  situation  was  comfort- 
able ; my  salary  was  good ; and  I had  every  reason, 
which  a clerk  could  well  desire,  for  being  contented 
with  my  condition.  But  this  did  not  satisfy  me.  I did 
not  like  to  continue  as  a subordinate.  My  ambition  was, 
to  figure  as  principal.  And,  though  I had  so  miserably 
failed  in  my  former  undertaking,  I had  still  hopes  of 
making  my  fortune  by  [mercantile  pursuits.  I had 
heard  of  others  who  had  grown  rich  after  a failure,  and 
why  should  not  I ? At  least  I could  make  the  ex- 
periment. “ Faint  heart  never  won  fair  lady and  the 
goddess  Fortune,  though  blind,  was  fond,  like  other 
females,  of  being  wooed.  At  all  events  I resolved  that 
if  her  goddesship  were  not  won,  it  should  not  he  my 
fault. 

I had  managed  with  such  economy,  during  this  last 


160 


THE  PERILS  OF  PEARL  STREET. 


clerkship,  that  I had  saved  about  two  thousand  dollars. 
This,  with  the  sum  of  five  thousand  to  he  furnished  by- 
two  other  young  men,  who  were  to  he  my  partners, 
would  form  a capital  not  to  be  despised ; and  certainly 
such  a one  as  could  not  be  commanded  by  every  house 
in  Pearl  street.  With  the  sum  of  seven  thousand  dol- 
lars for  a nest  egg,  if  I may  so  speak,  we  could  obtain 
credit  to  any  necessary  amount : and  might,  with  the 
help  of  good  luck,  in  due  course  of  time,  “ feather  our 
nest”  to  our  heart’s  content. 

In  a word,  behold  me  embarked  again  in  the  whole- 
sale business,  and  spreading  all  my  sails  to  catch  the 
breeze  of  fortune.  I now  took  my  place  at  the  head  of 
the  firm,  which  came  out  under  the  style  and  title  of 
Hazard,  Griffin  & Co. 

We  went  on  swimmingly  with  our  business.  We 
were  'patronised — to  use  a common  expression  in  Ame- 
rica— by  various  merchants  in  various  parts  of  the 
country,  who,  if  they  did  not  pay  us  the  cash  for  goods, 
promised  payment,  according  to  the  common  rule,  six 
months  after  date.  We  furnished  goods  of  an  excellent 
quality ; we  attended  closely  to  our  business ; we  treated 
our  customers  with  politeness ; and  we  did  not  want  for 
custom. 

Thus  we  pursued  our  business  prosperously.  We 
passed  Point  Six  Months,  on  our  voyage  of  trade,  and 
perfectly  escaped  the  danger  of  shipwreck  which  is  so 


TIIE  PERILS  OF  PEARL  STREET. 


161 


apt  to  beset  that  perilous  period.  We  now  felt  secure, 
at  least  so  far  as  respected  that  turning  point.  We  had 
gone  beyond  that;  and  we  felt  as  thankful,  and  as  full 
of  hopes  as  a single  lady  who  has  turned  her  first  corner, 
and  finds  her  bloom  and  beauty  but  little  if  any  worse 
for  the  wear. 

We  had  not  failed;  and  we  did  not  intend  to  fail. 
Our  notes  were  promptly  paid,  and  that  without  flying 
the  kite  or  a hypothecation  of  stock.  To  be  sure,  we 
were  obliged  to  shin  it  a little  now  and  then,  as  who 
is  not  ? That  is  one  of  the  incidents  of  trade.  Even 
the  best  of  men  are  obliged  to  resort  to  it.  Show  me 
a merchant  of  a year’s  standing,  who  has  never  shin- 
ned it,  and  I will  engage  to  show  you  a rare  animal — 
a sort  of  lucky  monster — such  a creature  as  I do  not 
believe  is  at  present  to  be  found  in  Pearl  street.  I 
will  show  you  a merchant  with  sound  and  unbattered 
shins. 

We  not  only  went  on  prosperously  for  six  months,  but 
a year — ay,  more,  a year  and  a half ; and  we  still,  so  far 
as  our  regular  business  was  concerned,  appeared  to  be 
doing  well.  But  we  could  not  be  content  with  the 
slow  profits  of  regular  trade — with  buying  and  sell- 
ing dry  goods.  We  must  needs  dabble  in  certain  spe- 
culations. 

About  that  time,  it  became  all  the  rage  to  get  rich  by 

buying  cotton.  We  bought,  as  well  as  others.  But  it 
15 


162 


THE  PERILS  OF  PEARL  STREET. 


did  not  turn  out  so  profitable  an  affair  as  was  expected. 
To  be  sure  there  was  no  loss  in  buying — we  had  the 
cotton  for  our  money — but  the  selling  played  the  devil 
with  us. 

Besides,  our  speculation  cost  us  a world  of  anxiety 
and  troubled  thoughts.  At  first,  indeed,  we  were  full 
of  pleasing  expectations,  and  huoyed  up  with  the  most 
excellent  hopes.  Cotton  had  sold  at  a great  price  in 
Liverpool,  as  appeared  by  late  accounts,  and  was  still  on 
the  rise.  We  were  offered  a very  considerable  advance 
on  ours.  But  there  were  two  sets  of  fools  met — 
the  party  who  offered,  and  the  party  who  refused. 
We  were  not  ready  to  sell  then.  We  waited  for  a 
higher  price.  But,  like  a young  woman,  who  refuses  a 
good  offer  in  expectation  of  a better,  we  overstood  our 
market. 

Never  shall  I forget  the  anxiety  we  endured,  from 
the  time  of  our  cotton  purchase  to  the  time  of  our  cotton 
sale.  We  were  constantly  on  the  look  out  for  news  from 
Liverpool.  The  packet  seemed  too  slow  in  coming. 
The  winds  were  contrary.  They  did  not  bring  arrivals 
soon  enough.  Indeed,  as  if  to  ruin  us  cotton  speculators, 
there  were  no  arrivals  for  a whole  month.  In  that  time 
what  a mighty  change  in  the  cotton  market  might  take 
place  ! How  prodigiously  the  article  might  rise ! Or, 
again,  how  shockingly  it  might  fall ! Ah,  there  was 
the  rub.  Had  we  been  certain  of  its  rising,  we  might 


THE  PERILS  OF  PEARL  STREET. 


163 


have  gone  to  bed  and  slept  comfortably.  But  the  uncer- 
tainty kept  us  awake. 

For  my  part,  I had  a sad  foreboding  of  the  fall  of  cot- 
ton ; and  on  the  strength  of  it,  I advised  an  acceptance 
of  the  offer  we  already  had.  But  my  partners  over- 
ruled. They  were  two  to  one ; and  their  hopes  were 
twice  as  strong  as  mine.  “ No,”  said  they,  “we  shall 
do  best  to  hold  on.  Depend  upon  it  the  next  arrival 
will  bring  us  glorious  news.  We  hav’nt  bought  our 
eotton  for  nothing,  rely  upon  it.” 

“ True,”  said  I,  “ and  that’s  what  makes  me  anxious 
to  sell  it,  while  we  have  a fair  offer.” 

“Anxious!  Oh,  Hazard!  thou  of  little  faith.  But 
wait  patiently  till  the  next  arrival ; and  then  see  how 
rich  we  will  be.” 

The  next  arrival  at  length  came,  and  with  it  came  the 
fall  of  cotton.  “ I wish  we  had  sold,”  said  my  worthy 
partners,  with  a face  nearly  as  long  as  a piece  of  our 
goods. 


THE  PERILS  OF  PEARL  STREET. 


165 


CHAPTER  XXI. 

Which  both  ends  the  history  of  a bad  speculation  and  a bad 
fellow. 

Our  unlucky  cotton  speculation,  however,  did  not  ruin 
us.  We  still  kept  our  heads  above  water,  and  continued 
our  business  as  before.  But,  as  a gamester,  who  has 
met  with  losses  at  play,  is  apt  to  venture  again  in  order 
to  retrieve  bis  fortune,  so  the  house  of  Hazard,  Griffin 
& Co.  resolved  to  enter  upon  a new  speculation,  in  order 
to  make  up  the  losses  of  the  old. 

But  we  were  sick  of  cotton.  We  had  burnt  our 
fingers  once  with  the  article,  and  would  not  try  it 
again.  But  it  was  not  every  vegetable  production, 
which  would  prove  so  unlucky.  Hops  were  now  all 
the  go ; and  hops  we  were  certain  would  prove  a 
safer  speculation.  Ardent  spirits  were  going  out  of 
fashion;  and  the  drinking  of  strong  beer  was  daily 
nn  the  increase.  Hops  therefore  would  be  in  great 
demand. 

15* 


166  THE  PERILS  OF  PEARL  STREET. 

Accordingly  we  purchased  hops.  But  others,  it 
seems,  had  been  beforehand  with  us  in  their  ideas  of 
the  increased  use  of  beer.  The  farmers  had  foreseen 
that  more  hops  would  he  wanted,  and  consequently 
they  had  planted  more.  Hop-growers  had  enlarged 
their  fields,  and  corn-growers  had  turned  their  atten- 
tion to  the  raising  of  hops : for,  unluckily,  it  so  hap- 
pened in  regard  to  this  article,  as  it  does  with  all 
others,  that  too  many  persons  had  the  wisdom  to  fore- 
see an  increased  demand,  and  the  prudence  to  resolve  to 
profit  by  it. 

In  such  cases  it  usually  happens,  that  each  indivi- 
dual fancies  himself  the  sole  depositary  of  that  prescient 
wisdom,  which  knows  how  to  profit  by  coming  events ; 
and  he  resolves  accordingly  to  take  advantage  of  it, 
without  saying  a word  to  his  neighbors.  It  was  so 
in  the  case  of  the  hop-growers.  Each  one  said  to 
himself,  Let  my  neighbors  go  on,  if  they  will,  in  the 
old  jog-trot  way.  As  for  me,  I perceive  that  these 
temperance  societies  will  bring  about  an  increased  de- 
mand for  beer : and  an  increased  demand  for  beer  will 
of  course  cause  an  increased  demand  for  hops.  Now 
my  neighbors — stupid  fellows ! — they  don’t  foresee  this. 
And  before  they  find  it  out,  I — faith,  I’ll  make  my  for- 
tune. 

So  reasoned  each  one  about  enlarging  his  old,  or 
planting  new,  hop-fields.  The  result  was,  that  about 


THE  PERILS  OF  PEARL  STREET. 


167 


the  time  we  made  our  famous  speculation  in  hops,  the 
new  plantations  of  the  article  had  begun  to  produce 
wonderfuly.  Each  hop-grower  was  surprised  to  find 
his  neighbors  had  been  as  prescient  and  as  wise  as 
himself ; and  we,  of  the  house  of  Hazard,  Griffin  & 
Co.,  were  surprised  to  find,  that  after  purchasing  our 
hops  at  a high  rate,  we  were  obliged  to  sell  them  at  a 
low  one; 

Our  hop  speculation  turned  out  little  better  than 
the  cotton  one.  But  neither  did  this  ruin  us.  Our 
mercantile  business  was  prosperous,  and  it  required 
still  further  blows  to  kill  us.  We  had  hitherto  lost 
nothing  on  our  regular  sales  of  goods  ; but  now  the 
trial  was  to  come.  We  were  to  suffer  by  the  roguery 
of  others. 

I have  already  had  occasion  to  speak  of  Don 
Doubloon,  the  broker.  He  did  not,  however,  deal, in 
notes,  money,  and  exchanges  only.  He  was  a ge- 
neral speculator,  ready  to  take  advantage  of  all  op- 
portunities for  enhancing  his  gains,  and  not  in  the 
least  particular  as  to  the  means  of  effecting  his  pur- 
pose. 

He  was  president  of  the  — - Bank,  and  took 

advantage  of  his  official  station  to  loan  himself  a 
large  sum  of  money,  immediately  after  which  he 
managed  to  fail,  whereby  he  not  only  caused  the  fai* 


168 


i HE  PERILS  OF  TEARL  STREET. 


lure  of  tlie  bank,  but  the  ruin  of  sundry  houses  and 
individuals. 

Among  others,  he  did  us  the  favor  to  include  the 
firm  of  Hazard,  Griffin  & Co.  He  purchased  our 
hops,  after  the  price  had  fallen  one  half.  But,  in  con- 
sideration of  his  paying  us  the  cash,  of  which  we 
began  to  be  in  great  want,  we  were  fain  to  make  a 
discount  of  one  fourth  more— thus  achieving  a loss, 
at  ‘one  fell  swoop,’  of  five-eighths  of  the  price  of 
our  hops. 

But  neither  did  our  loss  end  here.  Don  Doubloon 

paid  ufe  entirely  in  the  bills  of  the  ■ Bank, 

which,  as  they  were  then  perfectly  current,  we  had  no 
hesitation  in  taking.  But,  before  we  had  time  to  pay 
them  away,  The  Don  failed,  the  bank  failed,  and  our 
bills  turned  out  to  be  worth  but  twelve  and  a half  cents 
on  the  dollar. 

That  I may  finish  here  with  The  Don,  I would  ob- 
serve, that  he  was  formerly  a leading  man  in  the 
Board  of  Brokers  ; and  such  was  his  self-impoitance, 
in  consequence  of  his  real  or  imagined  influence  in 
money  matters,  that,  happening  once  to  be  in  Washing- 
ton during  the  session  of  Congress,  and  going  into 
the  gallery  of  the  Senate  when  that  body  was  just  in 
the  act  of  taking  some  question  by  rising,  he  thought 
the  movement  was  solely  designed  to  do  him  honor 


THE  PERILS  OF  PEARL  STREET. 


169 


and  graciously  exclaimed “ Keep  your  seats  ! gen- 

tlemen, keep  your  seats ! — don’t  rise  on  my  account.” 

There  is  generally,  in  all  societies  and  combinations 
of  men,  a code  of  laws  by  which  each  particular  society 
or  combination  is  governed.  Thus  it  is  with  a band  of 
robbers,  a society  of  black-legs,  or  a community  of 
beggars.  However  much  they  prey  upon  others,  how- 
ever lawless  they  are  in  regard  to  the  public,  they  have 
each  a sort  of  freemasonry  which  prevents  their  own 
members  from  preying  upon  one  another. 

Thus,  for  a broker  to  cheat  a broker,  is  most  unbroker- 
like conduct.  It  is  like  one  of  the  canine  race  eating 
another ; or  like  a Jew  jewing  Jew.  Hence,  by  the 
rule  of  the  Board,  it  is  punishable  by  expulsion.  If  one 
broker  engages  to  deliver  stock  one  time  to  another 
broker,  and,  afterwards  finding  it  a bad  bargain,  refuses 
to  fulfil  the  disastrous  contract,  he  is  voted  a dishonest 
brother ; his  conduct  is  pronounced  unbrokerlike ; and 
he  is  expelled  from  the  Board. 

The  Don  got  out  by  some  such  means.  After  carry- 
ing great  sway  in  the  Board,  for  a number  of  years, 
having  in  an  evil  hour  made  some  unlucky  contract, 
whereby  he  would  lose  to  a pretty  round  sum  to  a brother 
broker — a man  of  no  estimation,  compared  with  himself 
— he  flatly  refused  to  fulfil  the  contract — saying  to  him- 
self, The  Board  won’t  dare  to  expel  me — I’m  a man  of 
too  much  consequence  among  them — my  popularity 


170 


THE  PERILS  OF  PEARL  STREET. 


will  stand  any  thing-.  But  The  Don  was  mistaken  for 
once  in  his  life.  The  Board  pronounced  him  to  he  en- 
tirely too  great  a rogue  for  them.  And  they  expelled 
him. 

The  poor  Don!  he  never  entirely  recovered  this 
blow — I mean  in  the  public  estimation.  In  some  of  his 
other  crooked  dealings,  such  as  that  in  regard  to  the 

* Bank,  the  hop  speculation,  and  the  like,  the 

people  merely  looked  on,  and  thought  them  all  very  well 
in  the  way  of  trade,  where  the  man,  who  overreaches 
most,  is  considered  the  cleverest  fellow.  But  when  they 
learnt  that  he  was  expelled  even  by  the  Board  of  Brokers 
— that  he  was  too  enormous  a villain  to  have  a seat 
there — they  turned  their  backs  upon  him — they  gave 
him  up  as  the  devil’s  first-born. 

Thus  finding  his  character  no  longer  passable,  even 
in  Wall  street,  The  Don  cleared  out  for  the  jvest ; 

having  his  portmanteau  stuffed  with bills,  which 

cost  him  twelve  and  a half  cents  on  the  dollar,  and 
which  he  resolved  to  lay  out  in  new  lands  before  the 
failure  of  the  bank  should  be  known  in  the  regions  of 
the  far  west. 


THE  PERILS  OF  PEARL  STREET. 


i7l 


CHAPTER  XXII. 

Containing  little  more  than  what  might  he  expected. 

The  fall  of  hops,  the  roguery  of  Don  Doubloon,  and 

the  failure  of  the Bank  put  the  last  finish  to  the 

misfortunes  of  our  house.  Nothing  could  save  us.  There 
was  no  possibility  of  raising  the  wind.  All  the  arts  and 
shifts  in  the  world  would  not  have  availed  us  for  that 
purpose.  The  dashing  house  of  Hazard,  Griffin  & Co. 
was  obliged  to  own  itself  bankrupt. 

We  arranged  the  matter  with  our  creditors,  and  ob- 
tained a release  in  the  usual  mode.  Our  effects  paid  no 
more  than  thirty  cents  on  the  dollar.  This  was  indeed  a 
sad  failure ; and,  though  the  finishing  stroke  was  owing  to 

The  Don  and  the  bills,  I could  not  help  reflecting 

on  our  imprudence,  our  inordinate  spirit  of  speculation, 
and  our  impatience  to  grow  rich  without  waiting  the  re- 
sult of  our  regular  gains.  Our  business,  before  com- 
mencing the  cotton  speculation,  was  prosperous;  and 
even  after  that,  we  might,  with  care  and  eco.nomy,  have 
weathered  the  point.  But,  fools  that  wre  were ! we  must 


172 


THE  PERILS  OF  TEARL  STREET. 


needs  run  into  the  hop  speculation,  in  order  to  retrieve 
our  losses  in  the  cotton.  And  so  we  were  ruined. 

I must  confess  it  did  not  set  perfectly  w-ell  on  my  con- 
science, that  so  many  persons  should  he  injured  through 
our  rashness  and  imprudence.  It  is  common  I know 
for  people  to  launch  out  in  speculations,  regardless  of 
whom  they  may  injure,  so  that  there  is  the  least  chance 
of  making  a profit  to  themselves.  But  the  commonness 
of  the  proceeding  does  not  alter  its  moral  complexion : 
and  no  man,  who  owes  money,  I am  convinced,  can  jus- 
tify himself  for  hazarding  his  means  by  embarking  in 
rash  and  doubtful  undertakings. 

But  the  more  a man  engages  in  speculations;  the 
more  he  adventures  in  the  road  of  fortune ; the  more  he 
becomes  hackneyed  in  the  ways  of  trade ; and  especially 
the  oftener  he  fails,  and  gets  quit  of  his  creditors  without 
paying  his  debts:  the  less  tender  his  conscience  grows 
on  the  subject  of  doing  to  others  as  he  would  have  them 
do  to  him.  So  debasing  are  the  arts  and  shifts  which  are 
too  apt  to  prevail  in  a mercantile  community. 

But  moralizing  on  the  subject  of  my  too  adventurous 
course,  did  not  mend  the  matter,  now  that  the  mischief 
was  done.  I was  not  worth  a penny — nay,  I was  thou- 
sands of  dollars  worse  than  nothing.  What  course  was 
I to  take  now  ? What  road  should  I next  mark  out  for 
myself?  Should  I clerk  it  again?  Should  I go  and 
humbly  offer  my  services  to  Thomas  Steady  & Sons, 


THE  PERILS  OF  PEARL  STREET.  173 

after  twice  leaving-  their  employ,  where  I was  doing  well 
enough  for  myself?  Or  should  I advertise  in  the  pa- 
pers, A broken  merchant  wishes  employment  as  a clerk  ! 
Inquire  of  William  Hazard,  formerly  of  the  house  of 
Launch  & Hazard,  and  lately  of  the  firm  of  Hazard, 
Griffin  & Co.,  Pearl  street ! 

I was  not  exactly  prepared  for  this  step.  I was  not 
yet  reduced  to  that  absolute  state  of  starvation,  that  I 
could  stomach  the  idea  of  again  going  over  the  ground 
I had  already  twice  travelled.  But  I had  no  desire  to 
eat  the  bread  of  idleness  ; and  if  I had  who  was  to  give 
it  to  me  % Hospitality  is  not  the  virtue  of  great  cities  ■ 
and  few  individuals  are  ever  found  in  a trading  com- 
munity, who  are  willing  to  give  a man  his  meat  and 
lodging,  and  clothe  him  into  the  bargain,  merely  for  the 
consideration  of  his  good  looks,  his  good  company,  or 
his  sweet  conversation. 


16 


THE  PERILS  OF  PEARL  STREET. 


175 


CHAPTER  XXIII. 

/ 

Wherein  the  hero  adventures  upon — nothing  in  particular. 

While  I was  debating  with  myself  which  way  to  turn 
next,  I received  a letter  from  my  father,  inviting  me  to  re- 
turn home  and  set  up  business  in  my  native  village  of 
Spreadaway ; and  offering  me  a thousand  dollars,  ready 
money,  to  commence  operations  upon.  He  hinted  that 
my  old  master,  Squire  Dawson  would  be  willing  to 
take  me  in  for  a partner,  and  give  me  an  equal  share 
of  the  profits,  though  he  would  not  require  me  to  furnish 
a fourth  part  of  the  capital — being,  as  my  father  said,5 
in  want  of  an  active  young  man  to  take  the  burden  of 
trade  from  his  shoulders,  now  that  he  was  growing  old 
and  especially  as  his  time  was  a good  deal  occupied 
with  his  office,  as  principal  Justice  of  Peace  of  that 
town. 

My  father  also  kindly  hinted  something  about  the  old 
Squire  being  worth  money,  and  having  no  chick  nor 
child,  except  Mary,  and  her  still  unmarried.  My 
mother  was  more  explicit ; for,  in  a postscript  to  my 


176 


THE  PERILS  OF  PEARL  STREET 


father’s  letter,  she  insisted  upon  it  that  I should  abso- 
lutely come  home  and  marry  Mary ; and  become  the 
son-in-law,  as  -well  as  the  partner,  of  Squire  Dawson, 
She  expatiated  in  very  warm  terms  upon  the  girl’s  good 
looks  and  good  qualities ; and  declared  she  always  in- 
tended I should  marry  her.  She  even  went  so  far  as  to 
say  the  young  lady  was  waiting  for  me,  and  ready,  like 
ripe  fruit,  to  drop  into  my  mouth,  whenever  I should 
open  it  for  that  purpos  e. 

A fudge  for  such  a story ! said  I,  as  I crumpled  that 
part  of  the  letter.  The  beautiful,  the  divine,  the  modest 
Mary  ready  to  drop  into  a gentleman’s  mouth,  like  an 
over  ripe  peach!  fie  upon  the  story!  And  yet  it  was 
not  every  gentleman  whose  mouth  this  charming  fruit 
was  so  ready  to  favor — it  was  only  my  mouth.  That 
made  a difference — nay,  all  the  difference  in  the  world; 
and  smoothing  out  the  letter  again,  I found  that  passage 
in  my  mother’s  postscript,  after  the  twentieth  reading,  very 
tolerable. 

Now  here  was  in  truth  a great  temptation.  I could 
get  rid  of  poverty  and  get  a pretty  wife  at  the  same  time. 
But,  in  order  to  do  so,  I must  return  to  Spreadaway, 
which,  as  I have  before  mentioned,  I had  positively  re- 
solved not  to  do,  unless  I could  return  to  it  a richer  man 
than  I left  it.  I was  proud  when  I formed  that  resolu- 
tion ; and  though  twice  a bankrupt,  I was  proud  still. 
My  motives  for  not  returning,  were  rather  strengthened 


THE  PERILS  OF  PEARL  STREET.  177 

by  this  second  failure.  The  peole  of  Spreadaway  would 
exult  more  than  ever  at  this  second  blow  to  what  they 
would  call  my  pride  and  folly.  The  twice  city  merchant, 
they  would  say,  after  being  twice  bankrupt,  has  returned 
to  his  own  village  at  last,  to  get  a living  among  those  that 
he  once  turned  his  back  upon.  Well,  I always  thought 
how  ’twould  be — I did. 

No,  said  I,  neither  father,  nor  mother,  nor  Squire 
Dawson,  nor  the  village  of  Spreadaway,  nor  even  Mary 
herself  shall  see  me  in  my  present  condition.  It  will 
never  do.  My  pride  is  not  sufficiently  humbled  yet.  But 
the  lovely  Mary — I longed  to  see  her.  Of  all  the  wo- 
men in  the  world,  so  far  as  I was  acquainted,  I would 
have  preferred  her  for  my  wife.  Indeed,  before  the  dis- 
asters of  the  cotton  and  the  hop  speculation,  I had  almost 
made  up  my  mind  to  go  and  woo  her,  win  her  if  I could, 
and  make  a city  dame  of  her. 

The  truth  is,  I had  never  said  a word  to  Mary  on  the 
subject  of  love,  matrimony,  or  any  thing  of  the  kind. 
Whatever  my  thoughts  had  been,  I had  kept  them  to 
myself.  I was  under  no  obligation  to  her  therefore,  ex- 
cept to  love  and  esteein  her,  which  for  the  life  of  me  I 
could  not  well  help.  But  from  any  agreement,  promise, 
or  conversational  obligation  of. any  kind,  I was  perfectly 
free.  I might  therefore  marry  whom  I would,  or  whom 
I could,  and  nobody  had  a right  to  forbid  the  bans,  or  to 

say,  I have  a prior  claim  upon  you. 

16* 


178 


THE  PERILS  OF  PEARL  STREET. 


By  the  way,  speaking  of  matrimony,  I must  say  some- 
thing of  certain  ingenious  attempts,  made  in  my  more 
prosperous  days,  to  draw  me  into  a city  match.  But  I 
reserve  that  for  a new  chapter. 


THE  PERILS  OF  PEARL  STREET. 


179 


CHAPTER  XXIV. 


Which  shows  that  there  are  more  perils  than  those  of  Pearl  street . 


Pretty  soon  after  my  second  commencement  in  trade, 
I had  gone  to  board  at  Mrs.  Starchy’s,  a famous  estab- 
lishment in  Broadway,  where  sundry  young  merchants 
of  the  first  chop,  and  other  fashionable  gentlemen  of  the 
city,  were  wont  to  board.  Why  it  was  so  I know  not, 
except  that  it  was  all  the  ton  to  board  at  Mrs.  Starchy’s. 
Perhaps  the  high  price  had  some  effect  in  drawing  cus- 
tom : for,  whenever  an  establishment,  whether  hotel  or 
boarding-house,  has  the  name  of  charging  twice  as  much 
for  its  accommodations  as  they  are  worth,  it  is  sure  to 
be  reckoned  a house  of  high  standing,  and  will  inevita- 
bly get  a certain  class  of  custom — a class,  who  would 
turn  up  their  noses  at  the  best  accommodations  in  the 
world,  provided  they  were  put  at  a low  price. 

If  such  were  not  the  reasons  for  crowding  the  rooms 
and  the  table  of  my  landlady,  I know  not  in  truth  what 
they  were.  In  saying  this,  I perceive  that  I must  stand 
convicted,  out  of  my  own  mouth,  of  the  most  egregious 


180 


THE  PERILS  OF  PEARL  STREET. 


folly,  in  having  myself  been  a boarder  at  Mrs.  Starchy1  s. 
But  this,  as  well  as  many  other  things  in  my  life  which 
I could  earnestly  wish  were  expunged,  forms  a part  of 
my  history,  and  as  such  I must  record  it. 

Mrs  Starchy’s  accommodations  were  certainly  no  bet- 
ter than  those  of  hundreds  of  others,  who  made  less  pre- 
tensions and  asked  a less  price ; and  there  was  nothing 
either  in  the  beauty  of  her  person,  or  the  gentleness  of 
her  manners  to  recommend  her.  She  was  a woman 
about  fifty  years  of  age.  She  had  indeed  an  erect  figure, 
but  a most  forbidding  aspect.  Her  nose  was  long  and 
sharp,  her  cheek  bones  high,  her  lips  thin  and  compress- 
ed, and  her  whole  expression  severe  and  repulsive. 

In  her  dress,  however,  Mrs.  Starchy  was  exceedingly 
particular.  She  was  not  only  the  very  pink  of  cleanli- 
ness, but  she  was  dressed,  as  they  say  of  the  dandies, 
within  an  inch  of  her  life.  But  she  did  not  stop  here; 
she  did  not  content  herself  with  being  most  particularly 
exact  in  regard  to  her  own  dress  : she  assumed  the 
power  of  regulating  the  dress  of  her  boarders.  She  in- 
sisted upon  it  that  they  should  not  appear  at  her  table, 
or  in  her  drawing-room  in  pantaloons;  but  that  they 
should  inevitably  Wear  small-clothes — -ay,  and  small- 
clothes, particularly  cut'  too,  with  the  legs  descending 
just  to  the  top  of  the  calf,  and  neatly  fastened  with  ri- 
bands instead  of  buckles.  She  also  prescribed  the  num- 
ber of  buttons  to  the  coat,  the  precise  length  and  shape 


THE  PERILS  OF  PEARL  STREET. 


181 


of  the  waistcoat,  and  in  a particular  manner  forbid  the 
wearing  of  stocks,  which  had  latterly  so  much  taken  the 
place  of  cravats.  In  short,  Mrs.  Starchy  declared  she 
would  not  have  a gentleman  in  her  house,  who  did  not 
conform  to  her  arrangements  in  regard  to  dress  ; and 
she  took  the  liberty  of  expelling  from  the  table  all  such 
gentlemen  as  in  any  manner  proved  refractory  to  her 
orders. 

Such  was  Mrs.  Starchy.  But  she  was  withal  some- 
thing of  a match-maker.  She  usually  kept  about  her  a 
number  of  fair  cousins,  of  all  ages  and  all  degrees  of 
affinity,  which  she  was  ready  to  dispose  of  to  the  high- 
est bidder — that  is  to  say,  to  whoever  had  the  most 
money,  and  was  at  the  same  time  willing  to  take  them. 
Some  of  these  sweet  damsels  were  indeed  a little  the 
worse  for  age,  and  others  not  very  marketable  on  ac- 
count of  their  homeliness.  But  these  only  went  the 
cheaper ; while  those,  who  were  younger  and  better 
looking,  stood  for  a higher  price. 

One  of  the  former  class  was  directed  to  lay  siege  to 
me.  She  was  not  above  ten  years  my  senior,  and  I de- 
clare upon  the  word  of  an  honest  man,  I have  seen 
worse  looking  women  than  she.  It  is  true,  she  wanted 
an  eye — and  Scudder  supplied  one.  She  wanted  teeth 
— and  Woffendale  made  them.  She  wanted  hair — and 

— furnished  it.  She  wanted  hips---and  Can- 

telo  supplied  them.  She  wanted — in  short,  whatever 


182 


THE  PERILS  OF  PEABL  STREET. 


she  wanted,  the  artists  were  ready  to  supply  all  deficien- 
cies. It  was  easier  however  to  accommodate  her  wants, 
than  to  rid  her  of  certain  superfluities.  They  could  not 
take  away  the  unnecessary  ten  years,  and  they  could  not 
cure  her  of  an  unpleasant  breath. 

Why  she  should  lay  siege  to  me,  it  may  seem  some- 
what marvellous,  especially  as,  among  Mrs.  Starchy’s 
boarders,  there  were  bachelors  who  could  count  their 
thousands,  when  I could  only  count  my  tens.  The  pe- 
culiar circumstances  of  her  age  and  person  perhaps 
might  account  for  it ; and  it  is  not  unlikely  that  she  had 
more  than  once  been  defeated  in  her  attemprs  on  the 
more  wealthy  of  the  single  gentlemen. 

Would  that  they  had  had  her,  or  that  the  devil  had  had" 
her,  or  any  other  single  gentleman,  before  she  had  even 
fixed  her  odious  affections  upon  me.  They  were  quite 
oppressive,  annoying,  tormenting.  She  would  be  sure 
to  get  her  seat  beside  me  at  table,  or  at  least  as  near  as 
circumstances  would  permit ; and  finding  that  I had  a 
preference  for  certain  of  the  eatables,  she  would  con- 
tinually vex  me  with  offers  and  solicitations,  that  I would 
allow  her  to  help  me  to  such  and  such  delicate  titbits, 
which  she  was  sure  I was  fond  of,  and  which,  if  I hap- 
pened to  be  a little  late,  she  avered  she  had  some  on  pur- 
pose for  me. 

And  then  knowing  that  I was  fond  of  reading,  she 
would  take  pains  to  procure  certain  books  for  my  espe- 


THE  PERILS  OF  PEARL  STREET. 


183 


cial  use — particularly  such  as  were  filled  with  love  and 
matrimony — which  she  insisted  upon  it  I must  read. 
And  then  she  would  talk  most  romantically,  and  ask  me 
if  I was  fond  of  moon-light  walks,  and  mountain  scenes, 
and  water  views.  And  then  she  would  play  the  piano, 
and  sing  Moore’s  songs  as  melodiously  as  a screech- 
owl.  And  then  she  would  sigh  as  odoriferously  as  the 
wind  passing  over  a bed  of  garlicks. 

But  why  need  I mention  all  her  fond  attempts  on  my 
heart?  Suffice  it  to  say,  they  were  intolerable  ; and  I 
bade  adieu  to  the  lovely  Laura,  to  small-clothes,  and 
Mrs.  Starchy,  at  the  same  time — inwardly  vowing  to 
myself  that  I would  never  again  be  caught  at  a board- 
ing-house, where  the  landlady  prescribed  breeches,  and 
her  fair  cousins  and  nieces  aspired  to  the  privilege  of 
wearing  them. 


THE  PERILS  OF  PEARL  STREET. 


185 


CHAPTER  XXV. 


Showing  that  poverty  and  pride  are  sometimes  very  near  relatives. 

To  resume  the  course  of  my  history — from  which  I 
have  retrograded  a little,  out  of  compliment  to  Mrs. 
Starchy  and  her  fair  relatives,  I could  not  bring  myself 
to  accept  any  father’s  offer  of  a thousand  dollars,  nor  my 
mother’s  invitation  to  marry  the* lovely  Mary ; though 
money  was  of  all  things  that  which  I most  wanted,  and 
though  Mary  Dawson  was  of  all  women  the  very  one 
whom  I would  have  chosen  to  marry.  I say,  I could 
not  briqg  myself  to  accept  these  things,  which  my  fin- 
gers were  itching  for — and  all  because,  in  so  doing,  I 
must  have  humbled  my  pride  so  far  as  to  have  ieturned 
to  Spreadaway. 

I despise  a purse-proud  man.  Of  all  odious  beings 
he  is  one  of  the  most  hateful.  Give  me  any  sort  of 
aristocracy  before  a monied  one.  An  aristocracy  of 
learning  -T-  an  aristocracy  of  wit ; an  aristocracy  of  vir- 
tue ; in  short,  an  aristocracy  of  talents,  or  good  qualities 
17 


186 


THE  PERILS  OF  PEARL  STREET. 


of  any  kind,  is  the  only  one  which  is  endurable — is  the 
only  one  which  is  rational  proper. 

In  relation  to  pride,  however,  though  insufferably 
odious  in  a rich  man,  it  is  very  excusable  in  a poor  one. 
Excusable  did  I say?  Nay,  it  is  absolutely  necessary, 
in  many  cases,  to  preserve  his  honor,  to  defend  him  from 
the  world’s  scorn,  to  secure  him  from  purse-proud  inso- 
lence, to  prevent  him  from  being  trampled  in  the  dust. 

But  this  pride  is  sometimes  carried  too  far  ; and,  from 
being  a virtue  when  possessed  in  moderation,  it  becomes 
a vice  by  its  very  excess.  How  far  I may  have  erred 
in  this  respect,  I will  not  at  present  stop  to  decide ; but 
merely  say,  that  the  result  of  my  debate  on  my  father’s 
offer  and  my  mother’s  invitation,  was,  that  I would  not 
yet  return  to  Spreadaway,  though  twenty  thousand  dol- 
lars were  offered  me,  and  though  twenty  Mary  Daw- 
stfns  stood  ready  to  welcome  my  return.  Alas ! into 
what  extravagance  will  not  poverty  and  pride  drive  a 
man  ? 

While  I was  yet  in  doubt  what  course  to  pursue,  and 
was  strolling  in  a despondent  mind,  through  Pearl  street, 
like  a ghost  wandering  over  the  scene  of  its  former  ex- 
istence, I came  plump  up  against  some  living  substance ; 
and  on  looking  up,  I perceived  before  me  my  old  ene- 
my Peter  Funk.  He  appeared  the  same  identical  plump, 
self-complacent,  consequential  little  rascal  I had  former- 
ly known  him.  He  did  not  seem  a day  older.  There 


THE  PERILS  OF  PEARL  STREET. 


187 


'he  stood,  with  his  snuff-box  in  his  hand,  and  a malicious 
grin  on  his  face,  as  much  to  say,  Well ! well ! Master 
Hazard,  you’re  doubtless  pretty  well  punished  by  this 
time  for  rejecting  the  services  ol  Peter  Funk. 

I stepped  aside,  and  attempted  to  pass  without  noticing 
him,  when  he  also  stepped  aside  the  same  way,  so  as  to 
stand  again  directly  before  me.  This  was  too  provoking. 
I raised  my  foot  therefore,  and  was  about  letting  drive'full 
at  the  belly  of  the  rascal,  when,  offering  me  his  open 
snuff-box,  he  said,  with  an  air  of  mock  compassion, 
“ Come,  take  a pinch  of  comfort,  Master  Hazard.  This 
is  excellent mackaboy — Lorillard’sbest.  Fie!  fie!  sir, 
don’t  look  so  desponding.  What ! man,  do  you  go  mop 
ing  about  the  streets,  with  your  head  down,  forgetful  of 
your  old  acquaintance?  and  all  because  of  a second 
failure?  Pooh!  sir,  it  is  nothing  to  fail  twice.  Every 
merchant  in  Pearl  street  has  failed  at  least  three  times, 
and  some  seven  or  eight.  A failure  is  nothing — it  is 
the  only  way  to  get  rich,  man.  Never  despond ; but 
commence  business  again.  Open  a new  store.  I’ll  do 
all  I can  to  assist  you  in  the  way  of  business — particu- 
larly at  the  auctions.  You  know  I’m  your  friend 
of  old. 

“ Get  out  of  my  way,  you  little  devil  you  ! said  I,  giv- 
ing him  a smart  kick,  which  sent  him  topsy-turvy  over 
a bale  of  domestic  goods.  Before  he  could  recover  him- 
self, I was  pretty  well  out  of  his  way ; but  I heard  him 


188 


THE  PERILS  OF  PEARL  STREET. 


bawling  after  me,  and  swearing  I would  never  get  rich 
in  the  world,  while  I was  so  neglectful  of  his  good 
offices. 

I held  Peter  in  the  greatest  contempt,  as  I did,  and 
always  have  done,  all  manner  of  false  knaves ; never- 
theless I would  willingly  have  taken  his  advice,  so  far 
as  to  embark  a third  time  in  trade,  had  I well  known 
how  to  accomplish  it : for,  in  truth.  I began,  not  only  to 
be  tired  of  the  useless  manner  in  which  I was  spending 
my  time,  but  also  to  be  heartily  ashamed  of  my  despon- 
dency and  want  of  enterprise.  In  a word,  I began  to 
be  desirous  of  again  embarking  in  trade. 

But  the  means— what  was  I to  do  for  want  of  means? 

46  Why,  do  as  others  do,”  said  Peter  Funk,  who,  as  I 
was  alone  in  my  room,  revolving  the  subject  in  my  mind, 
and  perhaps  uttering  my  thoughts  aloud,  all  at  once 
stood  before  me. 

“ How  came  you  in  here  ?”  said  I,  at  the  same  time 
making  a demonstration  with  my  foot  to  eject  him. 

“I  came  in  at  the  door,”  said  he,  “ I — ” 

“ Very  well,  you  shall  go  out  at  the  window.”  As  I 
said  this,  I took  him  up,  as  I would  a cat,  and  tossed 
him  through  the  open  casement.  Then  immediately 
recollecting  that  my  room  was  four  stories  high,  I 
thought  to  myself,  I have  killed  the  little  devil ; and 
rushing  to  the  window,  to  see,  I beheld  him  bounding 


THE  PERILS  OF  PEARL  STREET. 


189 


like  a foot  ball ; when,  lighting  on  his  feet,  and  a great 
crowd  gathering  round  him,  I saw  him  no  more. 

“ Do  as  others  do  ?”  said  I to  myself,  “ true  enough, 
why  not?  Others  fail  and  commence  business  again 
without  a penny : and  why  may  not  I ? But  the  impu- 
dence— where  shall  I obtain  the  impudence  to  ask  for 
credit  on  goods  in  my  present  circumstances?  It  will 
never  do — never.” 


17’ 


■ 


. 


THE  PERILS  OF  PEARL  STREET 


191 


CHAPTER  XXVI. 


Proving  conclusively  that  uncurrent  money  is  not  to  he  despised. 


While  my  circumstances  and  my  prospects  were  thus 
desperate,  I went  one  day  into  a broker’s  office  to  get 
current  money  for  a western  bill,  which  happened  to  be 
five  per  cent  below  par.  It  was  my  last  ten  dollars. 

“ Shan’t  I sell  you  a ticket  to-day  ?”  said  the  broker, 
who  also  kept  a lottery  office. 

“I  never  dabble  in  those  things,”  said  I— “ I never 
bought  a ticket  in  my  life.” 

“ Then  you’ve  never  been  in  the  road  to  fortune.” 

£‘  True  enough,  but  I’ve  been  in  the  road  to  misfor- 
tune.” 

“ Well,  that  you  may  not  miss  fortune  any  longer,” 
said  he— for,  like  all  his  tribe,  he  was  notorious,  not  only 
for  puffiing  but  punning — “ I advise  you  to  purchase  a 
ticket.” 

“ I’ve  no  faith  in  them.” 

“We  take  uncurrent  money  for  tickets.” 

“ But  that  will  not  benefit  me,  if  I lose.” 


192 


THE  PERILS  OF  PEARL  STREET. 


“Lose!  whew!  there’s  no  such  thing  in  the  book.” 

“ What  hook?” 

“Why  the — hem! — the  hook  of  fate  I mean— =why,. 
sir,  the  scheme  is  particularly  rich — uncommonly  so. 
There  are  not  above  two  blanks  to  a prize.  The  highest 
prize  is  fifty  thousand  dollars — and  we  sell  all  the  high 
prizes.” 

“ What  is  the  price  of  tickets?” 

“ Only  ten  dollars.  Shall  I give  you  a ticket  in  ex- 
change for  the  bill?  You  will  save  the  discount  in  that 
way.” 

True,  but  I shall  be  rather  short  of  cash.” 

“ Half  a ticket  then  ?” 

“ No— it’s  more  than  I can  afford  to  lose.  A quarter 
will  do.” 

“But  you  will  not  expect  me  to  give  current  money 
for  the  balance  ?” 

“ Of  course — otherwise  I don’t  take  the  ticket.’* 

“ Umph! — well,  no  matter — it  takes  sadly  from  my 
profits — but  I’m  set  upon  selling  you  a prize.  Have 
you  any  choice  in  the  numbers?” 

“ Choice ! no — one  number  is  as  good  as  aitother  to 
throw  away  money  upon.” 

I took  the  first  quarter  I came  to,  and  thrusting  it 
carelessly  into  my  pocket,  left  the  office.  The  lottery 
drew  the  same  day ; but  I thought  so  little  of  my  ticket, 
that  it  was  not  until  some  days  afterwards,  when  my  mo- 


THE  PERILS  OF  PEARL  STREET. 


193 


ney  was  entirely  spent,  that  it  came  into  my  head  to  in- 
quire the  result  of  my  adventure.  I was  surprised.  The 
blind  goddess  had  been  astonishingly  favorable.  She 
had  showered  money  into  my  lap— -no  less  than  a quar- 
ter of  the  highest  prize. 

Oh  that  I had  purchased  a whole  ticket ! said  I to  my- 
self, as  I left  the  lottery  office,  with  my  pockets  full  of 
bank  bills — Oh  that  I had  purchased  a whole  ticket,  in- 
stead of  that  good-for-nothing  quarter ! — And  yet  if  I 
had,  thought  I,  on  further  reflection,  I should  probably 
have  drawn  a blank — at  all  events  I should  have  got  no 
part  of  the  highest  prize.  On  the  whole,  perhaps,  it  is 
as  well  as  it  is. 

In  truth,  I had  good  reason  to  be  satisfied.  After 
taking  out  the  envious  discount  of  fifteen  per  cent — 
which  makes  such  an  enormous  inroad  into  all  lottery 
prizes — I had  ten  thousand  six  hundred  and  twenty-five 
dollars  left.  With  the  odd  six  hundred  and  twenty-five, 
I paid  all  my  individual  debts,  and  replenished  my 
wardrobe,  which  had  begun  by  this  time  to  be  very  bare. 
As  to  the  company  debts,  said  I,  both  of  the  first  and 
the  last  firm,  they  must  wait  till  I get  rich,  when  I will 
pay  at  least  my  share  of  them — nay,  should  I be  rich 
enough,  I will  pay  the  whole.  At  present,  I must  keep 
the  ten  thousand  to  trade  upon. 

So  great  had  been  my  luck  this  time,  that  I felt 
strongly  tempted  to  adventure  again  in  the  lottery.  But 


194 


THE  PERILS  OF  PEARL  STREET. 


no,  said  I to  myself  on  reflection,  I will  be  content  with 
this.  I will  husband  my  present  means  ; I will  make 
good  use  of  the  blessings  of  heaven  already  accorded  me, 
lest  by  venturing  further  I lose  the  whole. 

The  blessing  of  heaven,  did  I say  ? There  are  some 
good  men,  who  profess  to  doubt  whether  money  obtained 
by  lottery  will  ever  be  followed  by  the  blessing  of  hea- 
ven. It  is  sinful,  say  they,  and  “What  comes  over  the 
devil’s  back,  will  be  sure  to  go  under  his  belly.” 

It  shall  not  all  go  under  his  belly,  thought  I : and  so 
I paid  the  individual  debts  above  mentioned,  and  equipt 
myself  with  a new  suit  of  clothes  before  I slept.  The 
rest  of  the  money  I put  under  lock  and  key,  resolving 
the  very,  next  day  to  lay  it  out  in  goods.  During  the 
night  I dreamt  of  nothing  but  cash.  At  one  time  I 
thought  I had  a hundred  thousand  dollars,  in  hard 
money;  and  more  was  every  minute  pouring  in  upon 
me:  insomuch  that  my  greatest  trouble  was  to  know 
where  to  put  it.  Then  again  it  all  vanished.  The 
gold  and  the  silver  turned  to  paper,  the  paper  turned  to 
dust,  and  the  wind  swept  it  away. 

Thank  heaven  ! said  I,  as  I awoke,  it  is  nothing  but  a 
dream.  Nevertheless  the  first  thing  I did  in  the  morn- 
ing, after  dressing  myself,  was,  to  see  whether  my  money 
was  safe.  I found  it  all  precisely  as  I had  left  it.  Every 
dollar  was  there.  Fie ! said  I to  myself,  what  ridicu- 
lous superstition  is  this,  which  fancies  that  money,  got^ 


THE  PERILS  OF  PEARL  STREET.  195 

ten  in  a lottery,  will  not  stick  by  one ! Why,  for  the 
matter  of  that,  what  is  mercantile  business,  but  a lottery  ? 
nay,  a game  of  hazard,  in  which  some  who  venture  little 
win  much,  and  others  who  venture  a good  deal  lose  all  ? 

But  this  ten  thousand  dollars — I’ll  try  once  more. 
I'll  not  be  driven  from  Pearl  street  without  another  effort. 
So  said,  so  done.  I laid  out  my  money  in  merchandize, 
got  credit  for  four  times  that  amount,  and  for  the  third 
time  commenced  wholesale  dealer  in  dry  goods. 

I now  determined  to  do  business  entirely  alone.  Part- 
nership, I had  often  heard  my  father  say,  was  a bad 
ship  to  embark  in.  I had  already  tried,  first  two,  and 
then  three  partners,  and  had  failed  both  times.  Not  that 
l had  any  particular  reason  to  find  fault  with  either  of 
them.  But  I now  resolved,  as  the  man  fought  at  York- 
town,  to  go  “ upon  my  own  hook.”  If  I get  rich,  said  I3 
the  money  will  all  be  mine.  If  I fail— ah  ! there’s  the 
rub.  But  I do  not  intend  to  fail  this  time.  I have 
grown  wise  by  experience ; and  it  is  pity  I should  not 
weather  the  point  this  bout. 


* 


' 


-■  (•'  •• 

■ 


' 


THE  PERILS  OF  PEARL  STREET. 


197 


CHAPTER  XXVII. 


Which  shows  that  even  a razor  may  he  too  sharp. 

If  I entered  upon  business  the  third  time  with  high 
hopes,  and.  as  I thought,  flattering  prospects,  I had  no 
reason  for  some  time  to  he  dissatisfied  with  the  results. 
I did  a respectable  share  of  business,  and,  as  far  as  I 
could  discover,  a profitable  and  safe  one.  I had  learned 
something  by  experience.  I became  more  cautious 
than  formerly  whom  I trusted.  Where  the  parties 
were  unknown  to  me,  I required  the  best  of  recommen- 
dations : thinking  it  better  now  and  then  to  lose  a cus- 
tomer, and  so  save  my  goods,  than  to  win  a customer 
with  the  imminent  hazard  of  losing  them. 

Thus  I went  on,  doing  business  with  the  most  prudent 
caution,  and  making  myself  secure,  as  I believed,  of 
losing  little  or  nothing.  But,  alas ! what  degree  of 
caution,  what  amount  of  foresight,  is  sufficient  to  guard 
a man  against  losses  ? 

Some  of  those,  who  had  been  my  former  customers, 

both  under  the  firms  of  Launch  & Hazard,  and  of 

18 


i98 


THE  PERILS  OF  PEARL  STREET. 


Hazard,  Griffin  & Co.,  and  had  never  failed  to  meet 
their  payments,  now  broke,  and  subjected  me  to  consi- 
derable loss.  Others,  who  came  with  undoubted  recom 
mendations,  not  only  of  character  but  of  perfect  respon- 
sibility, likewise  failed.  These,  in  every  instance,  how- 
ever, paid  me  something. 

But  there  was  one  case  in  which,  by  the  foulest  of  all 
tricks  of  trade,  I suffered  severely.  A respectable  look- 
ing merchant,  from  Connecticut,  came  to  me,  accompa. 
nied  by  Richard  Razor,  a well-known  dealer  in  hard- 
ware and  cutlery,  in  Pearl  street.  He  was  introduced 
as  a merchant  from  the  land  of  “steady  habits,”  where 
people  always  pay  their  debts.  He  wished  to  purchase 
a c onsiderable  bill  of  dry  goods,  on  the  usual  credit. 

I received  him  politely  of  course,  assured  him  I should 
be  very  happy  of  his  custom,  and  acknowledged  that 
the  recommendation  of  so  good  a man  as  Mr.  Razor 
was  sufficient  to  obtain  a man  credit  the  world  over. 
This  I said  partly  in  the  way  of  gentlemanly  politeness  ; 
but,  in  truth,  I considered  the  introduction  of  a purchaser, 
by  a merchant  of  such  standing  as  the  hardware  dealer, 
to  be  perfectly  satisfactory ; and  I should  not  have  hesi- 
tated to  trust  him  to  any  reasonable  amount. 

Nevertheless,  I thought  it  no  harm  to  inquire  of 
neighbor  Razor  a little  more  circumstantially  into  the 
condition  of  his  friend.  Wherefore,  taking  him  to  the 
other  end  of  my  store,  under  pretence  of  showing  him 


THE  PERILS  OF  PEARL  STREET. 


199 


some  remarkably  fine  broadcloth,  I asked  him  if  he  was 
well  acquainted  with  Mr.  Griggs,  the  merchant  from 
Connecticut. 

“ Oh,  perfectly,”  said  he — “ I know  him  as  well  as 
I know  you,  and  a great  deal  better  for  that  matter.” 

“ Has  he  been  long  engaged  in  trade  ?” 

“ Oh,  yes,  for  several  years.” 

“You  have  dealt  with  him  more  or  less,  I suppose?” 
“ Dealt ! indeed  I have,  thousands  of  dollars.” 
“Repays  punctually,  of  course?” 

“ There’s  no  mistake  about  that.” 

“ You  would’ nt  think  there  was  any  danger  in  trust- 
ing him  to  the  amount  of  a thousand  dollars,  would 
you  ?” 

“ Danger  ! I tell  you,  friend  Hazard,  on  the  word  of 
a man  of  honor,  I’ve  trusted  him  to  more  than  twice  that 
amount.” 

“ And  if  a man  of  your  prudence  and  sagacity  trusts 
him,  surely  there  is  no  occasion  for  me  to  hesitate.” 

“ There  is  no  mistake  about  that.” 

Mr.  Razor  took  his  leave,  and  I congratulated  myself 
very  highly  on  the  acquisition  of  my  new  customer. 
These  Connecticut  people,  said  I,  always  pay ; besides 
a man  w'hom  Razor  trusts,  must  be  good  indeed. 

Mr.  Griggs  was  disposed  to  deal  largely ; and  for 
my  part,  I was  quite  as  much  inclined  to  sell  as  he  was 
to  purchase.  In  a word,  he  took  this  thing,  and  that, 


200 


THE  PERILS  OF  PEARL  STREET 


and  the  other,  in  such  generous  quantities,  that  his  bill 
amounted  to  nearly  two  thousand  dollars.  The  goods 
were  delivered  on  board  the  steamboat,  and  he  gave  me 
his  note  for  six  months. 

I was  particularly  well  pleased  with  my  trade.  This 
Mr.  Griggs  is  an  excellent  customer,  said  I.  He  buys 
liberally,  and  says  little  or  nothing  about  the  price.  1 
wish  I had  a thousand  such  customers. 

But  if  such  was  my  wish  at  that  time,  I had  reason  to 
wish  differently  two  days  afterwards:  for  I was  inform- 
ed that  my  friend  Razor  had  followed  Mr.  Griggs,  and 
as  soon  as  the  goods  I had  sold  him  were  fairly  landed 
in  Connecticut,  seized  them  by  a writ  of  attachment,  for 
the  payment  of  a long-standing  debt,  which  he  could  not 
otherwise  obtain. 

“ I’ll  not  believe  a word  of  it,  said  I.  Friend  Razor 
would  not  treat  me  thus.  He  would  not  be  guilty  of 
such  villany.  If  he  has  no  conscience,  his  own  interest, 
his  reputation  would  restrain  him. 

“ Ha  ! ha ! ha !”  roared  a voice  a few  feet  from  me. 
I turned  to  look,  and  there  was  Peter  Funk,  grinning 
more  maliciously  than  I had  ever  seen  him  before. 

Ha!  ha!  ha!  repeated  he — “there’s  where  you’re 
mistaken,  friend  Hazard.  No  man,  who  understands 
his  interest,  would  stick  at  playing  a like  game.  Razor 
now  is  a wise  and  prudent  merchant ; and  the  conduct 
you  are  so  ready  to  cry  out  against,  is  merely  one  of  the 


THE  PERILS  OF  PEARL  STREET. 


201 


tricks  of  trade.  Fie  ! fie,  man ! you  are  quite  too  sim- 
ple, too  honest,  too  unsophisticated.” 

“Is  it  true  then,  that — but  you’re  so  great  a liar, 
there’s  no  depending  upon  you.  I’ll  go  and  see  Razor 
myself.” 

As  I said  this,  I posted  away  to  the  store  of  the  hard- 
ware merchant,  and  taxed  him  with  what  I had  heard. 
He  did  not  deny  it;  and  when  I asked  him  with  what 
face  he  could  think  of  deceiving  me  thus  1 he  put  his 
hand  on  my  shoulder  and  exclaimed,  “ My  dear  sir,  I 
hope  you  won’t  take  any  offence.  What  I did  was  all 
in  the  way  of  trade.” 

“ In  the  way  of  trade !”  exclaimed  I ; and  as  I shook 
his  hand  from  my  shoulder,  by  some  accident  or  other 
my  foot  came  against  his  supporters  in  such  a manner 
as  to  strike  them  from  under  him,  when  he  fell  with  his 
back  across  the  edge  of  a frying-pan,  which  happened 
to  stand  just  in  the  way.  The  fall  was  a hard  one,  and 
the  material  upon  which  he  fell  was  hard,  as  well  as 
rather  sharp. 

At  first  I was  afraid  he  was  dead.  The  breath  cer- 
tainly was  pretty  fairly  knocked  out  of  him.  At  length, 
however,  he  began  to  recover — I mean  to  recover  his 
breathing — for  as  to  the  effects  of  the  fall,  he  has  never 
recovered  from  them  to  this  day.  The  spine,  somewhere 
about  the  small  of  his  back,  was  so  severely  injured,  that 
18* 


202  THE  PERILS  OF  PEARL  STREET. 

he  has  never  been  able  to  stand  np  straight  since;  and 
he  still  continues  to  hobble  about  upon  crutches,  in  a 
manner  not  to  he  envied,  though  offset  with  the  gain  of 
two  thousand  dollars. 

But  my  friend  Razor  was  not  satisfied  with  this  gain. 
He  resolved  upon  fleecing  me  still  further,  in  the  shape 
of  damages  on  account  of  his  broken  hack.  According- 
ly he  brought  his  action  for  twenty  thousand  dollars ; 
and  so  sure  was  he  of  winning,  that — as  it  appeared  in 
evidence — he  had  said  to  his  surgeon,  “ Lay  it  on,  doc- 
tor ! — lay  it  on— make  out  a good  round  bill.  I’ll  let 
the  rascal  know  he  shan’t  break  a man’s  back  for  no- 
thing.” 

Thus  instructed,  the  doctor  was  not  at  all  backward 
about  laying  it  on,  which  he  did  to  the  amount  of 
nearly  five  hundred  dollars.  But  Mr.  Razor  here 
proved  too  sharp  for  himself,  having  to  learn  to  his  cost, 
that  it  is  one  thing  to  sue  for  damages,  and  another  to  re- 
cover them.  In  this  case,  he  failed  in  one  very  material 
point,  namely,  that  of  evidence.  Nobody  had  seen  my 
foot  strike  his.  He  might  have  fallen  across  the  frying- 
pan  of  his  own  accord,  for  what  the  court  and  jury  knew. 
And  so  the  plaintiff  was  nonsuited. 

I,  on  my  part,  had  brought  a cross  action  for  the  value 
of  the  goods  sold  to  the  Connecticut  merchant.  But, 
like  my  antagonist,  I also  failed  in  the  material  point  of 


THE  PERILS  OF  PEARL  STREET. 


203 


evidence.  As  nobody  had  seen  me  trip  him  up,  so  the 
same  universal  nobody  had  heard  him  recommend  the 
Connecticut  merchant.  I therefore,  like  my  antagonist, 
gained  nothing,  but  the‘  loss  of  my  suit. 


' : 


;V, 


■ 


THE  PERILS  OF  PEARL  STREET 


205 


CHAPTER  XXVIII 


From  which  the  reader  may  learn  to  be  cautious  how  he  lends 
his  name. 

Here  were  two  thousand  dollars  gone,  besides  a pretty 
round  sum  which  I paid  in  court  fees,  attorneys’  fees, 
and  counsellors’  fees — making,  in  all,  the  considerable 
amount  of  two  thousand  five  hundred  dollars.  But  the 
hardware  dealer  was  not  the  hardest  rogue  I found  in 
Pearl  street. 

I had  been  in  the  practice,  as  I have  already  men- 
tioned, of  lending  my  name  to  the  use  of  Gumption 
& Plunket,  and  receiving  the  benefit  of  theirs  in  return. 
This  was  sometimes  done  by  endorsing  their  notes,  and 
sometimes  by  lending  them  my  own — a practice  not  at 
all  uncommon  in  a mercantile  community. 

Gumption  & Plunket  had  failed,  as  well  as  I.  But 
being  again  on  their  legs,  and  doing  a more  extensive 
business  than  ever,  I had  renewed  my  arrangement  with 
them  for  the  reciprocal  use  of  their  name.  It  was  some- 


206 


THE  PERILS  OF  PEARL  STREET. 


thing  like  a year  after  commencing  business  the  last 
time,  that  1 had  lent  them  my  note  for  one  thousand  dol- 
lars, payable  three  months  after  date.  I had  no  doubt 
they  would  take  it  up  the  moment  it  was  due  ; and  I 
heard  no  more  of  it  until  within  fifteen  minutes  of  three 
o’clock  on  the  last  day  of  grace  ; when  Gumption  came 
running  to  me,  nearly  out  of  breath,  and  begged  I would 
renew  my  note,  for  it  was  utterly  out  of  his  power  to  pay 
it  that  day,  having  been  sorely  disappointed  in  some 
money  which  he  expected  at  two  o’clock,  but  which  had 
not  yet  come. 

“ Well,  Mr.  Gumption,”  said  I,  “ this  is  rather  a late 
hour.  It  is  difficult  to  turn  one’s  self  in  so  short  a 
space.  You  should  have  looked  out  sooner.” 

“ Why,  so  I would,”  replied  he,  in  the  softest  and 
most  insinuating  tone  ; “ but  I had’nt  the  smallest  sus- 
picion but  what  I should  have  received  the  money  at 
two  o’clock,  as  I mentioned  ; and  so  I waited,  and  wait- 
ed— you  know  we  are  all  liable  to  be  deceived.  But 
there  is’nt  a moment  to  lose.  If  you’ll  just  set  your  hand 
to  this  note,  which  I’ve  got  already  drawn,  you’ll  do  me 
a thousand  favors,  besides  enabling  me  to  take  up  your 
other  note  forthwith.” 

I did  as  he  desired.  But  what  was  my  astonishment 
the  next  day,  to  find  myself  served  with  a protest ! I 
knew  the  infernal  notary  at  sight — having  before  suffer- 
ed, through  his  agency.  Besides  the  very  outside  ap- 


THE  PERILS  OF  PEARL  STREET. 


207 


pearance  of  the  bit  of  paper  he  handed  me,  as  it  was 
folded  up,  had  a condemning  look. 

41  What  does  this  mean?”  said  I.  “ My  notes  are  all 
paid — I owe  no  hank  any  thing.” 

“ Perhaps  you’ll  think  differently,”  said  he,  coolly, 
“ on  perusal  of  that  paper.” 

I tore  it  open,  and  lo  ! the  truth  stared  me  in  the  face. 
It  was  a protest  for  the  non-payment  of  my  note  of  one 
thousand  dollars,  -which  I supposed  Gumption  & Plun- 
ket  had  taken  up  the  day  before.  Here  was  a pretty 
piece  of  business  indeed ! It  was  thus  I got  served  for 
doing  an  act  of  kindness.  My  name  was  dishonored  by 
being  lent  to  the  use  of  my  neighbors  ! 

But  this  was  not  the  worst  of  it ; for  it  turned  out, 
that  Gumption  & Plunket  had  got  my  last  note  discount- 
ed at  some  other  bank,  and  had  put  the  money  in  their 
own  pocket.  But  neither  was  this  the  worst — for  in  two 
days  afterwards  they  failed,  and  I had  both  notes  to  pay 
— making  another  clear  loss  of  two  thousand  dollars. 


■ 


THE  PERILS  OF  PEARL  STREET. 


209 


CHAPTER  XXIX. 


Which  shows  that  a young  rogue  may  chance  never  to  he  an 
old  one.  ’ 


In  addition  to  other  losses,  I suffered  not  a little  by 
the  dishonesty  of  one  of  my  clerks.  He  was  a very 
young  man,  and  in  England  would  have  been  called 
and  treated  as  an  apprentice.  But,  in  America,  our  boys 
are  more  precocious.  They  have  hardly  laid  aside 
their  bibs,  short  jackets,  and  falling  collars,  before  they 
are  desirous  of  figuringas  men,  and  usurping  the  place 
of  their  elders. 

But  if  this  precocious  ambition  discovered  itself  merely 
in  aspiring  to  the  place  or  the  wages  of  their  elders, 
though  sufficiently  arrogant,  little  real  harm  perhaps 
would  come  of  it.  These  doughty  youngsters,  how- 
ever, are  not  apt  to  be  so  confined  in  their  desires.  Not 
only  do  they  aspire  to  the  appointments — to  the  offiee 
and  emoluments  of  a man ; but  they  are  ambitious  like- 
wise of  running  into  all  the  expenses  and  pleasures  of  "a 

man.  But  whether  they  get  the  wages  of  more  mature 
19 


210 


THE  PERILS  OF  PEARL  STREET. 


years  and  experience,  or  not,  they  are  none  the  less  emu- 
lous of  aspiring  the  pleasures^the  show,  and  the  expense 
of  their  elders. 

They  are  ambitious  to  prove  their  manhood  to  the  ut- 
termost. They  must  show  themselves  to  be  fellows  of 
some  consequence  among  the  softer  sex.  They  must 
have  their  amours.  They  must  be  lovers,  as  well  as 
men.  But  what  kind  of  lovers  % 

Pah ! you  shall  hear  one  of  these  precocious  rakes, 
from  sixteen  to  eighteen,  boasting  of  his  progress  in  the 
path  of  the  libertine ; recapitulating  his  achievements  in 
licentious  love ; and  talking,  with  all  the  skill  of  a con- 
noisseur, of  the  charms  and  perfections  of  the  mercenary 
beauties  of  the  metropolis. 

But  it  is  not  boasting  and  talking  only.  Their  amo- 
rous experience  very  soon  discovers  itself  in  empty 
pockets  and  mined  constitutions.  In  short,  these  aspir- 
ing  young  fellows  become  old  rakes,  before  they  have 
fairly  reached  twenty-one.  But  this  cannot  come  to  pass 
without  expending  considerable  money. 

To  this  is  apt  to  be  added  the  practice  of  gaming,  in 
one  form  or  other,  and  to  a greater  or  less  degree: 
sometimes  at  cards;  sometimes  at  dice;  sometimes  at 
billiards ; sometimes  at  the  roulette  table ; and  sometimes 
in  the  lotteries. 

With  these  are  united  other  bad  practices  of  various 


THE  PERILS  OF  PEARL  STREET.  211 

kinds— for  each  vice  and  folly  is  generally  sure  to  have 
its  brothers  ; and  they  are  not  only  a numerous,  but  they 
are  also  a ruinous,  band.  They  require  money.  They 
pick  the  pocket  of  the  clerk  and  the  apprentice ; and  the 
clerk  and  apprentice  are  sometimes  driven  to  pick  the 
pocket  of  their  employer,  or  master. 

My  clerk  above-mentioned,  whose  name  was  George 
Gilson,  was,  as  I have  said,  a very  young  man.  He 
had  been  in  the  employ  of  another  house,  which,  having 
failed,  had  no  further  use  for  him.  He  came  to  me  at 
about  the  age  of  eighteen,  and  perfectly  well  recom- 
mended. He  was  an  active  and  intelligent  youngster  j 
a good  salesman,  a good  penman,  and  a good  accountant. 

I discovered,  however,  that  he  was  not  fond  of  devot- 
ing his  leisure  hours  to  reading,  to  attendance  on  the 
lectures  at  Clinton  Hall,  and  to  other  means  of  cultivat- 
ing his  mind.  Had  he  been  so,  I should  have  esteemed 
him  more.  I should  have  considered  these  rational 
modes  of  employing  his  leisure,  as  so  many  safeguards 
to  his  moral  habits,  and  so  many  pledges  to  the  purity 
and  integrity  of  his  character. 

Nevertheless,  as  it  was,  I placed  great  confidence  in 
him.  He  was  a useful  clerk ; and  though  I gave  him 
but  four  hundred  dollars  per  annum,  his  services  seemed 
to  me  scarcely  less  valuable  than  those  of  my  senior 
clerk,  whose  salary  was  twice  that  sum.  But  I was 
not  then  aware  of  all  he  was  likely  to  cost  me.  I had 


212 


THE  PERILS  OF  PEARL  STREET. 


no  doubts  of  his  honesty,  until  he  had  been  in  my  employ 
for  more  than  a year.  I thought,  indeed,  that  more 
goods  had  gone  out  of  the  shop  than  I had  got  pay  for 
or  had  any  account  of.  But  I did  not  for  a moment  sus- 
pect the  rogue  to  be  one  my  own  household.  I thought 
it  was  some  external  thief;  and  I gave  George,  who 
slept  rin  the  store,  particular  charge  to  be  watchful 
against  shop-breakers,  and  especially  against  all  such 
gentry  as  used  false  keys 

Thus  matters  went  on ; goods  occasionally  disappear- 
ed; while  George  assured  me  that  he  watched  sharp, 
but  neither  shop-breaker  nor  thief  could  be  detected.  I 
did  not  yet  distrust  the  young  man ; but  thinking  he 
slept  too  soundly,  I determined  one  night  to  aid  his 
slumbering  vigilance  by  watching  myself.  I said  nothing 
of  this  to  George,  but  just  before  the  hour  of  closing,  I 
secreted  myself  behind  a bale  of  goods. 

There  I lay  ensconced  until  the  Middle  Dutch  struck 
eleven,  and  no  noise  was  heard  at  the  door,  and  no  sign 
of  a thief  appeared.  He’ll  come  by  and  by  thought  I. 
Thieves  seldom  begin  to  prowl  before  the  hour  of  ele- 
ven. I was  right.  He  did  soon  come.  But  he  came 
from  a quarter  1 did  not  expect.  He  came  down  stairs, 
in  the  person  of  my  honest  and  watchful  clerk,  George. 

The  young  man  brought  a light  with  him,  which 
setting  down,  he  presently  proceeded  to  business,  like 
one  who  has  got  his  plans  already  matured.  He  took 


THE  PERILS  OF  PEARL  STREET. 


213 


a large  empty  box,  which  he  began  to  fill  from  the  full 
ones,  taking  a single  piece  of  goods  out  of  each ; he  also 
did  the  same  with  sundry  bales — naturally  judging,  that 
a single  piece  would  not  be  readily  missed  from  so 
large  a quantity  as  a box  or  a bale. 

I said  nothing,  but  let  him  work;  though  an  involun- 
tary movement  of  mine  had  well  nigh  betrayed  me.  He 
looked  towards  the  place  where  I lay.  He  held  up  the 
candle  awhile  with  a doubtful  eye,  and  then  setting  it 
down,  exclaimed,  as  he  renewed  his  work,  “’Twas 
nothing  but  the  rats.” 

Having  filled  his  box,  he  nailed  it  up,  and  began  to 
tumble  it  towards  the  door,  which  he  opened,  and  rolled 
the  box  into  the  street.  I now  thought  it  time  to  bestir 
myself.  Rising  therefore  from  behind  my  bale  of  goods, 
I walked  on  tiptoe  to  where  George  was  standing  in  the 
door  and  making  a signal,  as  if  for  some  person  without 
to  approach.  I laid  my  hand  on  his  shoulder.  Hea- 
vens ! how  quick  he  fell ! Had  it  been  the  famed  load 
of  Atlas,  he  could  not  have  dropped  more  suddenly. 

Just  at  this  instant,  a man  with  a hand-cart  appeared. 
On  seeing  me,  he  wheeled  around,  and  was  about  making 
off,  when  I seized  him  by  the  shoulder.  “ What  is  your 
business  here,”  said  I,  “■  at  this  time  of  night  ?” 

“ Faith,  sir,”  he  replied,  with  an  Irish  brogue,  “ it’s 
no  business  at  all  I have  here,  wid  your  lave” — at  the 

same  time  endeavoring  to  escape. 

19* 


214 


THE  PERILS  OF  PEARL  STREET. 


“ What  are  you  here  for,  then  ?”  said  I,  still  holding 
fast. 

“ I’m  here  to  git  meself  intil  a divilish  bad  box,  I’m 
afraid.  But  it  was’nt  the  doins  iv  me  mother’s  son  at 
all  at  all.” 

“ But  why  are  you  here  ? and  what  have  you  to  do 
with  my  goods  ?” 

“I’ll  have  nothin  to  do  wid  them,  if  you’ll  let  me  go. 
But  the  case  is  jist  here,  Misther,  for  all  the  world : that 
young  gentleman,  that  lies  there  as  dead  as  a sthone,  he 
engaged  me  till  kim  here,  and  carry  a box  iv  goods  till 
Chatham  sthrate,  for  five  dollars,  which  is  pratty  good 
pay  for  a poor  Irishman.” 

“ To  Chatham  street,  ha  ?” 

“ Ay,  sir,  that  is  God’s  thruth — as  the  young  gintle- 
man  himself,  that’s  jist  now  kimin  to  life  agin,  can  tell 
you  iv  his  oun  accord — for  he’s  an  honest  man  sure,  or 
yer  honor  would’nt  thrust  him.” 

George  had  indeed  by  this  time  recovered  his  senses  : 
and  he  confirmed  what  the  Irishman  had  said.  He 
moreover  implored  me  to  let  the  latter  go,  as  he  had 
acted  solely  by  his  request,  being  tempted  by  the  very 
liberal  reward  he  had  offered  him. 

I did  as  he  requested ; but  first  took  the  name  of  the 
Hibernian,  with  the  number  of  his  cart,  that  I might 
hold  in  my  hands  the  power  of  correction,  should  I find 
it  necessary.  As  for  poor  George,  he  was  now  the 


THE  PERILS  OF  PEARL  STREET. 


215 


humblest,  if  not  the  most  abject,  of  mortals.  He  con- 
fessed that  he  had  been  for  a long  time  in  the  habit  of 
purloining  goods,  in  small  quantities,  which  he  had  dis- 
posed of  to  the  pawnbrokers,  and  to  such  other  receivers 
of  stolen  articles  as  would  advance  the  cash,  in  however 
small  sums;  but  he  declared  that  this  was  the  first  and 
only  time,  in  which  he  had  attempted  to  appropriate  so 
large  a quantity.  He  went  on  to  unfold  the  motives 
which  had  led  him  to  these  crimes.  They  originated 
in  extravagant  dress,  in  expensive  pleasures,  and  in 
gaming.  He  had  become  acquainted  with  other  youths 
of  similar  habits  and  dispositions ; and  was  thus  con- 
firmed in  his  outhreakings  of  folly  and  vice. 

The  salary  I allowed  him,  though  moderate,  was 
abundantly  sufficient  to  support  him  creditably.  But 
his  extravagant  and  vicious  hahits  required  larger 
means,  and  he  had  resorted  to  the  course  above  detailed, 
in  order  to  provide  them.  Such  were  the  motives,  and 
.such  the  criminal  course  of  my  clerk,  George.  His 
case,  I am  happy  to  say,  is  not  a common  one ; though 
there  is  far  too  much,  and  indeed  I may  .say,  an  unpar- 
donable extravagance  in  the  expenditures  and  amuse- 
ments of  many  youths  in  a similar  employment  and  situ- 
ation. 

To  conclude  with  George,  he  implored  me  not  to 
make  a public  example  of  him — not  to  expose  his  crime 
to  the  world.  He  did  not  ask  to  be  retained  in  my  ser- 


216 


THE  PERILS  OF  TEARL  STREET. 


vice;  he  acknowledged  that  he  had  rendered  himself 
utterly  unworthy  of  trust.  He  did  not  even  propose  to 
remain  in  the  city,  or  the  United  States.  His  plan  was 
to  emigrate  to  South  America,  where — having  already 
a smattering  of  Spanish — he  hoped  to  get  employment ; 
and,  if  his  secret  was  kept,  in  time,  to  outgrow  the  effects 
of  this  unpromising  commencement,  as  well  as  to  repay 
me  for  the  goods — amounting  to  something  like  eight 
hundred  dollars — which  he  had  from  time  to  time  ab- 
stracted from  my  premises. 

This  last  consideration  weighed  very  little  with  me, 
for  I cannot  say  I entertained  much  hopes  of  his 
amendment.  Nevertheless,  I had  no  desire  to  make  a 
public  example  of  the  youth,  well  knowing  that  the 
most  unlikely  way  in  the  world  of  reclaiming  a man,  is, 
to  disgrace  him.  I therefore  permitted  George  to  go, 
furnished  him  with  money  to  pay  his  passage  to  the 
Spanish  Main,  and  kept  his  secret. 

But,  alas ! how  difficult  is  reformation,  when  a series 
of  bad  habits  have  led  to  the  commission  of  crime  1 
Poor  George  1 all  my  clemency  was  thrown  away  upon 
him:  for,  in  less  than  a year,  news  was  received,  that 
he  was  captured  along  with  a nest  of  pirates,  in  the  Gulf 
of  Mexico,  and  suffered  the  last  award  of  human  law, 
in  company  with  half  a dozen  murderous  Spaniards, 
P6rtuguese,  and  other  robbers  of  the  sea. 


THE  PERILS  OF  PEARL  STREET 


217 


CHAPTER  XXX. 

Showing  how  a man  may  rob  himself  in  order  to  rob  another. 

But  my  losses  did  not  end  here.  I had  a hill  of 
about  fifteen  hundred  dollars  against  a merchant  in 
Ohio,  who  came  semi-annually  to  New- York,  to  pur- 
chase goods.  At  the  last  purchase,  he  had  got  an  ex- 
tension of  credit  for  the  previous  one,  hut  promised  me, 
on  his  sacred  word  and  honor,  that  I should  he  paid  the 
whole  amount  the  next  time  he  came  to  the  city. 

When  the|last  six  months  had  expired,  and  I was  now 
in  daily  expectation  of  this  money,  who  should  enter  my 
store,  indeed,  but  the  identical  Mr.  Corning,  the  Ohio 
merchant ; hut  with  a face  so  miserably  long  and  wo-be- 
gone,  that  I immediately  began  to  entertain  apprehen- 
sions for  the  fate  of  my  bill. 

“•  How  are  you,  Mr.  Corning?”  said  I,  extending  my 
hand  to  give  a cordial  shake  ; “ How  goes  the  world 
with  you  about  these  times?” 

“ Miserably,  miserably  enough  !”  he  groaned  out,  as 
he  gave  me  his  hand  with  his  fingers  thrust  straight 


218 


THE  PERILS  OF  TEARL  STREET, 


out,  like  the  tines  of  a fork — “ Miserable  enough,  Mr, 
Hazard.” 

“ I hope  you’re  well?” 

“ In  bodily  health  I am,  so  far  as  an  empty  stomach 
will  allow.” 

“ An  empty  stomach  ! Surely,  friend  Corning,  you 
cannot  Vant  food  in  New- York,  where  there  are  so 
many  hotels  and  eating-houses.” 

“But  the  means,  dear  sir — the  means — I have  not  a 
penny  in  the  world.  I — I — I’ve  been  robbed.” 

“Robbed!” 

“ Ay,  of  every  penny  I had  in  the  world.  I’m  totally 
ruined.” 

“ But  that  is  no  reason  why  you  should  go  without 
eating.  Come,  dine  with  me ; it  is  now  just  about  my 
dinner  hour.” 

“ I’m  much  obliged  to  you,  sir — you’re  very  kind, 
sir — but — ” 

“ Come,  no  excuses.” 

“I’m  so  much  indebted  to  you  already,  that — ” 

“ Never  mind  that  now.  Look  to  the  condition  of  the 
body  first,  and  attend  to  other  things  afterwards.” 

“ Thank  you,  sir— thank  you;  but  my  beard  is  so  long 
- — I hav’nt  had  a sixpence  to  pay  the  barber  with  since 
I was  robbed.” 

“ Here  are  my  razors— you  can  soon  be  smoothed.” 

“ And  then  such  a thing  as  a clean  shirt  I hav’nt  got 


THE  PERILS  OF  PEARL  STREET. 


219 


in  the  world.  My  trunk  and  all  its  contents  were 
taken.” 

“ But  that  need  not  deprive  you  of  a dinner,  for  I have 
an  extra  shirt  at  your  command !” 

Mr.  Corning  now  plied  the  razor  with  decided  advan- 
tage, removing,  as  I judged,  nearly  a week’s  crop.  Hav- 
ing got  his  face  smoothed,  and  put  on  my  clean  shirt,  he 
went  with  me  to  dinner,  where  he  did  such  execution  as 
to  render  his  story  of  long  fasting  exceedingly  probable. 

While  he  was  thus  advantageously  at  work,  I forbore 
to  question  him  respecting  his  loss,  lest  it  should  spoil 
his  appetite.  But  as  soon  as  he  had  finished  eating,  and 
taken  a concluding  glass  of  wine,  I asked  him  how  and 
where  the  robbery  had  taken  place. 

“ My  trunk  was  stolen  from  the  boot  of  the  stage,  just 
beyond  Utica.” 

“ And  you  did’nt  miss  it  till  you  got  here  ?” 

“ Oh,  yes  sir,  I missed  it  at  Utica,  and  advertised  it  in 
the  papers  at  that  place.  But  as  I had  paid  my  passage 
to  Albany,  I thought  it  best  to  continue  on  to  New- York, 
and  let  you  and  the  rest  of  my  creditors  know  the  worst 
of  it.” 

“ But  if  all  your  money  was  taken,  how  did  you  get  a 
passage  from  Albany  ?” 

“ I had  a little  loose  change  in  my  pocket  sufficient  for 
that  purpose.” 

“ Could  youfget  no  clew  to  the  robber  ?” 


220 


THE  PERILS  OF  PEARL  STREET, 


“ Not  the  least.  I advertised  in  the  Albany  papers,  as 
well  as  the  Utica  ; but  I’ve  no  idea  of  ever  seeing  my 
money  again” 

“ I’m  sorry  for  you,  indeed.” 

“You’re  very  kind,  sir:  but  I don’t  mind  the  loss  so 
much  on  my  own  account,  as  that  of  my  creditors.  I’ve 
been  raking  and  scraping  together  all  the  money  I could 
get,  in  order  to  meet  yours  and  other  demands;  and 
now  the  whole  is  gone,  and  I hav’nt  a penny  left  to 
discharge  my  debts.” 

“ What  is  the  sum  total  of  your  loss?” 

“ About  five  thousand  dollars.” 

“ Perhaps  you  will  recover  the  money  yet,  or  at  least 
a part  of  it.  It  is’nt  worth  while  to  despair.  Thieves 
can’t  well  escape,  in  our  days,  with  so  large  an  amount 
of  plunder.  Get  Old  Hays  to  assist  you.  He’s  the 
man  to  ferret  out  thieves.” 

■“  I don’t  know,”  said  the  merchant,  desperately  shak- 
ing his  head — “ I’ve  no  faith  in  Old  Hays,  or  any  body 
else  ever  finding  my  money.  It’s  gone,  I’m  afeared,  for 
good  and  all.” 

“ There’s  nothing,  however,  like  trying.  Five  thou- 
sand dollars,  at  one  dash,  is  too  much  to  lose.” 

“ That’s  what  it  is.  But  even  if  there  was  any  chance 
of  recovering  it,  I have  no  means  of  making  the  attempt ; 
I have  no  money  to  do  any  thing  with ; I have  not  a 


THE  PERILS  OF  PEARL  STREET.  221 

single  penny  left.  I cannot  even  get  home  again,  with- 
out begging  my  way.” 

« Don’t  trouble  yourself  too  much  about  that.  I can 
render  you  some  assistance.  Here  are  fifty  dollars: 
and  perhaps  your  other  friends  will  aid  you  in  like  man- 
ner.” 

“ Thank  you,  sir — you’re  very  good  indeed;  but  how 
shall  I ever  repay — ” 

“ When  you  recover  your  five  thousand  dollars,  you’ll 
have  ample  means.” 

“ Heaven  grant  I may,”  said  he,  with  a desponding 
air  ; but  at  the  same  time  pocketing  the  money. 

He  now  took  his  leave,  saying  he  would  go  to  the 
police  office,  and  take  such  measures  as  the  case  de- 
manded; after  which  he  would  wait  upon  his  other 
creditors,  and  make  known  his  loss  to  them.  I felt  sorry 
for  the  poor  man ; I had  no  suspicion  of  any  trick ; and 
though  the  loss  to  me  was  a severe  one,]  I made  up  my 
mind,  as  well  as  I could,  to  set  it  down  with  other  losses, 
and  to  bear  it  with  equanimity. 

But  a short  time  after,  on  stating  the  subject  to  one  of 
my  neighbors,  I was  very  much  surprised  to  find  I had 
been  imposed  upon ; and  that  my  honest  friend,  Mr. 
Corning,  had  robbed  himself — or  rather  trumped  up  the 
story  of  his  being  robbed — in  order  to  get  clear  of  paying 
his  debts.  The  gentleman,  who  informed  me  of  this, 

happened  to  be  a creditor  of  his;  and  suspecting  the 
20 


222 


THE  PERILS  OP  PEARL  STREET. 


whole  story  of  the  robbery  to  be  a downright  fiction, 
bad  threatened  an  arrest.  This  had  the  desired  effect. 
The  poor  robbed  merchant,  in  terror  of  the  law,  pull- 
ed out  his  pocket-book,  and  paid  the  other’s  bill,  amount- 
ing to  about  five  hundred  dollars ; but  implored  him 
not  to  mention  the  subject  as  it  would  ruin  his  charac- 
ter forever. 

This,  the  other,  not  suspecting  the  extent  of  the  fraud, 
promised  to  do ; and  so  the  Ohio  merchant  had  time  to 
escape.  He  did  not  indeed  stay  long  after  this — neither 
going  to  the  police  office,  nor  thinking  it  safe  to  repeat 
the  story  of  the  robbery  to  his  other  creditors.  He 
hastened  to  Ohio  as  soon  as  possible;  where  the  ac- 
count of  the  robbery  being  credited,  he  took  advantage 
of  it  to  make  a speedy  and  profitable  failure : and  my 
debt  of  fifteen  hundred  dollars,  together  with  the  gratui- 
tous fifty,  went  down  to  the  tomb  of  all  the  capulets. 


THE  PERILS  OP  PEARL  STREET. 


223 


CHAPTER  XXXI. 


Containing  a taste  of  the  dangers  of  Wall  street. 

I was  now  far  advanced  on  the  road  to  ruin.  My  nu- 
merous-losses, of  which  I have  only- mentioned  such  of 
the  principal  ones  as  happened  by  the  trickery  of  my 
neighbors  or  the  dishonesty  of  my  customers,  had  re- 
duced me  to  very  nearly  the  last  extremity.  But  I 
could  not  think  of  giving  up  without  one  further  effort 
to  retrieve  my  fortune. 

I had  thus  far  rarely  departed  from  the  regular  course 
of  trade — and  never,  except  in  the  cotton  and  the  hop 
speculations.  I had  never  dealt  in  stocks  of  any  kind. 
But  I was  now  invited  by  my  late  partner,  Griffin,  to 
join  him  in  a speculation  upon  the  stock  of  the  United 
States  Bank. 

“ I have  no  money,”'  said  I ; “ my  losses  of  late  have 
been  most  severe,  and  I am  just  on  the  verge  of  bank- 
ruptcy.” 

“ So  much  the  better,”  said  he ; “ you  will  now  have 
a chance  of  retrieving  your  fortune.  As  for  money, 


224 


THE  PERILS  OF  PEARL  STREET. 


that  is  altogether  unnecessary.  I have  none  ; and  yet 
I have  made  a hold  push  in  the  stocks,  and  am  about 
making  another.  Now  if  you  will  join  me,  we  will  go 
snacks  in  the  profits  of  the  speculation ; and  afterwards 
live  like  nabobs. 

“ My  prospects,”  said  I,  “ at  present,  are  nearly  des- 
perate ; and  I am  ready  to  join  in  any  speculation  that 
is  honest  and  feasible.  But  I do  not  see  how  we’re  to 
proceed  without  money.” 

“ Oh,  the  easiest  thing  in  the  world,”  replied  he.  “ We 
are  not  to  buy  stocks ; but  to  sell  them,” 

“ Ha  ! ha  ! ha  !” — I could  not  for  my  life  help  burst- 
ing into  a laugh.” 

“ You’re  quite  merry,”  said  lie,  a little  piqued  at 
my  want  of  gravity. 

“ True,”  I replied,  bursting  again  into  a laugh,  “ the 
idea  of  selling  what  we  do  not  possess,  is  indeed  a most 
merry  thought,  as  well  as  a most  judicious  one.” 

“Psha!”  said  he,  with  a look  of  contempt,  “how 
monstrous  simple  you  are,  Hazard  ! One  would  suppose 
you  had  just  come  from  your  little  outlandish  village  of 
Spreadaway,  where  the  people  know  nothing  about  the 
affairs  of  the  world.  Why,  sir,  it  is  one  of  the  ingeni- 
ous arts  of  modern  speculation,  that  a man  may  sell  what 
he  has  not,  and  grow  rich  upon  the  proceeds.” 

“ That  must  he  ingenious  indeed.  But  what  is  your 
plan  ?” 


THE  PERILS  OF  EEARL  STREET. 


225 


14  What  should  it  be,  hut  selling  stock  on  time.  Sev- 
eral of  my  acquaintance  are  now  engaged  in  this  specu- 
lation. They  are  shrewd  calculating  men ; they  look 
deeply  into  causes  and  effects  ; and  they  are  thoroughly 
•convinced  that  the  stock  of  the  Mammoth  Institution 
must  come  down.  They  are  shrewd  politicians.  They 
«ee  into  the  very  middle  of  a subject  at  the  first  glance. 
I too  have  paid  some  attention  to  the  subject,  since  our 
late  failure — and,  between  you  and  me,  nobody  makes 
so  keen  a politician,  or  so  shrewd  a speculator,  as  a bro- 
ken-down merchant.  It  is  clear,  friend  Hazard,  that 
United  States  Bank  stock  must  come  down,  and  pretty 
roundly  too.  But  that  is  only  between  ourselves  and 
the  knowing  ones.  As  we  are  to  act  the  part  of  hears, 
it  would  not  be  good  policy  to  say  any  thing  to  alarm  the 
bulls. 

“ Bears  and  bulls  1” 

To  be  sure.  Don’t  you  understand  the  terms  ? 
Why,  then  I must  instruct  you.  The  case  is  just  here  : 
As  we  engage,  at  a certain  future  time,  to  deliver  stock 
which  we  do  not  now  possess,  it  will  of  course  be  our 
interest  to  bring,  or  hear,  down  the  said  stock  as  haw  as 
possible ; while  the  persons,  to  whom  we  seljq  will  be 
equally  interested  to  toss,  or  keep,  it  up  to  the  highest 
point.  United  States  Bank  stock  is  r,ow  at  a hundred 
and  ten;  but,  rely  upon  it,  in  l^ss  than  two  months  it 
will  be  ten  per  cent  below  par.  But  many  people 
20*? 


226  ' 


THE  PERILS  OF  PEABL  STREET. 


are  so  stupid,  that  they  cannot  perceive  this : and  we 
can  sell  as  much  as  we  please,  to  he  delivered  in  sixty 
days,  at  one  hundred.  Here  you  see  we  make  a clear 
gain  of  ten  per  cent,  at  one  dash.  I have  already  en- 
gaged to  deliver  a thousand  shares,  on  which  I am  cer- 
tain of  making  ten  thousand  dollars.  I am  about  clos- 
ing a bargain  to  deliver  two  thousand  more,  on  the  same 
favorable  terms  ; and,  if  you  say  the  word,  we’ll  go 
snacks  in  the  whole  speculation.” 

“ Of  course,”  I replied,  “so  good  an  opportunity  of 
making  money  is  not  to  be  lightly  thrown  away ; and  I 
most  willingly  come  into  any  measures  which  offer  a 
chance,  however  desperate,  of  relieving  me  from  my 
present  difficulties.” 

“ Chance ! desperate  ! — I tell  you,  Hazard,  it  is  not 
desperate — it  is  entirely  beyond  the  risk  of  chance — it 
is  an  absolute  certainty.  I have  not  been  studying  poli- 
tics, of  late,  for  nothing ; and,  besides,  all  the  knowing 
ones  agree  with  me,  that  the  Mammoth  stock  must  come 
down.” 

“ Very  well,  Mr.  Griffin,  I am  no  politician,  nor  much 
of  a speculator.  I leave  the  matter  wholly  to  you.” 

“ And,  rely  upon  it,  you  shall  not  he  disappointed.” 
Friend  Griffin  went  his  way  ; and  the  bargain  to  de- 
liver the  two  extra  thousand  shares  of  stock  was  closed. 
I struggled  with  all  my  might  to  put  off  the  day  of  ruin 
for  a couple  of  months.  I asked  no  more.  If  I could 


THE  PERILS  OF  PEARL  STREET. 


227 


only  keep  my  bark  afloat  till  that  time,  my  fifteen  thou- 
sand dollar  speculation  would  be  sure  to  bring  me  into 
a safe  harbor  with  all  my  sails  spread. 

I therefore  strained  every  nerve  to  bear  me  safely 
through  the  sixty  days.  I doubled  my  exertions  in 
shinning.  I despatched  sundry  of  my  clerks  into  the 
country  to  make  collections.  I had  recourse  to  hypothe- 
cation of  stock,  to  hypothecation  of  notes ; and  indeed 
to  the  hypothecation  of  every  thing,  except  my  clothes. 
In  short,  I left  no  means  untried  to  reach  the  much 
wished  for  end  of  sixty  days  in  safety. 

In  this  I succeeded.  But,  alas  for  my  bank  specula- 
tion ! The  stock,  which,  in  connexion  with  my  quon- 
dam partner,  I had  sold  on  time,  obstinately  refused  to 
come  down — at  least  to  the  desired  notch — though  all 
sorts  of  means,  usually  resorted  to  by  bears  on  the  like 
occasion,  were  used  by  the  knowing  ones  in  Wall  street, 
to  bring  it  down.  It  still  kept  up  too  high  for  our  pur- 
pose : the  bulls  triumphed ; the  bears  retreated  to  their 
dens ; and  Griffin  and  myself  were  minus  eighteen 
thousand  dollars  by  our  bank  speculation.  This  affect- 
ed him  but  little,  for  he  had  nothing  to  lose ; but  it  fin- 
ished me.  I stopped  payment  the  next  day ; and  my 
third  failure  was  the  most  disastrous  of  all. 


THE  PERILS  OF  PEARL  STREET. 


229 


CHAPTER  XXXII. 


Which  concludes  the  whole  matter. 

Some  persons  have  a faculty  of  doing  a great  deal  of 
business  in  a little  time.  It  may  be  profitable  or  unpro- 
fitable. For  my  own  part,  it  is  my  misfortune  to  have 
effected  much  more  in  a short  period  than  I could  have 
desired.  Three  failures,  in  ten  years,  are  seldom  cal- 
culated upon  by  the  young  aspirant  for  fortune.  And 
yet  I had  achieved  them  all  within  that  short  period. 

I was  now  almost  sufficiently  humbled  to  return  to 
my  native  village,  and  brave  the  sneers  of  my  old  ac- 
quaintance. But  just  as  I was  about  coming  to  this 
resolution,  I learned  that  Mary  Dawson  was  married! 
She  had  continued  single  to  the  age  of  twenty-nine; 
when,  finding  she  had  no  time  to  lose,  she  accepted  the 
hand  of  the  best  of  a number  of  suitors,  who  had  for  a 
long  period  stood  by  for  her  sake. 


230 


THE  PERILS  OF  PEARL  STREET. 


Here  then  was  an  end  of  my  debates  about  returning 
to  Spreadaway.  But  something  I must  do  for  a liveli- 
hood. To  return  to  any  of  my  former  pursuits,  was 
pretty  much  out  of  the  question.  I had  still  sufficient 
pride  to  prevent  me  from  again  serving  in  the  capacity 
of  a clerk ; and  I had  no  means,  even  if  I had  the  in- 
clination, of  again  setting  out  in  the  world  as  a mer- 
chant. 

But  no  man,  in  this  happy  country,  need  starve,  who 
has  any  inclination  to  earn  his  bread.  If  he  cannot  ob- 
tain, or  if  he  do  not  choose  to  pursue,  the  employment  to 
which  he  was  bred,  he  may,  nevertheless,  with  a little 
versatility  of  genius,  and  a tolerable  spirit  of  enterprise, 
turn  his  hand,  or  head,  to  some  new  and  untried  mode 
of  earning  a livelihood. 

For  myself,  being  a good  penman,  I once  thought 
of  turning  writing-masterj  and  teaching  pupils  to  become 
perfect  in  the  arWof  chirography,  m twelve  lessons. 
Twelve  ? No,  that  would  not  do.  Other  professors 
did  that,  and  I should  have  no  advantage  over  them. 
Six  lessons  then?  No,  that  would  not  do,  neither,  for 
there  are  not  wanting  professors,  who  promise  that  like- 
wise. Three  lessons  then?  Yes,  I must  engage  to 
make  perfect  writers  in  three  lessons. 

Just  as  I was  about  coming  to  this  resolution,  I took 
up  a newspaper,  wherein  I read  the  advertisement  of  a 


THE  PERILS  OF  PEARL  STREET,  231 

certain  famous  gentleman,  who  engaged  to  teach  the  art 
of  penmanship  perfectly  in  two  lessons.  This  is  too 
much  for  me,  thought  I ; and  so  I turned  my  views  to 
something  else. 

I would  have  applied  for  a licence  as  auctioneer.  But 
the  business  required  too  much  impudence,  and  too 
much  of  the  aid  and  assistance  of  Peter  Funk. 

I thought  of  sundry  other  things  ; hut  my  necessities 
would  not  allow  of  longer  debate,  and  I finally  concluded 
to  turn  lecturer  on  book-keeping ; and  thus  I at  present 
earn  my  bread.  I have  a small,  hut  select  class,  which 
employs  me  three  evenings  in  the  week.  For  the  rest 
of  the  time  I am  pretty  much  engaged  in  the  study  of 
politics,  by  which  (though  it  is  a secret  at  present,)  I 
design  hereafter  to  retrieve  my  fortunes — in  which  I 
shall  only  follow  the  example  of  sundry  great  men,  who 
are  now  figuring  before  the  nation,  either  in  a legislative 
or  executive  capacity — the  keenest  .pf  politicians,  the 
most  ardent  of  patriots,  and  the  most  fortunate  of  office- 
holders. 

Should  I succeed  in  getting  rich  by  this  project,  I 
hereby  pledge  myself  to  pay  all  my  old  debts.  For, 
though  I am  legally  free,  I consider  myself  morally 
bound  to  their  full  and  perfect  discharge,  should  I ever 
have  the  means  of  effecting  it — being  of  opinion,  that  the 
man,  who  is  no  honester  than  the  law  compels  him  to 


232 


THE  PERILS  OF  PEARL  STREET. 


be,  is  little  better  than  a downright  knave.  And  so  con- 
vinced am  I of  the  truth  of  this,  that  should  I ever  again 
appear  before  the  public  in  the  capacity  of  an  author,  it 
will  probably  be  to  illustrate  this  very  principle. 


THE  END, 


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■ ■ ■ 


Igm  fifra 


mrnMMk. 


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